It only happens
When not expected
But it’s a glitch
You know
In the matrix
Of this
****** up Life
Right now
It’s time
To lay down
And believe myself
When I say
...

Am I An idiot?
yeah I felt more
thought more
maybe you’d go for more


for keeping you
or trying to keep you
then continue to push you

away

and yet …

you keep coming back

My depths
To feel hurt
Raw and ****** up
Tasting dirt below
Realms of dust
Scratching to release
To get out of the pit
Stuck in filth
Immersed in rejection
Needing, wanting, hoping
Crying out
For...
I don’t know
When found
I will

And she took his hand
on a rainy Sunday
Without goal or motivation
just bring shimmer to life

On a spring afternoon
she took his hand
In some comforting whim
during a stroll to be

That summer night
with thoughtless care
She took his hand
to satisfy her mind

It was the October winds
that brought them there
To a meeting of fates
so she took his hand

then he took her hand
On a fog Sunday morn
with desire that tried
To remember the night

and so on an April day
He took her hand
easing the tensions
Or completions to come

a summering heat
Of bodies caressing
in which he took her hand
With ecstasy in mind

more falling breezes
To exhaling dreams
and drifting into distances
When he took her hand

So they tried to join hands
To dispel the rains
With purpose and intent
Of abundant pleasure

Springing embraces
And the joining of hands
Of contentment converging
On a trailing journey

Scorching summer waves
The heat of their days
When they joined more than hands
Escalating their paths

Autumn brings true
The needs of these two
As searching for more
When they joined hands

I think about
all the hints and clues
yet
I keep hoping …

But
You just stopped.
It was like You got Your fill
Then You turned off
Maybe it was some **** movement

So

ya just end it?

You Used Me

For money
For access
For favors

i got nothing
few kisses?
and it dwindled

to nothing

should make another plan

and once again
the need
to hide in my corner
as once again
you brought out my heart
and we dallied about
yet you don’t care
for this possible dance
same as before
it’s straight to the point

and i’m a trustworthy soul
or so you have said
but not enough
to even have as a friend
the ship we could be
is still at the dock
could we untie the rope
and the knots we made
or just continue
same as before
once again

I hate being Vulnerable
as you can see
each occurrence
adds to my death

I’m ripped open
to bleed out

All over the sky
throughout my halls
splattered over someone’s walls

and I search for the stitches
that will bring me back
to some heartbeat
or even a quiver

Because somehow
I should function
In this Menagerie of Life

after you left me to rot
in the backyard zoo

of your closet

wish I could share

with one or two

but that won’t do

would take a miracle

to explain
understand
and refrain

From just letting it all break free

getting the block

Would you please?

To err
Or blunder
In ways
Of thunder

To *****
Or fake
It blows
The snake

So bogus
To bust
Or focus
In lust

Bumbling and fumbling
Under a different disguise
Little more grumbling
Lying about the tries
Similar to yesterday
Having said it all before
It is about the forte
That was actually a bore

I feel it
Building again
That need
Or desire
To burn

Burn outside
And in
Without remorse
Or force
For you

Competing minds
For each
Wanting
That stronghold
Or sway

Who controls
Who begs
For more
The willing
Or reluctant

Stretch out
Reach in
Entice me
Show yourself
Become

understanding alludes Me
who Holds the moxie
or the pattern of Ardor
another unanswered puzzle
as you set aside vulnerability
you will Lead the trails of grandeur
Coaxing for more
yet there is Resistance
need is Encroaching
waiting to plunge

It ebbs and It flows
Like the desert wind
Into murky soup
across some unknown veil
A Frequency of Signs
And Co-Signs
It bombards and It leaves
abandoning like fallen trees
Trying to survive
Inside a wave of tides
Or a rip of monsoons
It was a nuisance
It was a heartache
leaving was survival
Time to put out/get out
Flip to the other side

Why are you afraid?
And many things I would say
I don’t understand

I continue on
Through the mire of life
Wading thru expectations
Having given up strife

Purposely composing
Fundamentals of words
No other distance
When facing the herds

I continue on
With your verse on my tongue
Waiting for stimulations
In a song that’s unsung

The muse came around
Tapping that shoulder again
Sparking the senses and mending the soul
Destroying thought and repairing the mind
Making life bearable again
Teasing the nose, begging to be remembered
The muse abuses
Giving frowns and sadness
My muse is deep like the ocean
It is stormy, yet calm
A contradiction of life
Old soul in a young mind
Fervent spirit in a tired love
My muse holds the eyes
Eyes of wisdom
    Eyes of love
    Eyes of passion, energy, and life.

