Twenty years ive known you,
Shocking as this sounds,
Back then I was a different person
My identity not yet found

I remember it well,
Meeting you online,
Intruiged by another culture
You were the mysterious one online!

I was obsessed with Geography
Knew every flag of the world
Spent hours staring at maps
I would never get bored

I knew I never belonged
In the land I was living then
So the atlas was an escape
From the confusion since I was ten

You spoke a different language
From the mysterious side of the world
I was fascinated by and drawn to
This different side of the world

It was an honour to meet you
I felt I was so lucky!
I now had a Russian friend
Although his English hard to comprehend

This made it just more interesting,
It showed language didnt matter
We were still able to communicate,
Even by postal letters!

I was young, insecure,
Brainwashed too at that time,
So this escape was a relief
The mysterious person online!

You temporarily rescued me
From the weirdness of my home
I dont have many fond memories
But meeting you was one

I bought a book because of you,
Called "learn Russian in 3 months"
I was drawn to the Cyrillic alphabet,
But only now 20 years on can I use it!

Russian in 3 months was hilarious,
It was never going to work
Three years yes maybe,
Thats what the title should be!

But such was your desire for English
Your skills overtook mine,
Now im surrounded by Russians,
....I wish Id learned more at the time!

By the time you came to visit
Id escaped to Scotland,
I was somehow free,
Although not yet entirely

The brain is great at deleting
Large parts of my life
But you kept all the postcards and letters
I was so surprised!

These things are like treasure,
Reminders of lost time,
Its good to regain the happy parts
And leave the rest behind

The phone call still makes me laugh
It took you so long to say each word
Even my cruel mother gave up
Trying to wait for the words

I remember the day so well
She called me to the phone
Told me theres a message
Then she left me alone!

Weird behaviour for my mother
The perplexity on her face
As she listens to the message
From a mysterious place

Now twenty years on
You've rescued me again
I got myself in a pickle
And you came up with a plan

Most people didnt care
Those I chose to tell
Except an angel, Patricia,
Her Nigerian name too long to spell

She didnt even know me
I met her through a friend
A friend from Burundi,
Now living in Scotland

In my hopeless depressing reality
Sat in a place called Gillingham,
I spoke to you most evenings
You again allowed me to escape

I looked forward to reading your writing,
Learning more about your life,
Now with your improved English
I wanted to read it all night

You knew I was desperate to leave,
And you suggested Armenia,
A country I had heard of
But shamefully only little

Meeting you in Armenia
Was the best decision by far
The best decision I had made,
Since being torn from Africa

I knew very little about it,
And yet I was ready to go!
It just shows how desperate I was
To escape from where I never planned to go

I have to say, you saved me,
If only from myself
And of course from the NHS
Who probably would have killed me

They say things happen for a reason
The universe makes a plan,
So I guess if I wasnt deported,
I might not have seen you again

You have changed my life for the better,
Although you say you dont do charity,
You even left me with your bank card,
As well as a way to make money

You may not see yourself as kind,
But that is all I see,
And I have always loved you
Ever since I was twenty :)

Home is calling
I hear it's voice
It's arms wide open
An African embrace

I smell the grass
Feel the soil on my feet
My focus on home
Runs so so deep

The warmth, the freedom
The people, the trees,
Africa is calling
Like a song in the breeze

My roots are grounded
So firmly planted
A long time before
Colonialism started

I see jacarandas
I hear hyenas
Joyful singing
Dancing till morning

The wide smiles
Cheerful eyes
Ubuntu is everything
Under these skies

The sun is glowing
On a wide African sky
Insects chirping
As the sun says goodbye

From all over Africa
Came my people
To my tiny land
Of my heritage

I'm there in spirit
I dream every night
Ask ancestors to guide me
Back home when the time is right

To sit with the baobab
To feel the connection
Something so deep
In my soul, a protection

To go back in time
At mighty Magelies
Sit in silence
In the area of our birthplace

The cradle of humankind
Is not just a name
It's real, still there
A place from where we all came

As old as the hills
An English saying
Well here you can feel it
These hills have seen everything

The warmth
The safety
The love
The humility

And my motherland
Isolated, alone,
A jewel in the ocean
Where few of us call home

I feel the longing
To be back
With my brothers and sisters
My soul is black

Nothing fills the void
Of our heritage calling
Africa, St Helena,
Calling and calling

Africa is ours
St Helena is mine
Those not visited
Won't understand

My roots are firm......

