I don’t believe I was wrong
For searching for a cure at the end of a sharp blade
Or at the bottom of an empty plate
I just wish someone had told me sooner
That fighting pain with more pain wasn’t the answer
That what I actually needed
Was to take the time to find more of myself

I have spent so much time
caught in my own head

Trying to merely tread water
preventing myself from drowning

Losing touch with reality
my life lacking clarity
as the edges of each day and night
are dulled

Confined to a certain haziness
Caught somewhere between

                               Floating and ......
                                                                f
                                                                  a
                                                                    l
                                                                      l
                                                                        i
                                                                          n
                                                                             g

All this bitterness sat rotting my insides
for over 10 years
now nothing has remained untouched

The faults and flaws
                                    outweighing the attributes

I could no longer stomach my own reflection
not because of my appearance
but because of the ugliness that lay
                                                               below the surface

Terrified of my own unguarded thoughts
that were often sharper
                                         than any knives

Blades never quite did as much damage
as the cruelty of my internal dialogue
learning to use words as weapons
                                                         the cause of my own demise

You took what was rightfully mine
forcing words into my mouth
pulling at these limbs like I was a puppet
turning me into something not human
making me believe I was utterly worthless

I became the problem as the blame fell on me
all our misfortunes and failures were my fault
I was the monster hiding under children’s beds
howling into the dead of night

You restricted my growth
forcing me to kneel at your feet
there I begged for your forgiveness time and time again
filled with guilt and shame
watching the broken mess we had become
wondering where it all went wrong
how we wandered so far off this path
getting lost in the bitterness and anger
our hearts turned cold
veins filled with each-others poison

Fighting fire with fire
striking a match and standing by as everything we had burnt
this thing that we created was not the product of love
but of hate and resentment

We turned green eyed in this feeding frenzy
hungering for one another’s flesh
viciously tearing down these walls
infiltrating each-others vulnerable minds

You had my slowly beating heart in your hand
but instead of nurturing it
you blackmailed me
forcing this mind to become tethered to your own

Whenever I looked over my shoulder
I saw you
those cold eyes scrutinising every single action
and interaction
filtering the words that came out of my mouth

I could feel your nails digging into my flesh
as you forced yourself on me
your warm breath still lingers here
I have tried running
but these chains prevent me from ever getting far
a truth I cannot escape and
a past that refuses
to let me go

The scars you left behind are a permanent reminder
of all that transpired here
the sins we committed hand in hand
ensuring each-others demise

You broke me and I am still trying
to pick up the pieces
rummaging through the rubble
trying to find something beautiful again
a piece of this canvas left blank

Your shadow will always
linger at the corners of my mind
but I have found a new strength within
a resilience emerging from the broken
and heaven forbid
you try
and
take that from me

This story
is
still
meant
to
be
told

If only it was possible to escape the incessant chatter of my own internal dialogue
Tasting the sweet nectar of freedom
Something other than this bitterness that remains in my mouth

The smell of rust and alcohol lingers
Reminding me of the sins that have been committed
My hands have been stained red with the crimes I have perpetrated

I scavenge each corner of this shrinking body
Searching for something I like
Instead each imperfection is illuminated
Etched like a map on this sheet of translucent paper