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aesthenne May 2024
in the name
of god
i was
demonized.

i bled tears
from lashes
of the
outrage of
my mother
who recited
verses
when i was
buttered.

my cries
echoed
in the
hollow walls
of my
father's
beating heart
as he
uttered
blasphemous
monologue.

it was not
sin
i was
absolved of,
but rather
of love
that i
desperately
needed.
Remember that night.
November 18, 2019.
Lyrical Dream Dec 2023
I never felt loved. I remind myself it’s not because I wasn’t lovable, but because I was made to hate everyone who loved me and loathe everything I’ve ever loved. You had to purge me of love to assure you were its only source.

I looked for love in a golden page— learned quickly what it was to feel imprisoned by flesh-– learned quickly I’m meant to feel so tightly wound it’s as if  barbed wire snakes  my skin. I’ve yet to come undone. The serpent is starved for its prey and I let it swallow me whole.
I know I was born to listen— born to obey. The word “yes” was burned on my tongue from the moment I could speak it, recited like a scripture, scorched into my subconscious by a “saint’s” shallow sermon.

Love was never patient, nor was she kind. Love struck without warning. She consumed me whole as the serpent does and spit me out when she was full. To this day, I starve.

Love was pompous. I was nothing but she was the world. No pride of God could measure to that of the saint who loved me.

Love dishonored me with every slice from her tongue. Love was selfish. Love was rageful. She shattered with the lightest touch. She was wicked— a liar. She claimed to keep me safe but my fear of hell was nothing compared to my fear of her. I was the only thing love hated more than herself.

Love recited my wrongs more than my name.

Love says I’m a liar. She says I am cursed like her. Deep down, I think it’s true. Love was fruit grown from a poison vine. Deep down I know there’s cancer at my roots. Deep down I know I rot.

Love only wants me when I’m small. When I’m afraid. When I’m alone. When I’m malleable. Love loves me when she is the only thing I have to love.

The love I know is violent. She is brutal and unforgiving. Love killed me with her first touch.
Kitt Sep 2023
Purify through fire and fury
Scourge away imperfections
But in doing so, sear away the layers of myself
That I never knew I would miss
Until now, with raw baby flesh left
Pink, bubbling burns.

Sit down, little fool;
These words are not meant for you
Your little ears are too soft and sensitive
For such a scalding reality.
Kitt Sep 2023
I found healing there
It's like He was speaking to me in my Walk
‘Chew your gum, girl,
For the smells they pump through the pipes is meant to tempt you.
Lascivious meats and unholy spices’
So redeem yourself when you stray
Gosh, heck it all and **** it
But under God, Hell awaits the ******.
‘I am covered by the blood of the lamb
So I shall be saved’
Same chapter, different verse
I am ****** all the same.
lilly grace Mar 2023
i watch birds fly every day
i watch cars drive every day
i watch planes soar through the sky every day

i watch people falling through the ground every day
a few times a week i see children morph into nightmares
a few times a month i see my friends walk through walls
every so often i can smell a church burning down somewhere

every once in a while everything goes quiet
all the colors around me shift either 4 shades darker or 2 shades lighter
lighter
i want to be lighter
i want to be able to lift off the ground just like the birds

i want to be so light that i can slither through molecules
as thin as a paper

i want to walk through walls
i want to morph into something scarier than my nightmares
i want to remember what it feels like to not be scared of falling through the floor

i want to burn down a church

and then cry and beg for forgiveness at the feet of the lord

i had to, i'm sorry.
it was the only way to feel like he's truly gone.

i want to be high on the feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs.
but i can't find anything that raises me up enough to feel that.
diphenhydramine morphs children into nightmares.
dextromethorphan makes people fall through the ground and walk through walls
the devil himself makes me remember the smell of a
church
        burning
                 down
but i've never seen a church burn down

perhaps it's just my mind manifesting my thoughts into physical sensations
Dresden Feb 2023
religious trauma
indoctrination
poisonous pedagogy
spiritual manipulation
emotional exhaustion
submission
possession
religious duality
child abuse
psychological distress
isolation
grief
recovery
ambivalance
self-actualization
­self-soothing
safety
trust
autonomy
freedom
25 years of control. 1 year of freedom. So many more terms to learn.
chasing rain Dec 2022
if i exposed myself,
every feeling,
every thought,
every miniscule detail
that forms my body,
my brain,
my identity—

i would be dead to you.

(thankfully, though,
i’ve gotten the memo early.)

it’s obvious now,
you never wanted a child.

you wanted a robot, ready to reprogram.
a servant, to do your bidding.
a doll, to dress up the way you want.

you wanted perfection,
not a child.

you wanted perfection,
not me.

you are not my god,
and i will never be made in your image.
—and i know you will never accept me
Kayla Burke Oct 2022
I am Sin
In its purest and rawest form.
& for that, I have no shame
as fire in the bible resembles
purification.
I...
repent.

And so
as this fire
burns between my legs
flickering images of your full, yet delicate figure
cross my mind.

I turn into myself
& wish me anew.
my fingers cupping and twirling
so gracefully...
caressing...
as I scream my confessions

I'm born again.
Breaking free of religious constraint. Indulging in pleasure is natural & when wanted, a beautiful thing.
lilly grace Jul 2022
i lay in my bed typing this with one hand on my brand new laptop

i think it's getting bad again

i'm moving out in 19 days for college

i can't get the memories to leave me alone

my dad was the one who bought me this laptop as a gift for college

i can still feel the touches of the man who couldn't keep his hands
off of me
i will never be the same

my parents pay for EMDR therapy
it's expensive
it's not covered by insurance
i feel guilty

i feel like i ruined this family dynamic
we don't go to church anymore
church is where the man worked
church was where i suffered
the cold brick wall all the way at the back of the building
behind the pews
everyone's backs to me
as i stood in silence while
he ruined me

it's time to go to bed
maybe i'll feel better tomorrow
sorry this one is kinda dark
aye Mar 2022
he swore to me he was a man of god
a man of god who performed the ungodly
he had a rosary wrapped around his arm
pearl white beads strung around his protruding veins
the crucifix dangled between his thumb and index finger
the same thumb caressing my bud
the same index finger soon to pluck out the petals of my flower
i, starved, took a bite of the apple.

as we shared the fruit in a forbidden kiss
i thought to myself:
“did jesus die for this?”
(c) ayesha. h [2022]
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