Nomkhumbhulwa 🍀

I don't know where to start,
As I write this from the heart.
And since the day you left us,
We are bleeding from the heart.

We only met so recently  ,
Four years ago in fact.
You came to visit on Christmas Eve,
Danced in the yard with Tsietsi

I still don't know what happened,
We still think of you every day
I could not attend your funeral
I wanted you here to stay

Bandile I'm sorry,
Is all I can say,
I can't write without crying,
Pain doesn't go away

Such a huge person,
With such a huge heart,
With such a huge smile,
And a voice that is still heard

So full of life,
You filled us with life too,
Your happiness, optimism,
Philosophical you

But Bandile I remember
So terribly terribly well
The night of that phone call
And how the world just fell

How could this be true?
We saw you last weekend
You talked to me about dying,
But it wasn't part of the plan!

After patching you up last year
With a hole in your head that day
I always worried,
But not you; life's too short you say

And then you left us
Nobody knew what to do,
A dark cloud over Soweto
A community heartbroken, it's true

People carried on,
As funerals require,
Maybe you gave them strength,
But I've never seen people so tired

The unanswered questions,
Keeping our wounds open,
Unable to accept or believe,
Easier to pretend.

For me that's what happened
I pretended it wasn't true
It was so impossible.
Anyone, but not you.

You are full of life to me
Calling me "Emmerentia"
And I think you always will be
A beautiful image forever

I have so much to tell you,
But your philosophy sticks with me
I try to use it to help me
I see how it set you free

You went before your time
Never came to eastern cape
We had so many plans,
Then in seconds they evaporate

I think we all feel the same
And we probably always will
We wanted to speak to you one last time
To hear your cheerful voice

Bandile you are such a good friend,
A brother, a father too,
The kind gentle giant
Is how we remember you

It still seems unreal
At least for me it does
But I didn't want to say goodbye
Where would we put all the tears?

Stoicism kept you strong
The one comfort we may take
Knowing you'd say "that's enough"
"No more crying", "let's just dance"

I cannot finish this poem
Because there's too much to say
You live on with all of us
And forever you will stay

Bandile we all love you
Orlando West, Rockville,
Rosebank as well as Soweto
Will never be the same without you

With love always from the bottom of my heart, I write looking at mount Ararat. Finding the peace I needed to start.

For you Bandile.
Or as iPhone called you " ban dyl zondo!"

You're so right....life is short.
💔🙏😥🥀⛰️🏔️🌠🕯️🕯️🕯️

ESKOM

Where do I start?
Writing this by candle light;
Yet today we are lucky,
Load shedding came early

The system is done,
Its broken, corrupt,
Time after time,
Excuses one after the next

Us we are lucky,
In some ways anyhow;
For we have a few means
To keep warm for now

Others are not,
In fact most are not,
They suffer, they die,
But ESKOM - care they do not

Yes it was once ok,
to be totally without,
But once electricity is introduced,
Its difficult to go without

Those who have the means
Have done what they can,
Generators, gas, solar,
Options are endless, but only if you can

To most the expense is impossible,
Of course we want solar,
We want clean energy,
Just like we collect rain water

Its nothing new,
Its now been decades,
Leaving people to suffer,
ESKOM one problem after another

Winter after winter
Just when its needed most,
ESKOM takes it away,
Light, warmth, taken away

People light fires with paraffin,
Then bring them indoors,
Just to keep warm,
In the morning they dont wake up at all


Where is investment in alternatives?
For ESKOM cannot go on,
As one of my cousins said -
The grid is often more off than on

I cannot complain,
Not for myself anyway;
I choose to live here
I'll do things my own way

But I do see suffering
Knowing a long winter is ahead,
With an overburdened health system,
Knowing every winter leaves people dead

How much longer will it take?
For ESKOM to finally close,
To open doors for others,
Its time to get rid of the coal

In a Country basking in sunshine
nearly every day of the year,
The lack of solar power is saddening,
And shameful, but ESKOM doesnt care

Yes we have fire,
But we also have rain,
Those two dont mix,
Cannot cook on fire in the rain

The saddest things is this,
That ESKOM just dont care;
Lives dont matter to ESKOM,
Anyway - they have their share

The few that can make do,
They can afford to.
So everyone else is forgotten,
Nearly 80 percent of the population

Its cold, its wet,
We cannot light fire,
If we do its outside,
Buildings no longer designed for fire

How much longer ESKOM?
Will you allow people to suffer?
Will you eat all the money?
Will you do this to South Africa??

