I was never meant to be clean
Never to wear white
Always tarnished or stained

First it was in green
As I threw my peas to the floor
Then it went to red
As my face welled in anger and let out a wail

Then it was bright green yet again
As grass stains tore their way up my legs
And then red as my face was burned from too many days of sun

It never was anything different
Red and green, red and green
Stop and go
Never stay
Never wait
Go and stop
No slowing down

Maybe that’s why Christmas is so appealing to me
Even with all the empty promises
At least we share a color scheme

I would turn green yet again
As my face churned in jealousy
For those with what I would never have
Never get back
And I would return to red
And red and red and red
Making me go go and go further away
Further from my innocence
My childhood
The red that washed my Mother away
That wiped away my innocence as it ran down my legs for the first time
The same red that spilled from my arm as I shakily held the knife in my hand

I was never to be clean again
Too much red had come in between
With no green in sight
Nothing to keep me moving foreword
Just stopped.
Waiting.
For what, I will never know
Perhaps, for red to mean love
Or passion
And no longer for death and destruction
Anger
Maybe someday
But not today.
Today I’m still stopped. Just waiting for my time.
Forever stained.

No man is as attentive to stoplights as the one who must leave his loved ones.

the red light bores into my eyes
--hypnotizing me--

before bright rays slide through the dust
warming my skin

I see the blue melting with the yellow
to form a vibrant green
that
signals for me


my foot releases
itself
from the brake

my momentum move me
forward
away from
safety

and then I see the headlights
slowly fading to black

everything is silent

death feels like a mother's embrace
Doesn't it?

what was forgotten comes
flashing back
only now

in sepia

I’ve been wanting to talk to you
But I can’t figure out what to say

Because now it’s 1am on October 1st
And I’m spinning around in the t-shirt
You left at my house (it still smells like you).

I’m so dizzy, waiting for my eyes to focus
But when they do, you’re not there.

So I keep spinning and spinning.
Because now it’s night time in this little city
And I’m sitting awake cross-legged on my perfectly made bed
And I’m tapping my thumbs
To the beat of all the songs you used to sing.
And I’m driving down the road
To sit at the stoplights we used to
Last winter when we almost fell in love.

I’ve been wanting to talk to you,
But I can’t figure out what to say.
Maybe,
“Hey, it’s me.
And it’s always been you.”