my heart started beating rapidly
not out of Love but out of fear
distanced myself subconsciously
my mind was anything but clear

read old fun conversations
tried to recreate what’s there
but our friendship lost its foundation
yet we weren’t even aware

those arguments made me nauseous
couldn’t fight back couldn’t even speak
just became more cautious
and continued to feel so weak

suffocated in my own pain
trying to stay by your side
ended up with absolutely no gain
because what we had has died

tired of being stuck in a cage
in desperate need to flee
need to stop the constant rage
so leaving in hopes of being free

You are the siren to my song
Your hypnotic gaze
Is so ethereal
And eternal

I surrender
To your embrace
My mind is twisted
The song guides me
And I’ll follow you
Towards calm ends

You sing the sweet lullaby
Of eternal damnation
It sounds so ******* intoxicating
I need it
I crave it
So badly it hurts
It’s excruciating…

Or maybe that’s the water in my lungs

I wait eagerly for you to return
Though I know your presence is temporary
I still swallow up every morsel of attention I can get
And though I have a fear of needles
I shoot each bit of love you can muster for me into my veins
I beg you silently to stay
With actions I'd never think would exist within me
Each time you go, it's unexpected
And each time, I tremble in your absence
I crave the high you set me on
The feeling of being adored
Of being worth something
Anything

I built myself a garden
I locked myself inside
All the flowers smelled like you
Until they released their pollen
And it clung to my lungs
Mucous lining my throat
Keeping me from breathing
When the blooms became overgrown
The vines creeped up my legs
Wrapping around my waist
And as the thorns hooked themselves beneath my skin
Poison flowing through them into my veins
Like an IV of pain and suffering
They pulled me around that god forsaken garden
Like a marionette of flesh, blood, and reluctant willingness
I remember the bees buzzing your name
Cheerfully at first
And then the droning became painful
Until my ears oozed
And my brain felt as if it would spill out from them
And when it did
It fell into a pile beside me
And it grew into tree
Releasing a new kind of oxygen
That clouded my judgement
I became addicted
I fell in love with being used
I fell in love with being blind
I fell in love with being broken down
I fell in love with the pain.
And when summer ended
And autumn began
The flowers shriveled
And suddenly I could breathe
And the bees returned to their hive to sleep
And suddenly I could hear my own cries for help
And the vines loosened
And the fruit the tree bore fell
And when I took a bite
It seemed to travel to my skull
And replaced the hole where my brain used to be
And
And suddenly I could think.
Suddenly I could understand
This wasn't love.
It isn't love.
So I ripped open my ribcage
And I tore into my heart
And pulled out a key
Covered in sinew and blood and fragments of the bones that grew a shell around it
And I unlocked that ****** gate
That had grown so small
I crawled through
And walked away
But after some time
The garden called to me
And when I returned,
Stupid stupid me,
I was reluctant
But the flowers smelled sweeter
And the bees were singing softly
And tree was in bloom
And the petals gently kissed the grass
And I let myself be consumed once again
But this time I had armed myself
And when the vines extended themselves towards my limbs
And the bees screamed angrily
And the flowers on the tree began to rot and die
I pulled out my weapon
I lit a match with the fire that was started within me
And I threw it into the center of the garden
And I burned that ******* to the ground.

Evening air and dry text replies
It is a cold winter day,
in the midst of July.

Clear and loud silence,
surrounding her steps.
The sudden reflex to deflect.

A random call. A sudden ‘yes’.
Opening door, a familiar face.
Same old, same old.. exhausting exchange.

Dancing hands,  soulless gaze.
Curious hands, hypnotising embrace.
Rushing hands, the usual regret.

Lust overdoses, her soul feels sore.
Another heart rash. Repeat. Regret. Repeat.
emotional hangover,  

             unread morning-after text.

You told me your name
Then played me into your game
You made me think that you loved me
But all you wanted was to **** me
Over
And over
And over again
Which brings me emotional pain
You gave me your hints
You even told me your hints
I decided not to be open-eared
And you because the person I feared

You only liked me because of my body and part of my personality
You just made it seem like you just wanted my speciality
I should've avoided you
I should've cut all connections with you
From you ******* someone
To impregnating and abandoning that someone
I should've known the signs were bad
But I couldn't because you were sad

Everything went downhill after that
I was flat
Dull
Within a bull
I always had to comfort you when you were the one supposed to comfort me
Your hands were leeched onto me
I couldn't get a second without you
Every single second felt like I was forced to talk to you
You always made me so tired
So drained
I couldn't even talk to my friends because of how drained I was
All because,
Of you
I was getting so mentally sick because of you
To the point of getting the rope
Hoping you wouldn't ****
Me in the after life

We were only so young
Your words only stung
I was only eleven
You were thirteen
It was too young to get exposed to mature topics
Too mature topics

I'm glad we don't talk anymore
Now I don't have to suffer anymore
I hope no one else has to suffer because of you
Only because of you

i still jolt awake to the sound of your 3am suicide calls.
all that greets me is silence,
my phone isn't ringing but my ears are.

does it haunt you like it haunts me?
hyperventilating
every time i see a car in your particular shade of grey.
wondering why i can't keep liquor down anymore
or why clementines reek of deception,
or how many more night i will have to spend like this.

when i am with you,
i feel like i am dying,
but when i am not,
i fear you are.

i used to love the way you filled me with panic,
waiting for the next time your blood would be on my hands
and your hands would be creeping their way under my shirt.
not afraid of being alone, but
obsessed with the masochistic way you made me feel
needed.

someone asked me why i didn't leave sooner,
truth is,
i don't think i ever really left.