I let go
Of the joy that hurt me

I let go
Of the  joy that broke me

I let go
But I’m still broken

I let go
To be me again

I let go
But I have gone

Oh how time passes
Yet nothing appears to have changed
Yet maybe it has
And I am deranged

You’re
in my head
Still

You
never left
though

Yet
you are never
here

I
Begin to see
Clearly

Yet
Still I
Seek

Never have I wanted someone so much
Never have I felt so alone
This is all I know right now
And it’s everything I don’t want to feel

You take away the pain
Of every hurt I feel
Consuming my mind
Looking to heal

The outlook is blind
Future dark
Present does not exist
Makes me tired

I try yes I do
To right the wrongs
But always reminded
That I can’t compete

You, you are elevated
I look up and see
Yet here below
I admit defeat

I'd rather give you
real ones
and real kisses
and real love

We could make it real
one day

So why bother wading through diluted water
to only half wet your feet
when all you want is to be
submerged

Love

         Loss

               Life

                      Learning...

                        ­              still learning

the most dangerous
drug of them all

I don’t miss...
waiting for you
to tell me you love me
Just before sleep
When it wasn’t hard for me to say it to you at all

I don’t miss...
Being angry that you paid me no attention
That you never touched me like you used to
never smiled when I kissed you
let alone kissed me back

I don’t miss...
Running into the darkness
To find a light of my own
To find a space in the void that would welcome me more

I don’t miss..
Crying for the mistakes I made
When all I wanted was to feel what we had at the start

But our start has now become our end
And I’m learning to begin again
Even though the pain is greater than before

As this wind blows around me
I find myself standing cold
I wait for you
without a coat
because I know this storm
will pass
and you will bring the sun
to keep me warm.

Right now
I’m good

Although i don’t have you with me
I have you
In my heart

My mind is full
of memories
That will stay with me
always

These are bright and light
my day
I can wait a little longer
my dear
To share my love
with you

For

me

A person
who feels the same
feels the same
intense fire
in their soul as I do?
A person that needs the fire
as much as me?

You

Always you

You
Keep the fire distant
Till it almost dies out
But glows
in the dark

Gently

Together

we force life from our lips
Breaths entwined
Rise the fire from the earth
As we stand
Together

But

alone

My soul needs to burn
Needs heat
To keep it alive
Otherwise it drifts on the wind
And dissipates
Into nothing

Thinking about you
Always

Playfully
you love

Each time
I feel intensity

Resistance
between us
I doubt

Why am I still sat here
waiting for him
shouldn't I be stronger than this
and not need a man to make me happy?
But happy he makes me
so very happy
ecstatic.
No not the right word-
euphoric
I can't really explain tbh
He is like a drug
my drug of choice even though
I know I shouldn't indulge
He's my secret addiction
that I want every day
but when I can't have him
I'm on the most painful come down
I've ever known
My soul escapes me and I can see it
being torn to pieces right in front of me
a puddle of blood and tears at my feet
I know its not healthy
this dependence
this addiction to love
to a man I can't have
to hurt, neglect and rejection
But I want that hit
of pure love
as each hit is always stronger than the last one
to do without this coursing through my veins
I fear I won't survive
I'm not strong enough to survive the pain
of not having love
with him

I'm angry
But I relieve him again
Its my weapon
He's at my mercy
And I feel good

Together again
truly happy
I smile
Your face illuminated

Our bodies know
That time will run out
soon
Furious intensity of
potent love
sates each others passion

The night disappearing
towards dawn
we slip into sleep
exhausted

Unarmed and
Alone

I'm not going to be
foolish

Don't manipulate me
I'm tired, uneasy

I tell myself
I'm taking a big risk

I'm far too deep
To surface in time

Love is a battle
          Worth fighting
                         no matter how much
                                     it hurts

An eternity
stumbles

I watch as
20 years begin to convulse

The spell's broken

Realization hits me

Is this my
last chance?

I come to you
With nothing

And I leave
with exactly the same

My head is heavy
Falling back into
the dark place
that I hoped
would never exist again

But it's always been there
A home from home
Offering a warm embrace
A place that welcomes
with no judgement

A place with no ending
no starting point
No acceptance of mistakes
That are created in this journey

No paths visible
No light that guides
the way
An eternal nothingness
behind closed eyes
There is no escape

No calls reach out
No voice can reach in
no hands to take hold
Not even to push away

No expectations
to be nothing more than yourself
No confusion

So I lean back further
Falling freely
Hoping the ground doesn't take long
To rise up
take the weight on all sides
I don't want to fall
anymore

How do I control these urges
Of wanting you
To feel you
Need you
To make you need me

To quench the inner thirst that I drown in every day
When you're not here

Dripping down and slicing through my soul
How I yearn for you

An ache so intense
I can't fulfil by myself
No matter how many times I try
My imagination wanders
But it's not the same

Only you can heal this
Make this ache recede
You can heal
The hurt
I feel

And then into the darkness
One footstep at a time
Where is the light
To guide the way
And does it lead home?

My heart is alight
By the words spoken
From your mouth
Tantalising my being
I feel hope
That I was never wrong
And you feel
The same way I feel

The road you take - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - every day - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - never - - - - - seems to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - end - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  but I remain - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - still - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -caught in a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  jam and going - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - nowhere - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - All roads lead- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - somewhere- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -The destination only- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ours to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -decide . . . .  .  .  .   .    .   .

Sometimes
I sit here and think
wouldn't it just be good
to not have to go through
yet another day
feeling the same?
Not to feel
empty inside anymore?
Not to know
what the future hasn't got to offer?
Encased within
these magnolia walls so bleak
with nothing to say
unless I say it
to myself
no-one to share the hours with
to close my eyes
and never see them again
would be a blessing

This, this, just ******* this
whatever the **** this is
In my head
Its running round in circles
Leading me a merry dance
stamping all over me
Cutting slices to my core
and i can't defend myself from the attacks
because there's nothing physical to push away
its noxious and suffocating
and maybe its just better if I let it take me down
but it surrounds and smothers me just the same
why can't I fight it
I'm so tired and ashamed that its stronger than me
whatever this headfuck is
a grown woman
I should be strong
not right now I'm not
but maybe tomorrow
but I know I'll get headfucked again at some point
and I'll be as defenseless as I always am
******* headfuck

Maybe I get a bit too emotional
about this, about us, our situation
that I want way too much, more than you can give
and it'll drive you away
I know its not easy for you
You have a complicated life
a life where you have made promises
and those people expect a lot from you
I won't be one of those people, demand so much of you
and you've made no promises to me
There is a lot in life I know I can't have
through no fault of my own
it's just how life works for some and
its always been that way for me
But I want you, God how much I want you
That I do know, and I'll fight for what I believe in
on those very rare occasions when
I really believe in something
What we have is more than good
and I want us to keep it, make it stronger
But the unknown is scary
Of what could be, or might not be
we both understand this
Because this could just be a stupid ****** daydream
that never comes true
All thoughts and feelings wasted and hearts broken
I don't want that, not for us
But someone will get their heart broken
This will be certain
If its me then I'll accept that decision
and I'll know at least we made each other happy
in the short time we spent together
and the love we made will be remembered
always