tell me to walk right ahead,
and say you'll be right there to take care of me
through all the messy parts of changing and
maybe for a while,
we could grow a little bit older together
unfit lovers that we are,
until my body gets weirder and bolder and
more beautiful than I could've predicted.
and you could fall for me then,
be a little selfish too,
ask me to wait while you're the one walking,
or to follow when the change is in you,
and i would,
i would.

i saved a picture of you in my phone a while back
saw it and got angry
how can you be so pretty? i wondered
thought it was jealousy, for your beauty and your strong shoulders, and the shimmers over your eyes,
now i realize i was probably just gone all along.
a match of attraction and
bitterness, admiration,
and love,
and being too ****** queer about it all.

realized i loved you while i brushed my teeth,
maybe i should tell you
the next time i do.

my mouth will be clean of all the dirt i swallowed
thinking i was guilty of a sin,
for loving you.

life is funny like that, because this time the sin
is only lying, and not
being born as me.

a *** and a ****.
sitting in a tree
brushing their teeth.
i fell in love first,
life is so funny to me.

so what if i died right there,
mouth wide open,
killed by the number of rejections my body has had to suffer through,
mine first and then the rest,
a grief made out of pebbles and rocks and other sharp objects.

what if i gave up, right now,
body crumpled in a knot
of all the hate it has received over the years,
yours first and then
the one i started throwing at it too.

there is only so much time one can save before the ticking of the clock gets too much
to keep walking in dry lands.
show me the ****** water
let me drown in it,
I should be the king of me.

one time i dreamt i was a boy and i haven't really stopped since.
the dream followed me around all day, as if i wasn't meant to live anyway.
dream of mine, can you stop ?
i know that you are beautiful,
i see your truth and your lessons,
the way your hands look like mine but can hold a lot more of the world in them,
i love you, i truly do,
but i am the only one.
dream i dreamt, i beg you to stop,
because maybe i will never reach you,
and that hurts me way more than you do.

the daughter of my mother
sleeps inside my chest.
murmurs in her sleep
"i could do it better, i could be loved for it"

                      my mother loves her daughter.

it's hard, letting her go
my home of many years
no matter how uncomfortable the bed was
how cold the rooms
i lived in her
was loved in her

sometimes i take her out
drag her out of my soul like old laundry
like nostalgia, like a party dress
i slip, quietly, into her skin
wear her face, her family.
she doesn't fit right.

the daughter of my mother
is coated in broken glass on the inside
but as her
i can do it better, i can be loved for it

                      my mother loves her daughter.
.

I don't get how some mothers can say, "I don't care what the gender is as long as it's healthy, I will love them." Before going into labor for 8+ hours and then 17 years later kick their daughter Jessica out of the house because she was born a Justin.

Little me
1st grade me
Sitting on the swing
My best friend beside me
A pinky promise on a playground
A promise now long forgotten
A promise of friendship forevermore
A promise too soon broken

Little me
2nd grade me
Sitting on the slide
No one beside me
No more promises left to be broken

Little Me
4th grade me
Sitting on the swings yet again
This time it was me next to me
But it wasn't me
He leaned over and stuck out his pinky
He said he'd always be here
He'd never leave me

Little Me
5th grade me
Sitting on the swings
His hand in mine
An invisible person
An invisible friend
He has yet to leave
His promise left yet unbroken

Innocent Me
6th grade me
Sitting on the playground wall
Sitting there with him
Hes grey eyes
His short spiky white hair
His soft smile
His sad eyes
They were always sad
My only friend
His promise sits unbroken

Cut me
7th grade me
Sitting alone
A girl moos in my face
I laugh at her
My long hair falling in my face
Hi my name is Dory
She looked at me
I said go away
She sat down anyway
Where he usually sat
But I couldn't find him
His promise now broken in my eyes
I slowly forgot my invisible best friend

New Me
Broken me
8th grade me
Hi I'm the invisible friend
I now realize that he was me
He was who i'm supposed to be
I now know he never left
I now know his promise will be forevermore
He will never break it
I just found out who I was
I found out I was He

Little Me
Innocent Me
Happy me
Not Me
His promise never broken