You always told me
"you look so pretty when you cry, my love..."

I used to be flattered, batting my wet eyelashes, my glazed-over eyes, fully captivated by the sight of...you.

but now I realize
you're just a sadist
& I'm just a *******...
the lamb to your slaughter.

& so my nightly routine begins...

1.) I turn on my unreleased Lana Del Rey mixtape
2.) light my last cigarette
3.) turn off the lights
4.) crawl into my unmade bed
5.) cuddle up to my favorite stuffed animal
6.) and I begin to cry

7.) then finally... sleep comes for me.
8.) & the nightmares begin.

You said forever never lasts
I should have believed you when you told me that
Old love songs fill my journals, ripped pages

eternal, heartfelt, inferno

I hope you burn just like me
I wish you never feel a sense of relief
I pray you never catch a moment of peace
Until you see... You're just like me <3

A hole in my chest where your head used to lay
you've stolen my heart, & you've watched me decay
I haven't heard it beat since that
one...
fateful...
day.

I feel as if I can't breathe.
My breath, my life, my essence
you've taken from me.

I am Sin
In its purest and rawest form.
& for that, I have no shame
as fire in the bible resembles
purification.
I...
repent.

And so
as this fire
burns between my legs
flickering images of your full, yet delicate figure
cross my mind.

I turn into myself
& wish me anew.
my fingers cupping and twirling
so gracefully...
caressing...
as I scream my confessions

I'm born again.

i’d write you poems
& i’d braid your hair
i’d feed you cherries
& i’d kiss you where—
your insecurities lie
the ones i quietly despise.
as i find the most beauty
in you.
my lily.
the apple of my eye.

i lie in my sweat, my sheets stained with my regrets.

regressing back to my inner child, what was once taken from me; i wasn’t ready to give up yet.

you project, as you ask. “do you enjoy my company for more than ***?”

a seemingly preposterous question. as you know i have so much love for you, but those feelings i’ll protect.  

i’m left alone, and cold, wrapped in this regret-filled sheet of sweat.. i comfort you… in the exact ways i need for myself but those simple words.. tucked away on the shelf, labeled ‘things he’d rather i keep to myself’

you fear yourself, & the dark desires that you hide. your true intentions, to the surface they rise.

as i lie in my sweat, my sheets stained with my tears & my regrets.

the bruises and claw marks that engrave my thighs, i once deemed so beautiful. now make me want to die.

you’ve not had love for me.. in very a long time.

i ought to move on, i think it’s time.