shovels
too big for delicate iPhone keypads
paws for digging in the dirt
rough stumpy fingers
bloodied with cuts and cracks
calloused through manual labour
working in the winter cold

but sometimes

they can produce beauty
a little light
some magic
to compensate for their ugliness

I tried to close my eyes and walk through life blindly. I often stumbled, fell, cried and got lost. I heard many honest people lie through their teeth. I've felt the rough hands of a hardworking mother and father. I've learned the meaning of patience, hope, charity and sincerity.

When I opened my eyes I asked myself; "Now what have I missed?". I expected to see hardship and disaster. A world run by liars and held entirely on the backs of the innocent, broken and bruised. Yet I forgot my most important lesson. Hope.

It came in the form of the birds singing their mellifluous songs in the trees. A trail of sunshine falling through the fluffy white clouds. The bright and ignorant smiles of the passersby. Yes, the world is ugly. But I have learned to see the beauty in between; I have learned to look.

"you're so beautiful,"
i told him.
he looked away
"i'm not"
he said
"you're one of the most beautiful people i've ever met,"
i said.
"no,
i'm ugly,"
he told me
"i swear, there's something about, that's just
absolutely beautiful."
i promised.
he looked up
angry tears in his eyes
"No. You don't get it. I'm hideous,"
he yelled.
"you're so beautiful to me"
i said softly as he walked away

In this society, the beautiful is more loved                
Accepted,                
Cherished,                
Adored,                
Held so dearly.                
                
Oh how difficult it is to hide                
The unlovely                
and ill favored sight.

I know you wish I was skinny
I can feel it in my bones
The girls you’ve touched were pretty
Trophies you could bring home

I’ll never be ****
Just cute for what I am
My hair is always messy
At least it matches what’s within

I crave to feel desired
I just want to drive you crazy
I know that you’re tired
But I need to be your baby

Love me, kiss me, sink your teeth into my skin
**** me, need me , show me where you’ve been


    Please don’t leave me alone in this bed

I know you love me,
But do you love him?
I know I love you,
But how will this end?

Are you as scared as I am of letting go?
If you want out of this, will you please just tell me so?

I tried to talk to you , and you didn’t even look up.
I made you dinner that you didn’t even touch.

My hands start to shake,
and my eyes swell with tears.
My head starts to spin,
And I relive all my fears.


The trauma living in me, rears it’s head again.
I cower and I crumble, when I hear the yell of a man.

My throat tightens up
I’m afraid of being alone.
I feel as if I’m floating around with no place to call my home.

I wish for a family.
A happily ever after.
I dream of white dresses,
A special day filled with love and laughter.

But it is only wishful thinking.
And I know this to be true.
All that I’ve wanted in life was to find someone like you.

But am I the girl you’ve been searching for?
I really highly doubt it.
The lack of touch and intimacy, you’re practically shouting it.

You’re better on your own.
All I bring here is baggage,
Sticks and stones can break my bones
But my heart will break the fastest.

So tell me the truth will you?
Just lay it down upon me.
I promise I will take the cue
That you indeed don’t really want me.

i counted all the
times you helped
me to see
the uglier angles
of what i
present as myself

i always believed
in the image i
had of you in
my mind.  one
of a goddess
among men - among
apes with smartphones
but , as
i got closer , i
realized that your
face was nothing
like that goddess ,
that you were
just another girl-ape
with a smartphone
trying to be
whatever someone or
something told you
to be

i lost count
i lost faith

you are below
the wind now

delighting in flesh
in dark rooms
that hide your
pain for a few minutes

in love
only in
dreams