and I’m not sad anymore
in fact I cant feel a thing
not from anger
not from kindness
not when instruments sing
emotionally muted
my tender tenderized
terrorized
and then burnt up
put out and then deep fried
I’d become despondent
then drifted out to sea
no longer look for shore
decided to just be

There’s a journal in the cabinet
Right beside my bed
In it filled are pages
Covered in pencil lead
Scribbled are the things I’d never dare to say
Thoughts that have no voice
Dreams that have no place

images in picture frames
shelves to hold them up
wrinkled smiles gloss over
eyes that shout for help
silence
nobody to the rescue
no distant sight of shore
hopeless

hope so
or hope soon
disappointment rounds the corner
photos
of long June
again behind to surface
missteps
misspoken
miss the lips that led
lips the lied
mystified
wish that hope was dead

I stole my fathers smile
He would not give it up without a fight
I do not answer when he calls
I know he'd just ask me for it back

2am turns the bend
My mind begins the quiet
I lay awake with sober thoughts
That murmur amongst the silence

How am I?

Am I good?

Have I done enough of what I can?

Questions left uncertain
Destine to be ******

life is fine
i see it pass
stoic nonetheless
qualifying strands of mind
seams begin to stress
did what i
no going back
sleepless i will rest

"i love you. i love you. i love you."
i kept repeating it
as though
if i could just get you to hear me once
maybe you could find the will to fight back

"i love you brother. please stay safe."
if nothing else please stay safe.
for me.
stay safe.
i love you.



but you could not hear me.

teeter totter
jibber jabber
tangled tongues unwind
pitter patterned
t-shirt tattered
by words once said unkind

it’s been cloudy for so long
the rain now brings me comfort
hands reach out for shore
though the water holds me under
lungs still
heart beats through the chest
will there be a day
when i can finally rest

“run on sentence!”
keep going until you can no longer
then take a few more steps
worry not about the way you read
or if the spelling’s right
the world must know the words you weave
“run on, run on, run on”

Dull pencil scratches notebook page
Regret the air that fills my lungs
Not always though
Not before
Not forever

i am my fathers son
though he wasn’t there to raise me
my sins still echo his
my smile fades just as his did once
i am my fathers son

do i want to die
or **** who i have been
race against myself
time to sink or swim

ants in the room
roaches in the car
bugs crawl on skin
brain hears alarms

And it all is too much
As much as I want me to stay
As much as I want to
As much as I want to

it was another time
unlike this one
unlike the next

I do not want to die
But I feel that if I stay
My time will come
Sooner than expected
A life unlived
What a tragedy

mutiny has run amok
the pen now takes the reigns
striking paperback with fury
ink pours like blood spills out of vain
too many days to count
the poets bidding has been done
capitalize on opportunity
turned page has now begun

certain there's no remedy
this sickness knows no cure

tell myself that i should smile more
but it seems i've tuned me out
think that i have lost my mind a bit
better times are rumors now
a grin of course may cross my lips
a momentary gift
only seconds though of sweet relief
still so far from fixed

stick around to blah blah blah
lets chit about the chatter
our minds have built this world we serve
though does it really matter
conversations paper thin
they barely break the silence
us all here made to sin
existences great defiance

I've been sleeping with the lights on
Dreams do not show until the early morning
And
Sometimes not at all.
Restless.
Yet the days go about without rest
Almost nonchalantly
As if i do not spend my nights
Hoping to catch the eye of a better tomorrow

sometimes
the thoughts
they keep me up
wanting to share
curious about what i think

death is strange
the knowing of never more
how to feel
how not to feel

And
Slowly she smiled less
Her stories became shorter
And
I could tell it was the end of ours.

you can't love someone
into loving you
although most of us will try
one must love themself
enough to know
when certain love must die

sugar i've been sweet to you
why the sour promises?
honey we don't speak at all
how the silence stings

she doesn't like flowers
at least not as romantic gestures
she'd rather
watch them
grow
blossom
wilt

sometimes you catch a glimpse of it
the way things used to be
momentarily
wondrous
however fleeting
odd what gives rise to such occasions
if only one could hold it

the stains will not come out.
though
i have started to like the way
they've begun to fade into the fabric
almost indistinguishable from cloth
as if they were not stains at all

another draft
now sits in purgatory
along with the other
unfinished
uncoiled
undeserving
simply existing where
patience wore thin
and hope
is unwritten

i am not faster than tomorrow
one cannot outrun the calendar
the stopwatch never ceases
hands of time are always at work
once i grasp this certainty
i will move on

once again the words run out
i sit and wait for their return

I've been having nightmares
Dreams that shake me out of sleep
Moonlit hours
Now comprised of open eyes
I lie and fight the bedsheets
Later and later my eyes shut
Until late becomes early
Birds chatter as my head hits the pillow
Still there is no divorce
It seems as though
Sunrise brings no solace

once again i've tied my hands
unable to unbind
sickness twists and tangles
imprisoned by my mind
bound by mistakes echoed
held by my own will
captive and the captor

I vow to never break from writing
Though my writing may take breaks
For when heart shatters
Momentarily wrists do too
Stayed away
Left pages blank
Spent the time just missing you

as the pen tattoos the notebook page
bringing permanence to words
curiously i watch it sway
hoping one day to have the nerve
to say what's only written

but life got too busy
days to months
months to years
all the while
expecting time
to somehow slow down

and i was doing well!
well enough to hide i wasn't
ease concerns of those that learned
fine inside to never mind

scratch one thousand poems
never worth the ink
words that once were caramel
no longer quite so sweet
memories of us
that have not aged well
now reside
in the starless part of mind only
i do not visit them any longer
i'd imagine they are lonely

and i'd of loved for you to need me
but it seems
that's not the case
never needed you to love me
but it seems
we've lost our place
and it's times like these
that i believe
maybe i shouldn't stick my heart out
so far

I wonder
Does the pen look down at ink
And say
"Look what I have written!"

Another patch of melancholy
This one much longer than the last

Here's the truth.
I lied.
When I said my car broke down
My vehicle was fine
However I very much was not.
I apologize
It was just easier
To say it couldn't drive
Rather than I had no drive.
Much more relatable
Everyones had to replace a part or two
I wish fixing me were so simple

The words
Must have had a prior engagement
Something
Much more pressing than being at my fingertips

It's 3:00am again
My head has not yet hit the pillow
I am unable to sleep as of late
Not quite sure why that is
Though my eyes
Plead to shut
My mind zig-zags
Across a thousand thoughts
Most of which include you
Most of which are make believe
Day dreams
That do not end when the sun sets

Just because the tides are rising
Does not mean that I will drown

I need to remind myself of this.

Because there are times I am but ankle deep
And I can feel my lungs filling up with water