it's like the more i try to be "normal"
the further away the goal becomes
i've tried time and time again
to make myself
look pretty and skinny and beautiful
all for you
and when that wasn't enough
i tattooed my skin
with both ink and the scars from a blade
to see if you would like me better
but the ink is now faded
the scars are now pale
and lets be truthful - no one likes
a girl who's disappearing

blink
now you're 5 years old again
waiting for mommy to sing to you and tell you everything will be okay
after scraping your knee on the drive way while running around
until daddy comes home from wherever he is

blink
now you're 10
mommy's leaving for work and you're crying so hard
because you don't want her to leave
you're not used to being around just daddy
because he's never usually home
so you run down the stairs but the doors already closed
and her headlights are pulling out of the driveway
and down the road she goes

blink
now you're 13
mom and dad are fighting again
you close your eyes and scream into your pillow to muffle the noise
but even the whistle from the train down the road
or the whooshing in your ears that sound like waves
from not eating in three days
can't quite the fighting

blink
15
you're eyes are glazed and heavy
and the smoke pouring from your lips tastes funny but
the walls are spinning and though you never liked carnival rides
it feels like one now as you sit on an uneven stool
in your best friends garage
and inhale the burning substance that makes things funny and
helps you forget about the impending argument
that's happening at home

blink
18
white toilet bowls and shaky hands
quickly you flush down the granola you forced down
that morning
before rushing out of the door before
dads new girlfriend could say hi
walking down the hallway
of the old apartment building
the tiles start to move
and its like you smoked that strange plant again
but this time the corners of the hallway are getting dark
and it feels like you've been walking for
f o r e v e r
so you grab the wall next to you
as the floor rushes up and everything goes
*black

snow covers the ground
and hides the footprints you left
when you walked out of our front door without saying
goodbye
and now my hearts shattering
into a million tiny snowflakes floating
around in the sky until it turns into a blizzard
because the more I think of all the fun we had the harder the snow falls
swirling around my head like all the memories we created
just like the snowman in our yard
but eventually the sun came out and he melted
his nose and button eyes falling to the ground as fast as I fell head over heels for you
and now I remember why I love winter
but hate the snow

i hate snow but i love winter
you always told me i was a
walking contradiction
but this time when you left
the snow covers the ground
and hides the footprints laid forgotten
when you walked out of our front door
without saying
goodbye
and now my hearts shattering
into a million tiny snowflakes floating
around the sky until it turns to a blizzard
because the more I think of all the fun we had -
the harder the snow falls
swirling around my head like
all the memories we created
just like the snowman in our yard
but eventually the sun came out and he melted
his nose and button eyes falling to the ground
as fast as I fell head over heels
for you
and now I remember why I love winter
but hate the snow

storm clouds surround my head
and thunder claps in the distance
or is that the beating of my heart?
i sometimes get nature’s wrath and my own confused
when I think of you
so I apologize –
you see when I cry, usually
the sky does too but
maybe it’s because I always told you how I loved
the rain and you would laugh
when I danced in the mud puddles after a storm
but now?
now the ground is dry and cracked and
the rain clouds never come here anymore

and so I waited in the dark wood
the wind howling, making me a nervous wreck as
my patience grew thin.
where was he?
a howl could be heard in the wind
causing my nails to embed themselves
in the bark of the tree behind me

pain*
the look in your eyes told me
that even the worst injury
wouldn't compare to the pain that i gave you

sometimes i look to the clouds for guidance
in hopes that their darkness can help me
but then it rains
and looking up at the clouds isn't so easy
and my hair is wet and make up is ruined so i run
under the tall trees that i used to be afraid of because
monsters lurked inside there
but now as i crawl on the dirt covered ground i
pray pray pray
to a god that's maybe not there
you're right