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Vallery Oct 2019
you told me you were different
you told me you would treat me right
you told me to trust in you
and I did, I trusted you
and for what?
I lost my sanity
I lost my identity
who I was is no longer who I am
because I let you take that from me

I hate myself for allowing you to use me
lie to me
hurt me
scar me

you want to come back into my life
and... honestly...
I crave the hurt
I know its unhealthy
I know its wrong
but yet
a part of me
wants you again
a part of me is so numb that it would do anything to feel something
even you
especially you
Vallery Sep 2019
He grabbed my face and held it close to his. My eyes flutter open, I'm trying to get my bearings. “Wake up,” he sneers, “It’s time to go.” I reluctantly obey, knowing full well this is my demise. He reaches for my hand and pulls me away from the warm comfort of my bed. As I blink we are transported to a dark, damp room, with nothing in it but four walls and a window. I look around the room, wondering where I am, what could this mean… “This room is special,” He begins, “this room holds only the most deeply pained individuals. Here they rest until they go mad from their demons, killing themselves by insanity.” his cold fingers grace my skin, causing me to shiver. “My child, do not be afraid…” “Surely there has been a mistake, I don’t belong here!” I cry out. He laughs a laugh deep from within, “Oh, my dear, I do not make mistakes. You knew the end was coming, didn’t you?” I nod, for well I knew, although I did not want to admit it. I am terrified. “And the end is nigh, dear one, the end is nigh” I shrink to the ground, bringing my knees to my chest, “this is all just a dream,” I whisper, “I'll wake up and this will be over,” From the corner of the room I hear sardonic laughter. “Make it stop, make it stop,” I plead… “I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this!” The laughter grows until its deafening. “There is no escape, this is your eternity,” Death bellows. As I lie on the ground in a puddle of my own tears, Death wanders towards me. “Isn’t this what you wanted? You wanted to die a most painful death so you could finally feel something again or am I wrong?” “I don’t want this,” I responded wearily, “this is not what I meant…” Death looks me over, His cadaverous hands running the length of my body. “I sense some regret, some guilt… Why may this be?” I sit up, propping myself up on my elbows. “I just… I have done bad things, I’ve made mistakes. I don’t like myself… I’m thinking about everything I have ever done wrong… Maybe I do deserve this?” Death chuckles, “Of course you deserve this. I don’t make mistakes, I am never wrong.” I nod in agreement as Death wraps His arms around me. Now, I feel at home in this cold and dark room. I feel at home in the clutches of Death. I close my eyes and let Death’s grip tighten around me until I go numb.
Vallery Mar 2019
The darkness of night

And the starless sky above

Is all that I can see



Its all I've ever known

But it doesn't seem as scary

When you're all alone
Vallery Mar 2019
I travel the wastelands of my mind, searching for a drop of water, a life of my own. The sunlight, she beckons me. I slowly crawl towards her, searching for an inkling of purpose to this journey, a drop of water, a life of my own. Could the sun who shines so bright hold the answers I so long to discover?

Time creeps by, day after day, week after week, month after month, century after century... After all this time the sun still calls for me. With every aching move my muscles make, the sun travels light-years ahead of me, calling me to her.

This is solely a window into the barren lands that is my mind. Perhaps I use this as a way to let in someone who knows what it's like to search longingly for an answer, or perhaps to let in someone who sees something in me I  cannot see. Whatever it may be, you are the chosen one and possibly, the only one...
Vallery Mar 2019
In the midst of all this greenery sits a sun in all its riddled glory, attempting to cast a light over the shadows of yesterday. And I, fearing for what may come, hide among these shadows, desperate for solace from the pain haunting my inner thoughts.
Vallery Jun 2018
As I sail the ocean blue fighting against the monstrous waves, I pray to God begging Him to bring me safely to shore. To perish and be buried at sea in a watery grave does not indulge me, but rather frightens me. I am not one who enjoys the sea, nay, the land is what I favor. Aye, there be where life itself resides, where true love rents a room and where true adventure drunkenly wanders the streets. Around every corner lies a new journey, a new face, a new story, but only if you are willing to find it.
      The waves strike the side of the vessel. The ship creaks and moans. I fix the sails to head northbound. The rain falls steadily against my skin, mixing with the sweat on my forehead. I desperately want to give in, to let the sea carry me where she wants instead of fighting with her. But I know when I reach land I will be rewarded with new life...
     Thunder crashes and lightning strikes above me. I crumble to the floor, cowering from fear. Lo! I must press on. Fear is a stowaway on this voyage, one I could not seem to toss off the side of the boat. He is like a shadow, only he is a constant, not fading in the darkness but rather thriving in it. I remain on the floor. I cry out to God, I cry out above the roaring waves, "take me as I am, take me as the coward I am!"
     The sea, she hungers for more victims. And me, I hunger for death. I hunger for the sweet release of this body I possess. Why, oh why have you abandoned me, God?! Why have you left me here to drown?! I beg you to take me now!
     Alas, silence from God but not the sea. She still roars, almost as if she's calling out to me... Calling out to me, telling me to jump... Dare I?
     The thought of jumping chokes me. Dare I drown this misery?
     Dare I die the way I am most terrified to die?


    I dare
Vallery May 2018
the night I lost it all
is the night I reached adulthood

the night I gave you all of me
is the night I gave up on me

the night I felt you
is the night I felt pleasure...
and the night I lost it all
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