As the evening ticks on
I sit and ponder
Inside my restless spirit
I witness the comings
And goings
Of all the people
Through the pixels of black
Scrolling or trolling
The ether holds such power
Yet it’s substance is weak
Usage of color inside words
A slip of the keys
Portrayal in portraits
In lives out of the hives
But what is the point
Engaging in this parade
Do you show off your mask
Create those tasks
So I wonder again
If I’m in the right place
Or did I just end up
In a new trap for me

I think…
I don’t want to be …
I’ll be …
But that’s it
No more of the …
Cuz it feels so fake
I’m too confused
I’m …
but not …
We aren’t in a …
And I should enjoy …
They aren’t going to …. … ..
It’s just my …..

Well…
I’m learning …

****!

How do I do this now?

I’m afraid
And yet I want it
And am afraid to want it
Yet it calls to me
Every day

I keep trying to give up
But there is this innate thing
Inside me
That is persistently
Persevering

Call it “the survivor”
She is annoying
Stubborn
Nags at me

Tells me to
see the hope
And
find the gem
Or
give the chance

Seems this should be
Good, Great, Grand

But what if

Am I clinging to
Threads
and
False Hope
or
Futility

Do I
Return to the purge
Or
Finally flush it down

time will tell
but she ...
HA!
is the other stubborn ***** in my life

I’ll take your gleanings
Anything that you show
Laughter is my medicine
So I’ll catch what you throw

I sought for understanding
In words that you spoke
There was usage in denial
And whimsy in your joke

I knock on your door
While standing by your side
Searching for answers
Within your moodish tide

When you reach out
I shift my perspective
Putting thoughts in the grave
To appear I’m receptive

I keep some of me hidden
Because I’m frightened of you
You can render those gleanings
Then leave without a clue

Will you awaken me again
Or cast me to pasture
As you seek greener fields
For another to capture

But take your gleanings
Anything that you give
Put it in my heart
So that I might live

Served up
Like a *****
To her custom
Errrrrrrr
Which way
Up and sideways
Give me more
**** your *****
Is it your hand
A bore
A chore
Your *****
Not at all
A salty silver poison
Balance that
*******
Healing
Or peeling
Choose
Your Own
Adventure

I’ve wanted to hide all day
Run away from emotion
I thought about his arms
How they hold me down
Or hold me up
Both are what I need
Surrounding me
Yet, they are for another
Only mine for a time
Then I thought of a laugh
Belonging to someone
Who was equal parts funny and sad
Made me want to bring him
To hide with me
So I could help him heal
Later I read something
Made me think of what if’s
How I was lucky
Though I didn’t think so
At the time
For revelations hold truth
And there was only empty
Behind the fancy wrapped words
Then I thought of all the ones
Who are mine but not
That gave glimpses
And then removed
I sigh at those thoughts
This is what I want to hide from
The emotion
The pain
The yearning
And the thoughts

You slid into me
Telling me to
Hold still
Hold
Stay
Move
I clench
You bite
Hide me
Precipice
Hold
Me
Still…

Release it all

You snooze
You lose
Fest ~ of all
the bore ring
Around the Collar
Me A-muse-D.

Everyday
There was that reminder
Of ****** ******* ****…

So take a ride
A Free Ride
With that Reset button
Saying “**** No”
to the *******
And “Hell Yes!”
To the other *******

You know the ones
The ones on that
Single Free Way
enable that Turbo Boost
Knight Rider
Slam onto the gear shift
to glide over the top
of all the ******* shitbirds

It won’t ever be the same.
You have this planned all out,
in your mind.
But it won’t happen that way.
Because, I already decided.

You had some perfect timescale.
To fit your purposes…
**** that!
Do you know me at all?

Your pattern,
became an egocentric journey.
I don’t want to watch it anymore.

