I am jealous of your life before.
Of all the fingers that have touched you,
And the ears that have heard you say
“I love you.”
I am jealous
Of all the parts of you I will never know,
Of all the years that I didn’t play a part in,
Of all the smiles that I didn’t cause.
I know I have no right to be,
I cannot claim every piece of you,
I cannot deny you a history,
I cannot be your everything.
But god knows, I want to be.
Because what if those ghosts of fingers
Still touch you?
What if you still hear the echoes
Of “I love you”s that tripped from tongues
Other than mine?
What if all those smiles,
Half remembered,
Make you long for lips you used to kiss?
What if,
What if,
What if.
I don’t know how to not be afraid
Of losing you.
I am scared that one day you will wake up,
And look at me,
And realise I am so hollow
And I have so little to give.
I am scared that you will realise
You are worth so much more
Than me.

Will you wait for the day to end
so you could see me?
Will I be the one to bring you a smile
On a long long day?
Will I be the rock?
Will I be the sun?
Will you find comfort in me,
When the world hurts you?
Will you seek my words,
When nothing  makes sense?
Will you cherish our moments?
Will you go over my words,
Again and again?
Will you be the constant,
In my ever-changing life?

I have spent too long
Under too-hot water
Frying myself
And trying nothing
But to scrub you
Out from under my
Skin, red and raw

(9/25/17 || 10:00)

She wants to love intimately
To feel a mess of hands
Run up and down her back, thighs
And through her hair.
She wants to feel hands rise up
Her shirt and cup her *******
To feel at home in the arms of
Someone new

And yet she lays so very still
Alone in the early hours
With a red face and dry eyes
There is no one by her side
And her thoughts overrun her

She wants to love intimately
And yet she no longer knows
What to feel
No experience, no expectations
Just a mess of hair
And bedsheets
As she lays alone in the dark

(2/21/17 || 12:24 AM)