You are loved. I know life feels difficult right now and it's like you're drowning in the middle of the ocean, struggling to breathe, but you are doing a **** good job at staying afloat. Despite your grief and sadness, you are giving life all you have and that's important to note. While this may not seem like the best you can do, I think it's the best you can do for right now. Give yourself credit for that. Yes, it's vital to give an effort to life and the people you're around but please don't forget to put forth an effort for yourself. Loving and caring for yourself has always been a tough task for you since your big heart's natural instinct is to pour love into others. You're so kind and loving, I know, but you absolutely deserve your kindness and love, more than anyone else.

You're so ******* yourself. It may seem like you're not going anywhere or only moving backwards but I swear you're making progress. Those small victories, no matter how tiny they seem, are something to be celebrated. I'm so proud of you--you've grown so much through all of this and even on the hardest days, you don't let your sadness define you or your worth. You are so much more than your sadness and I hope you'll take note of all the beautiful things there is about you. It may be hard to imagine right now but there will be a time when you don't feel so hopeless. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel, even in the tunnels with the most severe darkness and monster-like things waiting to terrify you.

Don't let your feelings swallow you whole. You are so strong. In a field of sunflowers, you are the tallest one that ever grew, with a sturdy stem and bright petals. i want you to remember this when you feel yourself falling down, unable to find the strength to stand tall. One day, you will be able to look back on all of this and feel satisfied because you didn't give up on yourself. There are days when you feel like existing is simply too much and you want to hide--that's okay. Sometimes life is overwhelming and you can't figure out how to deal. No one has all of the answers. I have faith you will find your way and take care of yourself.

This wouldn't have been thrown your way if you couldn't handle it. Constantly remind yourself of that. You will go through this and grow through it and bloom in ways you never even imagined. Sadness will seem like a foreign concept to you and you'll feel the warmest of rays of happiness. I'm telling you, you deserve it all. You deserve the world. You deserve the love you give to everyone else. You deserve to be happy. Even in your worst times and when you feel like you've ******* up real bad, you are deserving of good things. You have to remember you're a work in progress and not a finished master piece. Be gentle. Be warm. Be compassionate. It'll make your journey feel a little lighter and a little smoother. It's okay to be sad but don't let this be the only thing you ever feel. Seek out things that make you happy in each day, even on the days that feel a bit hellish. Happy things are all over, you just have to be willing to look for them. You can do this. You can get through this. I believe in you and so do many other people.

in high school she ate two slices of pizza
and an apple
and i ate pasta with butter
and nothing else.
sometimes nothing. we would eat nothing
and study latin
for no reason.
the pizza was disgusting
and latin was very boring.
we would bicker she said

that i looked like
jesus i said
that is rude. i don't like you.
i don't like
her.

i wish i
knew
like
her.

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!
Please be cautious when reading. If you feel you'll be triggered in any way, please don't read. Thank you.


I'm done.

Done with trying too hard
Done with sleepless nights
Done with disappointment
Done with being a disappointment

Done with hearing their voices in my head
Done with seeing visions of my abuse
Done with being around people
That just don't care

I know they care
But my brain tells me they can't be trusted
They're like everyone else
I avoid "everyone else"

I'm done with my anxiety
Done with my sexuality
Done with my gender
Done with my PTSD

Done trying to pretend I'm happy
When all I've wanted to do is cry
But crying would make others uncomfortable
And doing that in the past led to peer abuse

I'm done with my brain going on tangents
Done with having a constant smile on my face
Even though it's fake
And everyone knows it is

Done with heaving after a panic attack
Done with my abusive visions becoming reality
Done with feeling nothing
Done with being anything

Done with breathing
Done with living
Because at this point
What is there to live for?

Let’s pretend we were made
To be the two of us together
Let’s pretend not just today,
But tomorrow too, and forever.
Let’s pretend some cupid guy
Shot his arrow at both our hearts.
Let’s pretend we had no choice
That some magic made it start.

Let’s pretend there is nobody
On this earth but we two.
That neither of us has work
Or any chores we must do.
Let’s act the same as if
We were just two small kids
And build some loving memories
Of the fun things we did.

Let’s pretend that our love
Is all we will ever really need
And let this game of our hearts
And souls happily proceed.
And let’s pretend the two of us
Get to make all the rules
And people who don’t agree
Are just ordinary boring fools.

Let’s pretend there’s nothing we
Need to worry ourselves about
And that any problems that occur
We two can work them out.
Let’s pretend this is a world
Like the one in our fondest dreams
And see if we can make it be
Precisely as magical as it seems.

I am lost
in the labyrinth of my emotions
I am drowning
in the depths of my despair
I glanced back at you;
you looked away
I closed my eyes;
and turned away
thinking,
where did I go wrong?
our fire was blown fast, extinguished
I was once not sure
but now I do know:
things that ember
do not glow forever