My days spent with you
Are colored with the softest emotional hue
All in varying shades of blue
Of the sweet sadness that is you
A beautiful face graced with tears of dew
With the fullest lips that trembled when the pain grew
Your raven hair perfectly askew
To much of life's depravity you knew

To peer into those dark brown eyes
To witness their pleading question why
To hear that sorrowful quite sigh
Knowing that was your silent wish to die
Made this icicle heart melt and cry

There was nothing I could hide from your soul search gaze
It left my spirit lighter in so many ways
I no longer had to hide in the suns rays
I was free to dance in your darkening daze

Your beautiful sadness, graced you like pure black snow
Sure as the creek's slow flow
Goodness and love was all you would show

For your wounded soul knew
How misfortune could hunt you down and ensue
Leaving the feeling of happiness taboo
But with beautiful sadness you'd push through
As the universe's arrows struck and flew

You forever changed my vision
Unlocked me from the world's made prison
Loving you was not a choice nor a decision
You essence swept me into blissful submissions

It turned out to be my soul's deepest desire
To see the beauty in the muck and the mire
To accept the pain while in the midst of the fire
To wear sorrow with pride, like the robes of the heavenly choir

You allowed me to see beauty in the darkness
That the pain and agony does not tarnish
The beauty in the darkness remains regardless
If only to the darkness and it's beautiful view you harken

sometimes all the lights seem to bright and everyone seems to be talking too loud
it's like all your lies are painted on the walls in the bedroom
my car is littered with all your empty apologies
sometimes it feels like you're all over me like my bedsheets or other times you're like a ton of bricks on my chest  
I seem to be avoiding empty hallways because it reminds me too much of you
you remind me all too much of unwanted homework
you're like a forgotten assignment, a zero I felt I just didn't deserve
when I was with you it's like a song was on repeat but I would keep missing my favorite part
you remind me of an old letter buried under the bottom of my mattress, just dying to be read
but the lights just seem so bright because now you're not around bringing everyone down

somehow all my poems turned into suicide notes  
sometimes I think death follows me everywhere
it's like the wind blows and surrounds me like a tornado and I'm being thrown in every direction and the wind will not stop until it has destroyed everything, including me
it's like my room is constantly on fire and I'm surrounded by smoke and I'm supposed to stop drop and roll into the grave
it's like your hands are over me and your suffocating me and I can't breathe
it's like a call for help but I'm in a room with deaf people
it's like I'm finally opening up and asking for help but everyone is mute
it's like no one can be sad just poetically sad
I can write on paper that I want to **** myself and people call it poetry
and all my suicide notes are being turned into poetry

My breath goes to you
Not my dying breath, but the
bubbles from this sigh

I think eight is my lucky number
eight lies all within eight months
or maybe eight is my unlucky number
it feels like I've been surrounded by your negativity for eight straight years
being around you was like playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun
if I made one wrong move or said one wrong word it would trigger you to **** us both
I had to tip toe around the sleeping monster for years  
for years I had to fake so many smiles to please you
all your problems were also my problems if you got knocked down the next thing I knew I was right beside you
it seems like I was bleeding more than you it's like I was a bruise that never seemed to fade
one day I knew I was done with these games I knew I had to take control of the gun and wake the monster
it's like I unleashed a herd of buffalos because who knew I wanted to be my own person
you would have thought you were a magician pulling all your tricks on me to try and win me over
you played nice and showered me with empty apologies
then you turned cold and let the ice freeze over your heart
you threw hateful words in my direction trying to hit me with every sharp dagger
you played *****, tossing rocks at my window when all I wanted was a break
you would have thought that I would have broke under all the pressure you put on me over these years
even though it seems I'm free of your deadly habits I sometimes still feel a tight pull in my chest of all your lies your fed to me trying to take over me
never would I think that eight months  later I'm still afraid to turn corners because I think you might be there

We never talk anymore..

i
think
myself
sick,
sometimes.
there are these old memories i have of us;
i swear they're more heartwarming
than any romcom film.
on wednesday you kissed my forehead and
it made me feel wanted, at least for a few seconds.
i want to know why you can cheat on her with me
but you can't leave her for me.
you told me i was enough
yet here i am scrambling to find anything
that can mask the pieces that are missing from me.
i want to be whole for you.
is she whole?
does she know you're not holy?
*******,
i want to make you whole.

anxiety is like my shadow: it's hard to get rid of, especially when it's bright outside.
but you see, just like the brightness, it always comes back.
always lingering. always ******* lingering.
lingering when i talk to people on the phone, lingering when i'm at the store, at a restaurant, at school, at, at home, in my own head.
i can't get rid of the shaking.
i can't get rid of the sobbing late at night because i think something horrendous is going to happen.
i can't get rid of the urge to get out of my own head.
i can't get rid of the constant feeling of worthlessness that has made a permanent home in my brain, in my bones, in my skin.
it's everywhere.
everywhere everywhere everywhere everywhere.
maybe i can get rid of it. maybe maybe maybe maybe maybe.
pills, they say.
therapy, they say.
mental hospital.
pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. pills. therapy. therapy. therapy. therapy. mental hospital mental hospital.
just cope.
just breathe. just breathe. just breathe.
just calm down. just calm the **** down. calm down. calm down. calm the hell down.
please leave. please leave. please leave. please leave. please leave.
please.

My
      thoughts
                 are
distorting
     my
         feelings
someone
              say
                  I'm
        ­              
dreaming..