You lit the match
Now you can’t Control the inferno
You have awoken the fire
Scaring away your dominance
Your now lack of control
You will never Have control until
You learn that chaos is in control
That the unexpected happens And
You will lose
Then you might gain a sliver of control
If it’s given
You might grasp control Over yourself
Your reactions
What will be Surprising for you to realize
It’s so easy to control you
A few words from me
Your ******* just left you
Bye bye control
I just strung you along this whole time
What you thought you knew
Was exactly how I wanted you to react
The design you wove gave me the ammunition
Before you said a word

Why do I forget who they really are?

Or what box they put me in?

That’s your role
Stay in your lane

And I forgot they only like certain questions

And they will always say
“what do you want from me?”

That’s the coup de grâce if I ever saw one

I came upon a crossroad
In the view of one year ago
That this life can be different
Something that had better flow

At the time I didn’t know
What the final change would bring
Only knew I needed some fragment
That would finally let me sing

I know I’ll be ok

But right now it hurts

I miss that ******

My bro
My confidant
My best friend
My lover

What happened?

I’m looking everywhere for you
Some hint…

It hurts when I find that sliver of you
It’s a slice into my soul

I know we had something real

Finally having a person that likes you
for all of you…
And I mean ALL
It changes you.

He wanted to see my smile and face.
He remembered things about me.
He wanted to know how my day was.
He looked at me and saw ME.
He saw my flaws and still came back around.

And then…

I don’t know what happened.

His pain got in the way
Life struggles

I must move on

But it hurts

And I’ll be OKAY

**** it all
I really hate this song
Makes me all teary

The most cheesiest song

And I love it
Gives me hope

I hear it...

and your ******* face
pops into my head

Yeah, that was a first

******

am I dumb?

because I over do it
analyze and overthink
why can’t I ride the wave
emotion overwhelms me
get scared
self sabotage
as I think

THIS

can’t be real
don’t deserve it

AND   he

ruined you
made you think you were
disgusting
and trash
and ugly
and terribly dark

Not a Dark Dream

but a cowish nightmare

I gave up tonight
But you didn’t know
I left the room
Yet I was still there
I said I was great
Though inside I was ‘fine’
I dreamt of a new day
As you droned with complaint
I thought of other places
When you sat next to me
I faked a smile
While I comforted you
I forced a hello
And wanted a goodbye

I can easily disappear again
Into the shadows and dark
Run away to the comfort
Of my closet within

I could hide in the sight
Plain as as the pixels
To many or none
That cover your day

I would get a new name
Perhaps a new number
A figment that changes
Yet stays the same

I will not be the normative
Something used and shorn
When dancers of envy come
I walk to another room

I could disappear tonight
And maybe I should
Would you ....

I waited for sign or signal
Telling me you noticed
Would it capture the attention
Of a sought out phantom

Was tormenting myself
With a patient attitude
I fought the stubborn meal
Finding dissatisfaction

I’m sure you turned around
As I saw those telling tracks
But you were as impatient as I
So we both missed the feast

Equal parts
not really
On the scale of...
Delusion
Grandeur
Megalomania
what’s that
you are struggling
Seeing anew or a new
Perspective
Is it a sure thing
Are you?
am i?

Am I out of place?
Knocked askew
Into
An alternate lane
One I didn’t want
Did I need?
All that matters
Is this charging cloud
Lightning bolt
Scoured
Into
A figment attachment
To be opened
At a later Date

I dreamt of you again
It was an odd dream
You were far off
Yet right there
Waiting in a room
It kept changing locations

I was to paint this room
But since it kept moving
I couldn’t find the room to paint
And I could see you in this room
Waiting for me
Reading, watching, wondering