Suddenly
i feel small
Like The World Grew
i don’t know
The Difference
Between Right
                 and wrong
i only know acceptance
And Rejection
Scared of Emotion
wanting so much
Hearing
Not You
Not Yet
Not This
Not Now
                  NOT

Living this limbo
I want you
So badly
I want you to need me
I need you to need me
I miss you
Without even touching you
I don’t get it
You worm your way in
Every time
I hate it
I love it
And I fall
Into your words
Your song
The whispers you give
Then That look
That ******* look
Like you know my secret
How to maneuver my hallway
Down to my dungeon
I want to give up
Give in
Run away
Please
Don’t Take
my heart

I constantly tell it
I’m good and ok
Alright I say
Even when I’m not
Because
You can’t know either
How would it be
If you found out
That I’m really
Just a broken
Piece
Of
Nothing

I’m curious
If ....
One of these days
You
Will suddenly do that thing
The thing I want
The movement
I need
Or ....
Maybe you will give
A friendly word
Clue
Hint
Discovery
A tangible mutualization
To me
And ....
Then
I might
Be able to breath
Again
Or .... stop
Thinking so much
If ....

If they knew how truly sad I was

Would they still like me?

If they saw my darkness

Would they run away scared?

If they knew all my morbid thoughts

Would they think I’m crazy?

If they found out my twisted desires

Would they still want me?

If they saw my underbelly

Would they leave?

If they saw all my scars

Would they stay?

There’s a lot I can handle
Much I can take
But one thing can’t stand
And don’t tolerate

It’s when you ignore me
Because it’s a lie
A forgery in process
A system of deny

Face up to the music
Feelings and trust
Why hide from the truth
Or cover it in lust

Running from what
Yourself in the lack
Indecisive pathways
Or reasons in your sac(k)

Whatever the problem
I no longer care
Cuz ignoring is my limit
And you did dare

Bored
Out of mind
Sitting here in masks
Trying to check out
Without checking in
Eye contact
Evade
Waiting
Watching
Listening

Stimulate
The mind
Body
Soul
Reach in
Throughout
Caress
Tickle a thought
Lick and nudge
Find the thread
Twist and tweak
Enchant
Whispered
Temptations
Reel in
Penetrate
This body
My mind
and Soul

Patterns
Of time
Like 3 days
Or two weeks
Perhaps every six months
Or only on a Tuesday
Because it’s their day off
Every cycle
Of the moon
Fully new or sliced
28 days
A 2 by fortnight
Is it the yearly exchange
Perhaps the hourly check in
Seconds go by
And I wait
For the next
Time

I was waiting and watching
Spying on your mood
You wandered directionless
I saw your script as boring
Was it hope that kept you around
Or just a whim in the sheets
Perhaps a novelty of notion
That snuck upon the mind
Aimless shots were used
With pointless games to all
I knew about it sooner
Than the later was my mistake
I’m sure it’s why you scurried
To other shores or floors
I saw through your muck
And the bovine night soil
That you fed to the masses
For insecurity you hide
Or the adopted bravado
Are obvious deflections
For the damaged soul inside

Matter of
perspective
For me
It is
But maybe
For you
They are all
Just a blur
And I
am but
a speck

As I write
Streams down my face
A silent cleansing
Of thoughts
Times and roles
I can’t do it
I want to scream
Rage and …
**** my anxiety
Like a tsunami
Drowning my sanity
I hold on
To some electron
Of hope
Waiting for it
To purge out
This exasperating
Existence

wait until the waiting stops
find your meaning
of words or curds
possible action/reaction
see the *******
then listen to your guts
not about this One
or even that
ask for the answer
is silence golden
just another excuse
perhaps all the meaning
is in between the noise

Everyday feels like Friday,
Except Friday.
Friday feels like Monday.
I think about a Saturday.
Saturday is a Friday evening.
Sunday feels like a Friday after the party.
Monday thru Thursday blends,
Into one long *** Friday.
But I’m home.
None of this makes sense.
The days blend.
Oh they blend some more.
I keep waiting for the weekend I guess.
When the longest week of my life
Is over.
TGIF

I don’t believe it’s really true
But I keep searching for it
In caves
On the stage
Behind the door
Through an open window
Perhaps I’ll find it in a closet
Or my shower
I thought I glimpsed it in the north
I keep thinking it really is in the east
Nothing connects
No pattern or concentration
And this is why
I don’t really believe it’s true

