i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

i guess it was sort of ironic as it's a place where people to go to be treated that they couldn't properly take care of a plant. it may not have been their fault, but it was odd to see shriveled up leaves on top of the *** full of dirt, and a bamboo stick pointing up to give direction to what was no longer there. the *** itself was colorful, adorned in hues of red and blue to give hints toward the life that was once there, and maybe that's what i do for myself. i adorn myself in hues of purple, green, blue to imply a liveliness that i no longer feel deep within. to cover up an emptiness that once held some form of life, some form of happiness and innocence. it's not like i've had it hard, i mean, things haven't been absolutely bright and sunny but i haven't experienced great loss but somehow i have lost myself. it's an odd feeling, because i know i will be okay and that everything will turn out just fine but i can't believe that in my heart and i just can't feel okay. and maybe that's fine. it's healthier to express an emotion than to cover it up and hide it, because it will build upon itself until you can no longer withstand the weight and oh, god, i know how it feels to tremble and crumble underneath the weight of unfelt emotions.

but is this better?

i look to extremes to cure the numbness in my chest and i can't care if it's good for me or not.

You drained me out of words
when you show me your world
fantasy full of lies
beneath the dark dark skies.

I was speechless,
motionless,
witless, powerless
to act on impulse
no less.

The culmination of our meeting
lead me into thinking
I am no scatter-brain
to be used for your pain.

Yet something told me
ominous as a dark cloud can be
you are not who you are
a dream, you so callously portrayed to me.

You are a wolf you say
howling, hunting for a prey
in my dreamless sleep you came
bare of everything;
armed with burning desire to fullfil the beast that you became.

You touched me like hell
I was like a wrecking belle
repulsing every movement you take
stopping every attempt you make.

Go away, don't disturb me and my peaceful sleep
go back to God-knows where you came so deep
don' t drag me to your so- called world, sicko-wacko
You're a man not a wolf you know.

Swallow your own thirst
engulf by your own dark mist
drown in your own sorrow
because now I blocked you
to leave me in peace and a better tomorrow.

I need the money
but I am not a slave to a master.
In this capitalist world were thriving
needs the illusion of paper worth,
were the jungle has segregated itself
between social life or work,
living or spending
where we follow the bell and expect
a lunch break,
where paying for a life I had no say in
is the law
and we are seen as robots to a mechanism.

A working class in which I am but a replaceable
machine gone awry over years of misuse
and
my life is compiled over minimum wage for
paychecks
where times is anything but gold.
A society in which working for retirement is
somehow starting early,
where youth is wasted and rusted by gears of a watch.

Call me a starving artist because-
the art of my life is but the aesthetics of my mind,
because I won't invest my time for the ownership of your profit,
because living is not experiencing the wonders of
a world in where success is equivalent to currency.

Call me human because I am,
free and spending my life but not to mere pennies of your system.

Every time I think of you,
I think, "What a ****."
And then as I think
I can't exactly think of anything specific
that made you a ****,
not something you did,
not really,
and my mind, for a second,
defends you.

But then it all comes back.
The hurtful words.
The all-caps that would have been
shouting.
The exasperation you treated me with
when I just wanted
a hug.

We were so lonely
but we were not alone
and it made it worse
that we were not together.

Crowds are more than I ever thought
they would be.
It hurts remembering things you said
about me
about us
about how we were lying to ourselves
from the beginning
and that what had seemed so pure and beautiful
was soiled and ruined.

Nothing was physically wrong.
We broke no laws.
But I gave you my heart
more than I should have
and no contract kept you from throwing it
away.
It stings when I recall it.

So whoever you catch in your net,
whoever you drag down the hallways
of your house,
I hope they give you more than you bargained for
I hope you feel the hurt I felt
that you never sensed
because you were over me before I even knew we were over
I hope the next girl you meet doesn't need you
like I did
like I still feel like I do.

I hope you know that you are dangerous
and that you need to be careful
because you're a bomb
that looks so harmless
you're poison
that looks like fruit
you're the death that no one should ever have to feel
when they're alive

You're not what any longing girl needs.
So be careful.
Guard your heart.
Or you'll wish you'd learned the first time
when I find out
what you've done.

I will leave you alone
because my only words to you are bitter
from long hours spent in regret
bitter from days spent in depression
bitter from months of wishing you weren't there
that you were someone else
in someone else's life
and that I'd never known you.

But I never would have learned so many valuable lessons
that I've learned such a hard way.

"Leave Me Alone" is about the most-used phrase in my head
these days.
I sing it when I am alone
I whisper it under my breath as I walk from one crowded room to the next
I mutter it as I sink into my seat
So.
Leave me alone.
You've done your damage
you don't want to stick around to see how much you've messed me up
so don't.

Just go.

You're better off anywhere else
besides listening to me
rambling here
about things you will never read
and feelings I will never share
with you.


*We are worse than strangers, for we shall never be friends.