I tried to heal more consciously this time.

With the well-intentioned thoughts

Of healing myself,

I distracted myself from myself.

This time,

I wanted to feel all my feelings;

I wanted to show up fully.

It wasn’t that I was ignoring the bad stuff;

I dove into it, willingly,

With the intention of

Being all there.



I wanted to be there for myself, but

I ended up cluttering myself with

Everything I wasn’t letting go.

I was letting myself be

In the suffering

With so much intention for

Self-compassion this time,

With so much “loving” focus on

The loss I felt.

I held on to every painful expression.

I held on to so much sadness,

A lot of anger—

Much more than I had planned for, but

Somehow, still

Everything I had planned for.



Things couldn’t flow through me;

They got trapped in me.

I dwelled on grieving with love;

I dwelled in grief.

I relinquished my playfulness.

Exercise was too burdensome, a task.

I felt awkward with friends.

I felt smothered by everything.

My energy was already devoted:

Not enough for what I wanted, for

What I used to love;

No energy to be at peace inside.



Life had to reset.

It feels that way right now.

All of a sudden I know what hope really is.

It’s like this: I remember.

I remembered that I needed to

Finish a chapter

To be free to enjoy the next.

I remembered what it felt like to

Play.

I remembered that I need to get

So weak,

So desperate for a better way,

To surrender and ask for help.



Help comes in like a generous wave,

Altering our sight, so

We suddenly see with clarity

What we’ve been needing all along.

Sometimes we need a wave,

So big, so unmistakably for us,

So that it can’t be ignored.

We need to ask for help:

Seeking new ways;

Whispering a prayer;

Walking with a friend;

We do what we can.

Answers will always be

What we’re given.



I finally asked.

I finally heard an answer.

It was too big to describe in words,

Too all-encompassing to

Condense into a single action.

I think I know why my head has felt

So caged,

My body so tired,

My system so numb from the shocks.

I wanted to be so open to this pain, but

I closed my heart off.

The things I was unintentionally blocking

Were trying to get in.

I was so

Busy,

Busy,

Busy holding on to

Every

Single

Sliver of suffering.

No wonder I couldn’t hear the answer:

Open.

Open.

Open.

. . .

Tell me:

What if they were right?
What if the person I was disappeared in a blink of an eye?
What if she faded out of the blue?
What if she had gone forever?

I expected love without giving it back
I lost the part of mine that nourished my soul the best
I left the world try to define who I had became
And the people around me to live with what I had became

I buried myself in what I thought was to become my new Eden
Ignoring what I was shuttering around me
All the corpses of dead soul I was leaving behind
Losing completely slowly by slowly the true path

Nothing no longer defined me
Except unanswered questions,
unwiped tears,
ungaranteed smiles and
meaningless love.