how many foreigners do you have to let travel across your body
to feel the way you did before he broke you
darling they don't fit inside the holes he left
you know better than to believe this is how you forget
burn the bed sheets he laid on, the only place he ever wanted you
shred apart all of the memories until the pieces are too minuscule for your mind to replay
learn to breathe without his hand in yours
and he will feel it, when your heart stops wanting him
silently remind him you are the best thing he ever lost

and I don’t mean to get so far ahead of myself, because there is so much time for things to fade away rather than fall together
and I have worked so hard to learn to protect my fragile heart
but maybe it’s in the way I thought he was so perfect, so pure
I see you dancing with the devil
but I swear you’re the light for me
and maybe it isn’t so much in the the way someone pretends to be but in the the thoughts they never speak
eyes wide open at 3 am and the music you played on our way home
unravelling you makes my head spin and he’d only say he loved me in the dark

they say that love either means everything or nothing at all
and I was never one for in-betweens
but when I wished to stop needing you so badly my bones cracked when I felt you pulling away
I never meant to stop feeling altogether

I used to trace words against your skin
invisible ink pouring from my fingertips
drunk on the idea of you
as if you were ever more than a troubled boy
making messes of all your past lovers
I’m five months sober and your eyes aren’t my weakness anymore

I am not for everyone and that is okay
but how dare you see a fraction of me and mistake it for the whole
I am not a few raindrops I am a hurricane
a meteorite blinding your eyes- illuminating through the empty night
I am volcanoes aching to erupt & a mystery you could spend the rest of your hours wanting to unravel
black coffee at 5 am, a bittneress you'll get addicted to
I belong to myself- no one's baby and my own hand to hold
the storm inside me will always drown out your whispers
and you will keep searching for the reason why I'm unscathed
your judgement is clouded and I was never one for explanations

I still feel you in my sleep
your morning hair against a pillow
skin like silk rubbing up against mine
tired voices whisper words I didn't think I'd have to hold onto
eyes remain shut, afraid of facing the light of day
but some things are inevitable and I suppose that includes you and I and us together
I knew then that you might've loved me
but that isn't always enough to save us from ourselves and all our chaos
so I let you walk away
I just hope when you find your legs entangled in hers
you wonder about the love we could've made
if you had ever learned to wait for something true
I hope you ******* lips when she climbs onto you
& you remember the way I made you feel without touching you at all

There's all these quotes about how who you love is the person you think of when a certain song plays, or at 4 am when you can't sleep-
or the first person you want to tell good news to
& in a lot of ways I suppose you are that person for me.
but I've come to realize that the worlds sugar-coated version of love is complete *******
it's degrading
it does injustice to the things I would do for you.
I have held onto you until my knuckles bled and then I have tightened my grip.
I have never told you that it is too late
because I could wait a lifetime and still fall at my feet because you would finally choose me.
I think of you every second
I miss you when I breathe- when you are laying beside me.
See, the world's idea of love is pretty.
It doesn't include when you use me up and run me dry and I keep giving.
When I ask you about your day but your clothes are off before I have the chance to tell you about mine.
When you only tell me how much you care when I am laying with my body in front of you
willing to break every promise I have made to myself.
When everyone around me sees that you are destroying me & I feel used
But I would still do anything in the world if you asked me to.
How I am so tired of the way that this feels
but never enough to lose you completely.
But if I never talked to you again I don't think you'd feel any different
And still- I see this beautiful person in you
I see everything I know you could be even though you never would prove it
I look in your eyes and I still want to spend the rest of my life with your hand in mine
You will always be enough for me

our grandchildren are the reward
for not strangling our teenagers

as kids we used to go out in
the cold holding pretzels
between our fingers and pretend
our frozen breath was smoke

(funny how
kids grow up)

we rang in this new year
with a half gallon of last
year's apple cider just turnt
enough to bite and fizz

half glasses of
questionable mango juice
mixed with a stranger's
thick cream ***

and a full season of
mash but after
this year i know
suicide is not painless

(it burns and stings
chokes and screams
leaves friends
crying at five a.m.)

stood on some kitchen steps
cat-scratched hands red
from hot dishwater and icy air
stomping cold feet

(the plan is to get me addicted
for just a couple years while you
*** them off me until i prove
i'm strong enough to quit)

and you held out the zippo
lighter you got for christmas
i handed you a cigarette
and you held it between your
fingers and tapped away the
ashes like richard dawson would

(there's something poetic about
historical self destruction)

it burned my lungs
enough that i coughed
but then again it
felt right

natural
like we had been
practicing for this
new year all our lives.

By: Ramon Carlos T. Castillo (Jack Wilder)

We're in the days of our youth,
It's the perfect time to be alive,
Young and naive in the world of reality's mess,
So come with me and spread your arms wide,
Throw your problems and hang on tight,
We're about to break free and fly,
Going to disappear into the night,
Only being seen on the shades of traffic lights,
No worries, no tomorrow to bother about,
Just now and the both of us,
Gone with the wind fading into the darkness,
Forever, yes we'll be,
Forever, we'll be young.