i should be sleeping by now
                         yet i'm thinking of you
                                       and what order to put these letters in
                as if maybe i could line them up just so


                   and you’d remember why you loved me

you can't love someone
into loving you
although most of us will try
one must love themself
enough to know
when certain love must die

she doesn't like flowers
at least not as romantic gestures
she'd rather
watch them
grow
blossom
wilt

why are all my words gloomy?
aren’t there moments that are silver?
perhaps it is they pass too quick
mistaken just as grey

Once I sell these tragedies
I'll be rich and sad

You used to make me nervous

      

         But lately my nerves have gone unseen
I don't wonder how you been
So
I
  Never
   Ask
And it's visa versa

sometimes it takes a while to dive back in and swim
when every steps felt like a mile it easy to fall to shins and cringe
but past calendars do nothing save take attention off the walls
had to learn that life keeps running even when you fall

I do not want to die
But I feel that if I stay
My time will come
Sooner than expected
A life unlived
What a tragedy

I stole my fathers smile
He would not give it up without a fight
I do not answer when he calls
I know he'd just ask me for it back

lips like liquor
conversations always wasted

Keep truth bottled up in a pen
It awaits escape
Pensively
Penciling about the day
It will get to show its face

stick around to blah blah blah
lets chit about the chatter
our minds have built this world we serve
though does it really matter
conversations paper thin
they barely break the silence
us all here made to sin
existences great defiance

certain there's no remedy
this sickness knows no cure

I am sick again



but there's no sniffles or no sneezing.

another draft
now sits in purgatory
along with the other
unfinished
uncoiled
undeserving
simply existing where
patience wore thin
and hope
is unwritten

mutiny has run amok
the pen now takes the reigns
striking paperback with fury
ink pours like blood spills out of vain
too many days to count
the poets bidding has been done
capitalize on opportunity
turned page has now begun

It felt like love
I'm almost certain that is was
Still there are those times where almost certain never was
Thinking close only counts with horseshoes and grenades
Guess I should've seen it coming when it blew up in my face

wheres the golden days they spoke about
seem like metallic lies
shiny by the looks of them
still cold to the touch

If eyes could ****
Like lips can lie
I think that I'd be hypnotized

as the pen tattoos the notebook page
bringing permanence to words
curiously i watch it sway
hoping one day to have the nerve
to say what's only written

teeter totter at an altitude
not safe to take a spill
sometimes though i imagine falling off
to see if it is real

If I had one wish

I'd wish you'd never cross my mind again
Not your laughter, lies, or lips

I figure I'd finally feel fine again

cross the hall the people laugh as if it all is well
i watch them stall thru peepholes glass to decipher what is real

"i love you. i love you. i love you."
i kept repeating it
as though
if i could just get you to hear me once
maybe you could find the will to fight back

"i love you brother. please stay safe."
if nothing else please stay safe.
for me.
stay safe.
i love you.



but you could not hear me.

write until I snap the pen
ink floods the card stock paper
borderline embracing                    
the deep blue embracing borderlines
then leaking on the table

Love me now or love me not
Three shots deep and I forgot
The bitterness but saved the thoughts
About how we would tie the knot
Instead with score and stomach tied
You got yours and I got mine

Interesting
                          How I hold so firmly to the times I've been wronged
Yet
                                               Carelessly lose grip of when I was not right

delight wrapped in silk skin
butterscotch dipped kisses
sugar coated lies back and forth
too sweet to know the difference

thought i'd be famous by now
     though i never was exceptional
          thought i'd be better by now
they ask i say i am

i worry
that i worry too much
after all theres likely little i can change
perhaps things would go smoothly if i got out of the way

i worry
that i must worry more
so many beginnings with rotten endings
certainly minding every detail is the only path for recourse

being in love
with you
seems
like
a
bad idea

Despair
Came knocking on my door
So I
Let her in for a while

it was another time
unlike this one
unlike the next

you had me at hello                                           didn’t get to say goodbye
                          the greatest magic trick I’ve ever seen
                    don’t wonder how but why

i am my fathers son
though he wasn’t there to raise me
my sins still echo his
my smile fades just as his did once
i am my fathers son

"FACE YOUR FEARS!" I scream



                                                                                                                        as
                                                                                                                          i
                                                                                                                 cower
                                                                                                                        in
                                                                                                                      the
                                                                                                                corner

tell me anything

                                                                                              just speak to me
             just your voice could make me weak at knees


                               but you stay silent all along

sometimes the words
won't fall in line
disobedient
unruly
others though
they just appear
as if they have always been so

once again i've tied my hands
unable to unbind
sickness twists and tangles
imprisoned by my mind
bound by mistakes echoed
held by my own will
captive and the captor