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Ellie Grace Aug 2018
If only it was possible to escape the incessant chatter of my own internal dialogue
Tasting the sweet nectar of freedom
Something other than this bitterness that remains in my mouth

The smell of rust and alcohol lingers
Reminding me of the sins that have been committed
My hands have been stained red with the crimes I have perpetrated

I scavenge each corner of this shrinking body
Searching for something I like
Instead each imperfection is illuminated
Etched like a map on this sheet of translucent paper
Ellie Grace Aug 2018
A freedom that’s fading with each wrong turn
Continuing to walk down this cursed path
Completely apathetic to the consequences of these action
Simply not caring anymore
Toying with a life

Playing with fire
Enjoying the pain that comes with getting burnt
I am once again dancing with death
Methodically digging my own grave at the age of 18
Ellie Grace Aug 2018
I began to regret every breath
Not feeling worthy of the air that filled my lungs
In an attempt to satisfy an unquenchable thirst I turned to deprivation
Starving this physical body and mind of all that it needed to survive
A twisted perception of obedience and selflessness clouded my vision
Believing the illusion I carefully created
Robbed of my free will as I became a salve to a broken minds bidding
I taught myself to be nothing
Programming this brain to think a certain way
Belittling myself until I finally cracked
Succumbing to this insanity
Ellie Grace Aug 2018
I wish I could escape my thoughts if only for a moment
The relentless onslaught of abuse is becoming harder to tolerate
Stomaching the bitterness of my internal dialogue is painful
Remaining a hostage to this diseased mind
Confined within its constricting walls
Losing hope with the fading light
Ellie Grace Jul 2018
As each day passes I can feel myself slowly losing a part of my identity
falling into the black abyss of insanity
Once again this disease has become all consuming
eating away at my mind
I feed myself the same lies
stomaching the pain of this decaying body
Mind clouded by malnutrition
Once again indulging in this slow form of suicide
Ellie Grace Jul 2018
Beautiful girl
You are worthy of more than
This disease will ever give you
So very deserving of a life filled with happiness
And hope and joy
All things anorexia is hell bent on depriving you of
You have an identity outside this disorder
Goals and aspirations that are meant to be achieved
A voice that was not meant to be silenced
Never doubt the strength you possess inside
Courage and bravery that cannot be measured

This disorder has taken away too many years
But you are fighting a war that can be won
Even on your darkest days
When the thoughts are too loud
And it feels easier to go back to the familiar comfort of old behaviours
Know that the past is not a place you want to be stuck in
You can break free from this destructive cycle

Recovery is hard
Believe me I know
But it is time you started to heal
God knows you deserve to heal
To learn how to love yourself from the inside out
To be at peace with your body
And grow into the beautiful young woman you are meant to become
Ellie Grace Jul 2018
Plagued by a disease that has no exact source
slowly spreading
feeding of its host
yet there is no visible proof
these scars the only evidence of this broken mind
the rapid shrinking and expanding
of this body merely a physical manifestation
of illogical thoughts
driven by both perfection
and the desire to completely self-destruct

Unable to truly live yet unable to die
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