I tried other routes
To reach you
None worked
Yet you still waited

Maybe it’s time
You come out of the room
And find me
..... waiting

I’m crashing
And yet
I keep trying to be this
Thing
A positive receptacle
Though
I find myself
Depleted
Of the
Moxie that is
Me

exploring without shame
giving to each other
judgement is gone
no apathetic stoicism
let’s see the beauty
in this sanctuary
here is my peace
the nag of You’re A Failure
it disappears
do you care about my soul
do you see
the sadness and strength
in my eyes
in me
do you want to know more
the Dark
the light
the SilLy
not afraid of your feelings
your passion
it seeps through your eyes
and I want to
Capture it
Hold it
Savor it
embrace the dichotomy
of passion and control
erupting with life
fulfilling
joyful life

Anger
At me
The world
Yourself
Is it fear
For those thoughts
Swirly mess
Hurting
Like bitter darkness
Uncomfortable
Take on more
What sadness
Pain
Of loneliness
Rejection
I know
Also understand
You
Need to be
Wanted
For who you really are

Parts of me that were released
I wish I could put back
They are vulnerable

raw
*****

A ****** mess of emotion
It hurts too much
I was fine before

surviving
existing

But this is Torture
I want off this ride
It only was a glimpse of the good

flashed
disappearing

Like a falling star across the sky
It lit up my eyes
For some precious moment

gone
again

I’m trying to shove the fragile back in
But it won’t fit
It grew to much being out

edges
frayed

I’m tired of healing
The scars itch and hurt
Just let me rest

I’ve experienced the wetlands
and the desert today
Had that oasis
in the dry doldrums
I was a thirsty *****
then given your ladle to drink
Searched for the shade
in shallow sands
I found a harlot’s haven
amid those haughty hymns
It was a day of extremes
before I rested in a dream

I pretend it’s you
little message
Was for me
That tiny splash
The hearts and trees
A couple of teases
Beneficial friend
Or a ship with trails
But really
It’s just a fake hang up
Cuz if you did
You would

Don’t jump the gun
Pitter putt dying
Lawn mower pull
Choke it out
Rev the engine
Give me the fuel
I’ll make you roar

I  am afraid of losing you
Because time passes
A few days, then weeks
of nothing
Then that one time
Of months…

And when that Fear
seeps in
Grassy plains cover my eyes
As I think/know
You are on the other side
Of the valley
Or deep in the Everglades

Would or Could there be
A reunion
Maybe some kind of
First Communion
A sweet & salty
collaboration
That might sate  
That verdant fever

Until then . . .

Why do I feel Wrong
For feeling so much
Why should I be
Ashamed

The intensity inside me
Overwhelms and leaks
I can’t always
Contain

The world doesn’t understand
Even as I feel them
Their emotion or
Emptiness

They pour themselves
Into me and
I withstand again and
Again

Would I feel empty
Without that tether
To the emotional
Atmosphere

It’s easy to slip
Go into darkness
Hide from the world as it
Rejects

I put up walls
Just to survive
Their onslaught of
Feelings

I carry on
I crave that passion
While I detest the
Nothingness

over time
those feelings

You know the ones

warm, tingly, sentiments
those tiny titillations
of torture
they can grow

You know how

deeper and stronger
like a thunderbolt
right into your soul
singing a sigh of

‘Oh **** this is happening’

at the same time
converse is true

Feelings Fade.

It had dissipated.
To tiny dots.
Until...

one day
it was about persuasion
that thing that ponders
or entices your mind

Come Hither
My Sweet
Saccharine
Succubus

looking toward the call
of fluffernutter folly
it was inevitable

Truly The Thoughts
‘Twere Thwarted
‘Til

... the lowly lurker
lay waste
onto the ether
of Madness

That numb feeling
Of not caring anymore
It scours the eyes
Not seeing past the scratches
Preoccupied by the dull ache
Sensing it more than experience
Trying to spark an ignition
That melts in the ice
Another chance
Maybe not
Lost again
In my mundanity

When I think about you
What you can do to me
How I can please you
Where we can touch
Who we can become

Now is the time
Sink into me
Resting at your feet
Here into each other
We become addiction

I have a switch inside
Flips so quick
I feel **** and sensual
Beautiful and free
Then slam reversal
The creeps barge in
I’m disgusting and gross
Smelly and fat
The words said are true
“Who would want you?”

So I engage myself
Some kind of battle
A rampage of sorts
Argumentative debates
Parts taking sides
Remembering all the hurts
The feels and thrills
This is all I deserve
Those words that might be true
“What part is really you?”