We all hope for a brighter future; quite literally...."brighter" ..  :)

Nomkhumbulwa **

I wrote this while waiting my turn at Baragwanath Hospital...it suddenly came to me, that I had been speaking to these wonderful ladies at **** Crisis Scotland nearly every day before I came here and started to heal.  Im forever, and ever...grateful ***

"While I wait…"

Today I was thinking,
I had so much time,
Waiting for hours and hours,
Patiently in line

Apprehensive, nervous,
Yet somewhat assured,
I let my mind wander,
Back and back it was lured

Im out of my body,
Now an empty shell,
Going back to the past,
Going back to …hell

It feels dangerous,
Thinking back,
I feel so vulnerable,
It hurts to look back

But here I am,
Waiting in line,
A different person,
To look back, it is time

But who was I?
What was going on?
The fear, the shame,
I had almost no one

Its darkness and pain,
Unbearable pain,
Not trusting anyone,
Even myself, never again

I was something else,
Torture, torture, torture,
Hating myself,
Was I a murderer?

The panic, the fear,
Not knowing myself,
Not knowing inside,
Wanting to **** myself

All of this now
Seems so much worse,
As im getting better,
Im learning to trust

The pain in my stomach,
Thinking back to that time,
Stuck in my house,
Completely out of my mind

Time had stopped,
But I still had to live,
Existing was painful,
It was a nightmare to live

I don’t recognise myself,
Don't know who I was,
But the feelings are still with me,
More traumatic than all else

My blades were my friends,
Taking the pain each day,
Numbing my mind,
Allowing it to “go away”

Cut cut cut,
Every day,
I look at my scars now,
I’ve had to explain

Back there I was me,
But I was totally lost,
Like living a virtual reality,
So totally totally lost

An empty shell,
Yet shaky and trembling,
Wanting to die,
For being a burden

Suddenly
Im lost for words,
Just feeling feelings,
Its too much for words

There was nothing left of me,
Now that I know,
And knowing causes me pain,
How could I have got so low?

I can’t stop the tears,
The confusion, the fog,
Was so intense,
Not knowing who I was

The daymares,
The nightmares,
People grabbing me,
People hurting me

I look at my arm,
I look at my legs,
Nowhere is my body spared,
Apart from my face

I felt *****,
Ashamed,
A burden,
On Society

I disgusted myself,
Yet not knowing why,
Even for calling the helpline,
I felt I should die

Its much like a fog,
Feeling my way through,
Occasionally bumping into things,
My mind says “thats you”

I was so very sick,
I only know now,
Just thinking how sick I was
Makes me physically ill now

It wasn’t me,
Id gone somewhere,
The pain too much,
And the shame, to bear

I break down now
When I describe these times,
I was in contact with people,
Begging them to take my life

It still comes back now,
Triggers, so im told,
I beat myself up,
Hit my head on the wall

It can be overwhelming
When it comes back,
Whether its the ****,
Or just the cruelty I faced

People were cruel,
So so cruel,
They hurt me so deeply,
That I thought I was cruel

I think back to times
I was abused by police,
I was abused by doctors,
In fact, all authorities

They just hurt me more,
They put me through hell,
The pain they caused me,
Left a story to tell

They were cold, suspicious,
Filling me with shame,
Making me believe,
That I was to blame

They traumatised me more,
More than ever before,
Or perhaps I should say torture,
I felt ashamed to my core

So much I could write,
But im struggling for words,
They hurt me, they did this,
Now I realise their curse

I cannot forgive them,
I cannot go back,
Here life's a struggle,
But my trust is coming back

I feel sad for time wasted,
Knowing Pamela would help me,
It pains me now to think
How I just could not let her help me

She believed in me,
Was ready to listen,
She understood,
Even spoke to the policeman

But I always feared
Asking for help,
For I was a burden,
Perhaps id feel worse getting help

They put this in my mind,
….a burden on society,
Dealing with the **** was one thing,
But this was a different story

Pamela tried so hard,
She took me to get help,
But it never materialised,
Instead, I totally lost hope

The days were long,
The nights were longer,
The man in my house,
Or is it my mother?