Oh! Sweet words
Entice me to come out
Sneak in my mind
Then start to Shout

was a little nudge
to welcome me back
thought I was Safe
from a whispered attack

And though it was felt
'Twas a Small time
Or just enough
For this one tiny rhyme

wish you would
leave me alone
and I would hate that
want you in my life
but out of it
and away
need your touch
despise it
making me feel like the sexiest
as my ego suffers

I would be all in
and more
I would bring the agony
and ecstasy
You would bring
the joyous devastation

I cried your tears
Filled you with laughter
You gave me

A Yearning

You are the carrot
The oasis
The shelter

Cover me. Feed me. Sate me.

And now….
I know.
And you told me enough.
What I needed to hear from you.
******.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
But hey,
you know,
at least I’m a person.

If I can
I will push you off
To see how well
You are balanced
I want to know
If you are already
Leaning over the edge
Will it take a shove
Or just a little pinprick
I might even help you
Walk to the side
Hold your hand
While you take a gander
Tell you that is ok
To peer over the side
Because that’s the easiest
Way to let go

I want to be heard
Take that moment
To listen to my words
Perhaps hear my heart
Beat—in them
The duty of my soul
When my spirit says
“I’m over here”
Then you might
Know me
If you even wanted to

I’m super lonely
For you
Why you?
I don’t know
I wish I wasn’t
The sense that it makes
Is none
It’s no sense
Or nonsense
But it’s there
I want some presence
From you
Hear your words
Connect to your mind
I could easily reach out
I do every time
But....
But couldn’t you
Show me
Just once
That you
Sought me out
Because you were lonely
For me

The meaning of love
You never knew
The usage of love
Was like a shoe

You wore it
It served its purpose
You walked on
And gained purchase

It was a comfort
All worn in
It was a conflict
Bottom got thin

Never repairing
Just worn and shorn
And never resoling
What was completely torn

The giving of love
Is like a shoe
The giving of love
Covers, protects, and needs a renew

I rearranged my mind yesterday
I moved people out
I changed a few locks
I put one in a room
And another in a closet
I opened up some space
To grow some flowers and trees
I asked for help
Hired new staff
My kitchen was a mess
I need a new chef
And though I was sad
Emotional and in pain
There was a sense of peace
That some right moves were made
The skies began to clear
I heard laughter in my halls
And though the bandit tried to sneak back in
He is but a flimsy flicker
Easily blown out
As I start another day

Flashes
Scrolling through the mind feed
One, two, three…Ten
But that face
Settled into the halls
Took a stroll
Right down my lane
Time for another
Purge

Insecurity is covering me today
Vulnerable and lame
Hidden away for days of grandeur
Revealing words of failure
Taunting with moans left behind
Anxiety came as a unwanted guest
Pretending its residence
Taking pride in the destruction
Overriding it seems impossible
They show me all my desires
Laughable and unrealistic
Then it stokes the fire higher than before
Making me yearn exponentially
Grabbing for peace
Striving for acceptance
Yet thinking this ineptitude won’t end
Undeserving, unrequited, and unfulfilled
Elusive contentment has exhausted me
Weariness joins my covering
Maybe tomorrow I will rest

stealing my Hope
smashing goodness
turning stomachs

I yearn for pleasure
Yet Only taste Bitterness
just that Sour aftertaste

there is a Funk
left to Spoil
and Rot

then my Fortress is drawn
around an aching Heart
with many walls

walls that turn
to Mazes, Cages and Safes
Storehouses of unwanted feelings

I am tormented
within my Fortress
it frightens me

will the walls be broken down?
they must
but...it won’t happen?

My Heart
is not hardened
because of these walls

it’s Only shattered
to where
there is no substance

My Spirit is depleted
and frustration is my quencher
Ha! What does it matter?

I remain
And I linger
And I still
Hope

To be

Or feel

Wanted

To the point

Of desperation

To be craved

Or desired

Needed

Beyond the edge

Of oblivion

Into sweet dreams

Of darkness

Freedom

To be