It's 3:00am again
My head has not yet hit the pillow
I am unable to sleep as of late
Not quite sure why that is
Though my eyes
Plead to shut
My mind zig-zags
Across a thousand thoughts
Most of which include you
Most of which are make believe
Day dreams
That do not end when the sun sets

life is fine
i see it pass
stoic nonetheless
qualifying strands of mind
seams begin to stress
did what i
no going back
sleepless i will rest

another draft
now sits in purgatory
along with the other
unfinished
uncoiled
undeserving
simply existing where
patience wore thin
and hope
is unwritten

as the pen tattoos the notebook page
bringing permanence to words
curiously i watch it sway
hoping one day to have the nerve
to say what's only written

beams of moon shoot down upon
these shoulders tense and knotted
help me heal both soul and body
bring health to what has rotted
knees on pavement i request
let rest find me as i travel
grant me peace as i lay
once i have been unraveled

Keep truth bottled up in a pen
It awaits escape
Pensively
Penciling about the day
It will get to show its face

nothing to live up to
save yourself

we were drinking coffee
i asked how she felt about tea
"i like certainty"
she replied

it’s been cloudy for so long
the rain now brings me comfort
hands reach out for shore
though the water holds me under
lungs still
heart beats through the chest
will there be a day
when i can finally rest

and now i only see you
in my memories and dreams
i know winter months are coldest
but late december really stings
frost bitten
not by weather but by temperature of shoulder
it is over
it is over
it is over

it was another time
unlike this one
unlike the next

being in love
with you
seems
like
a
bad idea

And
Slowly she smiled less
Her stories became shorter
And
I could tell it was the end of ours.

write until I snap the pen
ink floods the card stock paper
borderline embracing                    
the deep blue embracing borderlines
then leaking on the table

Here's the truth.
I lied.
When I said my car broke down
My vehicle was fine
However I very much was not.
I apologize
It was just easier
To say it couldn't drive
Rather than I had no drive.
Much more relatable
Everyones had to replace a part or two
I wish fixing me were so simple

words don't do it justice
no sound vocal chords could make
would portray
the rising
tightness in my chest
the quickened pace of panic
anxiety swells around adams apple

only when it's silent
do the thoughts speak up
perhaps they hide
in boisterous mind
mummering amongst themselves

why are all my words gloomy?
aren’t there moments that are silver?
perhaps it is they pass too quick
mistaken just as grey

i am now lost
though not the way one is
when they take a wrong turn
for at least they were moving with intention

i am lost
in the sense
of having no direction
no destination to step towards
and this troubles me greatly

i am lost and in trouble
not the fun kind
i am not breaking any rules
but i can feel my soul breaking
becoming smaller with each passing day
for it knows i am not where i belong
though knows not
where to go

2am turns the bend
My mind begins the quiet
I lay awake with sober thoughts
That murmur amongst the silence

How am I?

Am I good?

Have I done enough of what I can?

Questions left uncertain
Destine to be ******

sometimes you catch a glimpse of it
the way things used to be
momentarily
wondrous
however fleeting
odd what gives rise to such occasions
if only one could hold it

there they go
though here i am
wishing they were too
setting sail for oceans new
it surely
will be
blue.

tell me anything

                                                                                              just speak to me
             just your voice could make me weak at knees


                               but you stay silent all along

you had me at hello                                           didn’t get to say goodbye
                          the greatest magic trick I’ve ever seen
                    don’t wonder how but why

sometimes the words
won't fall in line
disobedient
unruly
others though
they just appear
as if they have always been so

and i was doing well!
well enough to hide i wasn't
ease concerns of those that learned
fine inside to never mind

Tragic is the list of things
Sadness till it's Dizzying

darkness blankets sunsets
the time has come again
sunrise steals the cover
that time has come and went

Cigarette filled lungs
In hell with a smile
Ash covered fingertips
Might stay for a while

beginning to get drowsy
i can tell by the way my eyes
are begging to get to sleep
like when heartbreak asks for mercy
knowing it won't come

It felt like love
I'm almost certain that is was
Still there are those times where almost certain never was
Thinking close only counts with horseshoes and grenades
Guess I should've seen it coming when it blew up in my face

If I had one wish

I'd wish you'd never cross my mind again
Not your laughter, lies, or lips

I figure I'd finally feel fine again

I don’t wanna die
Though sometimes
I feel like dying
Would
Be
fine
Haven’t felt
fine
In a while

There’s a journal in the cabinet
Right beside my bed
In it filled are pages
Covered in pencil lead
Scribbled are the things I’d never dare to say
Thoughts that have no voice
Dreams that have no place

wheres the golden days they spoke about
seem like metallic lies
shiny by the looks of them
still cold to the touch

i worry
that i worry too much
after all theres likely little i can change
perhaps things would go smoothly if i got out of the way

i worry
that i must worry more
so many beginnings with rotten endings
certainly minding every detail is the only path for recourse

scratch one thousand poems
never worth the ink
words that once were caramel
no longer quite so sweet
memories of us
that have not aged well
now reside
in the starless part of mind only
i do not visit them any longer
i'd imagine they are lonely

Hold my breath til sun sets
Exhaling with the moonrise