im addicted
im addicted to hating myself
im addicted to crying over you
im addicted to longing for the warmth of your touch
im addicted to reliving moments in my head i would give anything to get back
im addicted to looking at you and still getting butterflies
i know i shouldn't, but that's why its called an addiction

6-25-25   1:56pm

I'll see your favorite number
and the moon will look back at me
the barista saying your name
or our song coming on the radio

maybe it's the univer playing tricks on me
who knows
either or
you're still all I think about

walking into school
i almost had a heart attack
i swear i saw you walking
right in front of me
i heard you’re laugh
for the first time in months

i put some speed in my step
as i walked to chemistry
trying to get you next to me
i couldn’t believe it was you

but of course
it wasn’t you
you’ve been dead since last july
so i the middle of the hallway
i started to cry

i was warned
i'd fall for you.
stay away from him,
they said.
sweetie, he’s bad news.

i laughed it off,
thinking i knew better,
thinking, that this time
would be different.

i always loved a challenge.

three months it took
for my mind
to catch up
with my heart.
by then,
you’d already
moved on.

“such a happy girl”
2017: yes cuz i’m getting ice cream!!!
2024: yes cuz tonight i am attempting.

see the difference?
no?
i wouldn’t think so.

i met you
on a quiet tuesday,
in the soft sunlight 
of a small beach café.
you looked bored --
so i walked over,
and we got to talking.

that same day,
two years later --
i walked back
into that café.
on a quiet tuesday.
in the same soft sunlight.
i ordered the same drink.

and i saw you,
from afar.
i didn't dare go over.
you were just bored.
and i was never
enough
to cure that alone.

today is your birthday.
a year ago today we were on the phone,
at this exact time.
5:00am.
we had been talking since 9pm,
but time flies when you're having fun,
or in my case,
when you're in love.
i remember exactly what we talked about.
how much my parents loved you,
and how much your mom loved me.
how badly we wanted to have our families meet.
and how bad we had always wanted to go to florida.
together.
or go to universal studios
and take pictures in front of hogwarts.

yesterday i watched your instagram story.
and guess where you were?
in front of the hogwarts castle.
i know i can't be mad
or shocked that i wasn't invited.
you're touring with your new best friends.
meeting more people.
more girls.
prettier than me.
better than me.

however, we exchanged our first words in months.
i snapchatted you to say
happy birthday. a civil thing.
i didn't think you would answer,
so it nearly gave me a heart attack when your name popped up.

"thank you so much, lex. miss you."
that's all you said,
followed by a yellow heart.

i know you don't miss me,
and that was all out of pity.
maybe you want to feel better about leaving me behind.
maybe you know how badly i'm hurting.
but,
maybe you might actually miss me too.
i doubt it though.

boys like you don't love
girls like me.

boys like you don't kiss
girls like me.
not anymore at least.