By the time we met,
I had already kissed 3 boys,
And had my heart broken by one.
I had already given up on love.
I was 16.
When we started dating,
I had only known you for a month,
But you captivated me already.
For 144 weeks, I thought you were mine,
I figured it was for life.
You said it so many times and you’d never lie,
Right?
I had already forgiven you 36 times
By the time you started lying just to see what I’d believe.
The way you cradled me was uncompared to anything,
You convinced me everything else was too rough,
Too scary.
But I didn’t even feel like trying
I had already found true love, after all,
Even if it hurt me.
12 months in out of the 32 we spent together,
You had already broken me 76 times,
Those words still haunt my head,
My bed is empty,
You left me,
Already ready to forget me.
At 17 you said you had already found true love.
Well what the ****?
Wasn’t I done looking for pity already?
Weren’t those things on my arm healed already?
Wasn’t my story over already? You’d heard it already
I shoved my fingers down my throat just to purge up a “sorry”
I never stopped talking and
You’d already asked me to hurry.
Wasn’t I over it already?
But you loved me, I already knew that.
You masked insults with recurring phrases
Thought up already so you were ready to make me sorry about what you said
It was a joke! You already told me not to take it seriously.
Why was I so sensitive?
Wasn’t I over it, already?
I don’t remember when things got bad,
Or ever having the ability to recognize that
Because with you I’d swallowed enough pride to drown myself
From the inside out,
But you were always so forgiving.
I found myself lost,
Apologizing for feelings
You swore I made up but I could not create if I tried.
You said you loved me.
But your tides pulled me by the ankles.
I’d taken swimming lessons already,
But they don’t teach you how to swim when you fall in love with drowning.
So I tried,
To stay afloat in rough waters
I’d already drowned in, over and over again,
I’d tread for show so you could never see,
But I’m drowning again,
Already.
Already? You moved on,
In 19 days, for 3 years that are already gone.
Already, you filled the void we created ourselves,
With white noise because how the hell
Could you make the choice
To replace me for good already?
In the years you spent convincing me to stay afloat,
You made sure I knew I needed you to do so.
I can’t bring myself to throw out your old clothes,
The ones that have piled up 3 feet
In 19 days
Already.
I sat and counted the ways you made me want to die on my hands,
And I tried to justify that by balancing it with the times you made me feel alive,
But I stopped because 6 months in out of 32,
I’d already used all 10 fingers.
Tell me if you do the same for her.
Already, you are happy
And smiling again
You float above waters
I’m drowning in
But man, am I happy
You’re ready to begin again.
Already?
With someone else
As I struggle to heal myself,
Losing color as I stop myself from begging for your help
You’d throw me a line
If you got praise for it,
Or pull me in just to have me in your reach again.
I know I need to do it already,
Everyone on shore assures me
I deserve more.
But I’m still short of breath.
Look at you though,
Already free and happy.
Already?
You are shaping waves, ruthless,
Crashing tides to keep your name
The one I remember when I say in vain
I’d already found true love at 16
