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Vallery Jan 2020
there is light without me
I do not bring joy
or happiness
or purpose
I do not bring
anything to the table
I do not bring
anything useful
I do not bring a single
dam smile to anyone's face
because I am darkness
and light is abundant without me
I do not belong here
with these talented
and smart and
beautiful people
I do not belong here
I do not fit in with these
motivated and driven
and perfect people
I do not belong
where the light is
for I am darkness
and light does not need me
this world does not need me
these people do not need me
I am not needed
nor am I wanted
I am a waste and I am
taking the place of someone
who deserves this
more so than me
because I am darkness
and light detests me
I am disliked
I am unloved
I am forgotten
I am dead
darkness is me
darkness is in my head
darkness is abundant
and the light in me has fled
Vallery Nov 2019
I didn't die because I thought that I would give this life a chance and honestly what was I thinking... being dead is peaceful and being alive is stressful and yet, here I am, alive and well because you said I had to give this life a chance... and well, I am, I did, wheres the feelings of happiness you talk about, huh? where is that joy that comes in the morning and all I feel is mourning and honestly what was I thinking... being dead is peaceful... what was I expecting, being alive is stressful... let me make a deal with you... I'll stay alive if, and only if, sobriety is out of the question because living sober means getting over these feelings of losing him and I am not ready to move on, I am not ready to get over us, what we had... living life is stressful, being dead is peaceful. I know this is blunt, I know that this might worry you but trust me when I say I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention. I didn't expect you to confront me about my insecurities or try to purify me with sobriety... no, I'm not ready. listen to me when I tell you that life is stressful but being dead is peaceful. why can't you understand that this life is stressful? I didn't die because I thought that maybe this life held something good, but I came to find that life is stressful... and being dead is beautiful...
Vallery Nov 2019
it's a story about a girl who wanted nothing more than to feel something instead of nothing. she tried everything, from ***** to drugs to *** and it all worked momentarily and in the end, she found out that temporary happiness wasn't everything she expected. it cost her life. she became disconnected from family and friends left her stranded and she lost everything. it cost her everything. rehab was a bust because when she was released she ****** herself right back into the hole she thought she filled up for good. ***** to drugs to ***... it all worked momentarily and once again she found out that these temporary reliefs were too **** expensive but that didn't stop her. no, nothing stopped her from finishing a bottle, or from going full throttle on someone who didn't even ******* care about her. no, nothing stopped her. ***** to drugs to ***... it all worked momentarily but this time she found eternity.
Vallery Oct 2019
you told me you were different
you told me you would treat me right
you told me to trust in you
and I did, I trusted you
and for what?
I lost my sanity
I lost my identity
who I was is no longer who I am
because I let you take that from me

I hate myself for allowing you to use me
lie to me
hurt me
scar me

you want to come back into my life
and... honestly...
I crave the hurt
I know its unhealthy
I know its wrong
but yet
a part of me
wants you again
a part of me is so numb that it would do anything to feel something
even you
especially you
Vallery Sep 2019
He grabbed my face and held it close to his. My eyes flutter open, I'm trying to get my bearings. “Wake up,” he sneers, “It’s time to go.” I reluctantly obey, knowing full well this is my demise. He reaches for my hand and pulls me away from the warm comfort of my bed. As I blink we are transported to a dark, damp room, with nothing in it but four walls and a window. I look around the room, wondering where I am, what could this mean… “This room is special,” He begins, “this room holds only the most deeply pained individuals. Here they rest until they go mad from their demons, killing themselves by insanity.” his cold fingers grace my skin, causing me to shiver. “My child, do not be afraid…” “Surely there has been a mistake, I don’t belong here!” I cry out. He laughs a laugh deep from within, “Oh, my dear, I do not make mistakes. You knew the end was coming, didn’t you?” I nod, for well I knew, although I did not want to admit it. I am terrified. “And the end is nigh, dear one, the end is nigh” I shrink to the ground, bringing my knees to my chest, “this is all just a dream,” I whisper, “I'll wake up and this will be over,” From the corner of the room I hear sardonic laughter. “Make it stop, make it stop,” I plead… “I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this!” The laughter grows until its deafening. “There is no escape, this is your eternity,” Death bellows. As I lie on the ground in a puddle of my own tears, Death wanders towards me. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You wanted to die a most painful death so you could finally feel something again or am I wrong?” “I don’t want this,” I responded wearily, “this is not what I meant…” Death looks me over, His cadaverous hands running the length of my body. “I sense some regret, some guilt… Why may this be?” I sit up, propping myself up on my elbows. “I just… I have done bad things, I’ve made mistakes. I don’t like myself… I’m thinking about everything I have ever done wrong… Maybe I do deserve this?” Death chuckles, “Of course you deserve this. I don’t make mistakes, I am never wrong.” I nod in agreement as Death wraps His arms around me. Now, I feel at home in this cold and dark room. I feel at home in the clutches of Death. I close my eyes and let Death’s grip tighten around me until I go numb.
Vallery Mar 2019
The darkness of night

And the starless sky above

Is all that I can see



Its all I've ever known

But it doesn't seem as scary

When you're all alone
Vallery Mar 2019
I travel the wastelands of my mind, searching for a drop of water, a life of my own. The sunlight, she beckons me. I slowly crawl towards her, searching for an inkling of purpose to this journey, a drop of water, a life of my own. Could the sun who shines so bright hold the answers I so long to discover?

Time creeps by, day after day, week after week, month after month, century after century... After all this time the sun still calls for me. With every aching move my muscles make, the sun travels light-years ahead of me, calling me to her.

This is solely a window into the barren lands that is my mind. Perhaps I use this as a way to let in someone who knows what it's like to search longingly for an answer, or perhaps to let in someone who sees something in me I  cannot see. Whatever it may be, you are the chosen one and possibly, the only one...
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