Your profile doesn’t have a picture but you have been good conversation
Working retail has reinforced the mindset that people are snowflakes in all shapes and sizes
This doesn’t help me, I literally have no idea what you could look like
Or if you are even a person
What if I’m chatting with a scientifically enhanced hamster
If some Lovecraftian being is mingling with me through the cosmos
I asked for a pic 5 minutes ago and the outlandish ideas above have humored me until you replied
Do I read it and force the universe to give me an answer
Do I delete this whole app and live my life never knowing for certain
What if you say no
Then it must be some tentacled being wishing to unravel my very being
If only they knew that if left to my own devices I’ll do that on my own
I got the pic and now as predicted I unravel myself
Why would you like me
Why would you think I’m cute
How in the world would you find me worthwhile
You have a college hoodie on and it only serves to remind me that I am still in my rut no matter how good things have been going recently
You are the breath of spring and the other shoe at the same time
I guess I’ll keep typing, I’m glad at least the void has a face now

Having no one is a double edged sword
You really start to live for yourself
Living for yourself is great until you have no one to tell all the amazing things you have been doing
Like having a bag of Cheetos and a bottle of wine for dinner
The fun *** cocktail of wine and sleeping pills to sleep your off days away
Grocery trips are now TV dinners and wine because you have no one to impress
Off days are too quiet now
I still check my phone way too many times
Each time finding comfort and pain at the blank screen
No new notifications
I know what to expect from each day now
Everything I want but nothing I need.

The sun must be very lonely
The moon has all the stars of the night sky for company
I have much in common with the sun
The sun has to rise everyday all alone
Shine bright so not as to show its weakness
Pouring out endless waves of warmth and light
An instigator of growth and life
Always in someone’s eye craving attention
Some people can’t handle our intensity
We are too bright
People celebrate as the sun leaves the party and gives way to the moon
People curse to see us in the morning, always too soon
Always too excited to be here
They don’t want us to go but never seem happy that we show up or stay.

I have a pit in my stomach that feels like a fist
Just squeezing tighter and tighter
Tomorrow everything could change
Even if it stays the same it’s only for a matter of time
I’ve been waiting years for this moment and I know I should be excited but I feel like I’m letting a lot go
I’m going to miss the conversations during the car rides
I know you hate picking me up and dropping me off
I loved the time spent together
I will gain the world tomorrow but to me it will be at the loss of a treasure

Congratulations you found some brush and twigs to make a fire
You thought it was difficult enough to make the fire but keeping it lit is the real work
Cold winds dance and sing through the night sky
Doubt
It comes from the expected and unexpected, it tries to take your light
Your passion, struggle, fight
Sometimes we let them win
We can’t help it
Our fire goes out
Those who are brave enough throw themselves into the fire
Abandon all kindling and wear your flame
Let your passion consume you
Persevere
Let the fire spread
Make the stars look at you in envy.

Work to me feels like a production
Our slate wipes clean each day
We set the stage, we preform our lines
We check our numbers to make sure we are living up to the company standard
We reset the stage and acts to be ready for the next performance, tomorrow
We are numbers on someone’s report in someones office that I don’t know
They look at that number and decide they know us
They can see the sweat blood and tears
They can see the cups of coffee and bag of chips for lunch
They can see the tired frustration creeping in like the chill in the air
The countless hours spent digging deeper to get the show on the road.

People say they get it but I’m skeptical
It consumes everything
All the drugs, the alcohol, the people
Everything I use to fill this void is never enough
It’s like an emotional tape worm
We eat and eat and rip chunks of flesh with our teeth and it still wants more
I started taking pictures of the fireworks to show you the view from my apartment until I realized you don’t care to see them
I had you in my life for 17 years for you to get mad at me for not telling you something
For that to be the straw that broke the camels back
Everything that I used to bring joy to my day is gone
When you don’t have anyone to tell your day to then why bother to have a good day
If it doesn’t really matter then today can be like yesterday and the day before
Silent.

I had hoped for so much more for myself
I had dreams and plans and confidence
I can only hold my breath for so long
I’m tired of fighting the current
I’m tired of constant struggle
I’m tired of self doubt
I’m tired of being
I’m tired of me
I’m so tired
Of being
Tired
Tired is time
Tired is time spent smiling
Tired is time spent laughing
Tired is time spent adventuring
So with a yawn and a coffee I keep going

Power comes from truth
Truth comes from peace
In the tarot Strength holds the lion with a gentle but firm grip
I know who I am
I am at peace with who I am
I know my truth good and bad
My power is my unshakable being
I am who I am
Change is inevitable
So be the change that opens your world.

I am elusive
If you don’t look close enough then my mask might as well be real
I have learned to hide
Hide in the small pauses of polite conversation
Hide in the stolen glances and “Hi how are you”
Sometimes I forget to smile
The polite patient tone of my voice is sometimes given away by my stone cold face
No matter how heartfelt the Good Morning is if it isn’t accompanied by a smile then is it even worth it
I care as much as I ever did
I am tired of smiling to make the other person feel better.