It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

I ripped my body apart to appease you
I cried to you, for you, and with you
But you got angry at me for getting tears on your shoes.

You looked at me with the softest eyes I'd ever seen.
But while I was distracted you fell for someone else.  
And now that you're gone I'm still hung up on you.
After all of this, I still can't get you off my mind.
Won't you go bother someone else's thoughts?

I can't breathe
Yes you can....just do it
Focus on it
Slow...
I CAN NOT
My fingers are numb...
My lips aren't there
Oh my god
am I having a heart attack
Or falling out of a nightmare
Only to wake up to a vast nothingness
splashing cold water on my face
For seventy two hours
Even the air around me is blankly staring into my soul
I'm wearing clothing made out of arachnids
Or some other major phobia
Crawling over my skin.
I can't stop shaking
STOP TELLING ME IT WILL BE OK
IT WONT
I'm so weird and broken
No you're not
YES I AM AND I WILL NEVER BE UNBROKEN
DEAL WITH IT
Wait....what was I saying?
I can't tell if I'm going to cry or *****
Knots in my stomach...
Knives.
STOP LOOKING AT ME!
Did I just say that?
How can I not be having a heart attack I can't feel my arms
You have a pulse idiot.
WELL SOMETHING IS VERY WRONG AND I CAN'T EXPLAIN IT.
My whole life turned into a horrible mistake just now!
What have I DONE!?
It's fine! You're doing so much better...
STOP TELLING ME ITS FINE.
How can I expect you to understand. How could you?

I am you.

Oh no...
Sorry people I was having a "moment"
I'm not sorry....
I'm terrified

My Teenage years;
Teenage years with people saying 'sit down and shut up'
Teenage years with no one caring
Teenage years with physical abuse
Teenage years with razor blades
Teenage years with no mother
Teenage years with bottles of pills
Teenage years with ****** assualt
Teenage years with suicide attempts
Teenage years with no reason to live
Teenage years spent pining for what was lost.



© Copyright Tyler Atherton

People keep asking me
"What do you want your life to look like in five years?"

they always cringe when I say
"I just want to fight long enough to open my eyes tomorrow morning."

I love her
but she doesn't know
I am somehow there when she is sad
but she still only views me as a friend
but that's okay
I listen to her problem
and cheer her up


In the end
I can describe all that I feel for her in six words
"I love you very much, Kath"