He had these quirky ways about him.
Spastic movements when he was excited
Eyes that would dart when he was
Putting words to thoughts
Looking over his readers
A process of setting things up just so
To play a game of chess
Funny names for stray cats I know he secretly loved
He would tell me just how he wanted things
Just how the back rubs should go
Where the ibuprofen belonged
How the jacket should hang
He never once said he was sorry
He always thought he was right
He had this inpenetrable pride that he wrapped himself in
It kept the world out and me out as well
His own body guard - he was
Trust was a four letter word to him
Truth was whatever he wanted it to be
Love, just another thing to disprove
Because it made him vulnerable
He was always the first to leave
I loved him, not despite those things,
But because of those things.
The problem with loving a man like that though
Is that he will never see you
He will never see just how hard it was for you to let him in
He won't see the same fear in you
That he carries in himself
He won't ever try to understand
Why you decline visits
Or put your make up on
Why you hold an aloofness about you
He won't understand that you do those things
Because you are afraid
That he might suddenly find you ugly
See you at your worst one day
And just walk away.
He will never know how hard it is to choose between
Protecting your own heart and letting him into it
That all the anomalies are the product of
The hardest battle you will ever fight
To not lose your sense of self
To not become a casualty
To be able to stand at the end
Undefeated just like him.
And say, "Well, at least he didn't leave
Fully knowing me."
"At least I didn't surrender or retreat."
That those anomalies provide an escape route to some sort of victory, albeit one in a war you hope never to be a part of.
That they help you not flinch
When he turns the knife on you
He will never understand that
Love to you is so foreign
So unknown and daunting
That it's like learning a new language
He won't appreciate you are giving all you have to give
He won't believe how your every thought contains him
Nor how being loyal is the easiest thing you have ever done
Nor will he care when he turns your vision of love
Into something so warped
you will forever avoid it
He will turn every joy, every hope, every pure moment
Into whatever fallacy he chooses
So that he can feel shameless
He will make you the villain in his story
So that he can dehumanize you, hate you,
And discard you.
That's the problem with loving a man like that.
And **** all ...I did it anyway.

looking across
the cold rush of water,
I toss my shoes.
they land, one scattering from the other
on the opposite side of the river.
the cold stones are distantly spaced
and slick from algae,
and god-knows-what green stuff.
my heart skitters past my lungs,
hiding like the little girl she is-
tucked away, afraid.
what if I fall in?
what if I slip?
i could just stay here,
on this end.

The wind told me a secret,
Barely above a whisper,
With a trembling voice,
"This storm will also pass"

I want to live right up to when I die
and through, beyond the finish line.
Not with a gasp and an ugly stumble,
but run straight on, strong and triumphal.

I want to live right up to when I die
with au revoir and not goodbye.
I want to live with real expectation
and run on into the new creation.

Eat your shame
It doesn’t go away
Regurgitate
like you’re overweight
You need more meat
on your body to hate

She promised to **** him off
in the parking lot
for her drink of choice
She was far too young
for either one
but had nothing left to lose

Swallow your pride
It doesn’t go down easy
Don’t let him see you
cringe in disgust
You need more secrets
to hate yourself for

Cut your skin
wide open
Underneath even you know
you’re worth more
It can only get better
and I don’t take it for granted

Uncomfortable in her skin
unless it was naked
No confidence in
a word she said
unless they were slurred
So she ate her shame
every ******* day
She swallowed her pride
and kept her promises
It all cut her skin wide open

The wind keeps flailing a leaf in the grass outside my window,
it moves from side to side,
lightly and violently, back and forth,
but it stays in the same spot on the ground.

This leaf is so grounded I begin to feel jealous,
it withstands any gust.

Then, I remember this leaf fell from a tree,
it already lost its battle.

And now it's fighting yet another one.

A never-ending war,
the life after leaving home.

Miles upon miles,
Riddled with beds.
Tissues and soft hands,
To wipe my tears.
Piles upon piles,
Of blankets and food.
A nice, big bowl
Of serotonin.

It’s like a stone
Being added
To the weight
On your back
And then
And then it just breaks.

It’s like when
As a kid
You would wave
Around the bubble wand
And watch it stretch
And strain
And then
And then it just pops.

It’s like running
Until you can’t anymore
Until you’re on
The side of the road
And you can’t breathe
Because knives
Are slicing
Into your lungs.

It’s laying on your bed
Never wanting to get up.

It’s this.

i am so tired
but
everything that
exhausts me
keeps me
awake
at night