I didn’t want to exist,
I blocked out my life,
Then remembered what I didn’t want to,
My brain attacking me like a knife

There was no hope,
People are so cruel,
Do they enjoy it?
Watching people become ill?

I didn’t know how sick I was
Until I started getting better,
Im in a better place now,
But with a past full of horror

Its been a long time,
I think it had to be,
For me to find myself,
And to feel free

Now is the time,
Looking back on my life,
There were people, a helpline,
That physically saved my life

Although I was confused,
Not allowing myself to believe,
They told me again and again,
The one thing they did was believe

A have so much respect,
A deep connection too,
To these selfless women,
Who give up their time, for you

There wasn’t much you could do,
But you did everything and more,
You never gave up on me,
As I sat glued to the floor

Im healing slowly,
Reclaiming my life,
But I want to thank you ladies,
You did save my life

I appreciate everything you did so deeply it brings me to tears, thank you from the very bottom of my heart. .

I am me…

I have every right to be
To be me; I am me.
We’re all unique,
Different looks, styles, personalities

I have a right to be me,
As you have a right to be you
I may have opinions,
And that right you have too

It’s taken time to realise
That it’s ok to be me,
For so long I thought
That there was something wrong with me

I didn’t meet expectations
But these can never be met,
For we all have our own path
We cannot be something we’re not

I’ve stopped trying now
To be somebody else
Whoever they wanted me to be
I cannot, for I am myself

And it is ok to be
To just be yourself
Cause no intentional harm
To anyone, even yourself

If you don’t approve
I cannot help you
I will no longer try
To be something I’m not, for you

My life is for me
And those part of it
I’m not a slave to anyone
Even if you’re my family

It doesn’t give you the right
To abuse, shame and disgrace
Just because we share blood
We all belong to the human race

You are you
And that’s ok too
Just be yourself, but
Don’t force others to be you

You have your life
And I have mine
If you don’t like it
Then perhaps it’s a sign

A sign that distance
And disconnection is necessary
I’ll never be good enough
Do you not yet see?

You have expectations
I cannot live up to
And I will no longer try
For I have a life too

I know who I am,
Though not who you want me to be
But that would never work
For I am a “human “ you see

I’m not here for you
I don’t belong to you
I’m no slave, no lower species
I’m here for those who need me

I feel loved
I feel despised
And though I’ll never know why
The problem is no longer mine

You do not own me
I’m not living for you
I was born as myself
Not born an extension of you

I use my own mind
Feel my own emotions
At last I am free
Free from the web of confusion

I have set backs
I have flash backs
Feel the pain
Just the same

But I’m stronger
I’m getting stronger
Every day
I’m working hard

To know me
Just me
No one else,
Just me

You have taught me so much
And I’m grateful for that
Even through all the pain
I Can now help others who are trapped

You taught me exactly
How not to treat people
Taught me the effects
Of torturing people

I see through you now
And it does make me sad
But you see - I know me
I’m becoming, slowly, free

I Am me,
So please……let me be.

Me.


Nomkhumbulwa……

Today you were taken….

Today you were taken
Your life abruptly ended
All of a sudden
Cruelty bared naked

The sadness is deep
A sorrow so painful
We miss you so much Timmy
The shock still palpable

How can this be?
Such a beautiful young soul
So quickly taken
Your body in a hole

You didn’t want rest
You didn’t want peace
You were so full of life
You wanted to hunt, and eat cheese

It was not your time
Such as evil intervenes
Barely two years old
Natural causes take time

I am so sorry Timmy
That this had to happen
No words can express
The deep pain left within

May your spirit continue to bless and watch over us, you are forever welcome.

We hold you so dear,
Your loving friends- both here and afar. For you are so loved.
💔🕊💔
🐈