I love you
                  Ok
I love you
                  Okay
Say it back
                    No
I love you
                  No you don’t

It was not my first time drunk, not even close
but it was the first time that the floor span as a child's spinning top
and faces swam in my too-dark-too-bright-toomuch vision.
It was the first time I lost my footing and my back crashed into the wall sliding down until my knees hit my heaving chest and my palms pressed white against kitchen tile.
It was my first time crying into the shoulder of a boy I don't know, ripping my apple-bruised heart out of my retching throat and pushing it into his ***** numbed hands.

(after that my memories become manufactured by the later retellings of others)

something about the roof shingles being cold against my back but the stars being warmer than my smile ever was. Something about a phone call to a girl I once loved apologising over and overandover for falling for another. Something about a text at 1am that had my cheeks blushing and my stomach clenching convulsively around Gin and Guilt.  

(something more a little something more to drink)

Later, the boy who clumsily cradled my heart and my head in his lap, will tell me that I smiled at him through tingling teeth and told him that I would rather die than wake up in the morning.

I know you're busy trying to find yourself
Through nicotine and diet pills
I was just curious and thinking
Do you ever stop to wonder
If it's enough to just be the you that you are?
Do you ever stop to consider
If it's worth losing the you that's already there?

So call me when you get back
From the hell you're putting yourself through
When you choose me over all the worthless addictions you destroy yourself with
Call me when you get back
From all the nightmares you've made come true

Tell me who's been by your side
Through all of what life has thrown at you?
Can your cigarettes wipe away your tears?
Do those drugs make you feel so pretty
That you don't even need me?
You say that it's none of my concern
That just sounds like an excuse
What you need is a hard knock back into reality

Do you believe I will just ignore
All the brand new cuts, bruises, and burns?
Do you think I'll sit still while you tear yourself down?
I know you lie when you say you need to save yourself your way
Doing things your way looks like a hazard sign to me

I'm scared of what you have become
I'm scared of what you will do to yourself
I feel like I can't take my eyes off of you
Or you'll just disappear
I’m so mad at you for making me be so disappointed
In the person who I looked up to the most
Without any regard for those who love you
Choosing ephemeral means of feeling over the shoulders that we offer

Call me when you wake up tell me why you're upset
I want to be there for you
You know that I am someone you can come to
Call me when you need me
I promise I'll pick up immediately
Know that I know that you are scared
So call me when you're ready
I promise I'll be there

accident
TV
white SUV

phone call
shaky hands
voicemail
call again...

ring ring
hey, what’s up?
nothing...
nothing much...

After getting off the phone with you,
I sit in the bathtub to make sense of the feeling that i'm drowning.
I blame it on the water, my soul isn't heavy it's the soapy water encasing my body.
It's time to be honest.
I don't pick up the phone because i'm scared of the repercussion.
I'm scared to feel myself sink back into a shell that I threw away a year ago with the memory of the pain.
But you know me, I don't throw anything away, I tuck it into a dark corner and say "maybe i'll need it again."
I don't talk a lot because thoughts of I miss you, come home, you made me so sad, you made me so happy, you made me ME, keep running through my head that an unmeaningful conversation about what's on TV doesn't flow.
No, I don't remember anything from when we were young i've hidden it from myself, but yes i'll tell you I remember just so you can tell the story because I know it makes you feel something.
Yes, i'm just as numb as you are and I know you didn't ask, but everytime you say you're just tired I want to say "me too."
Tired of fighting, tired of displaying feelings, tired of hanging myself out to dry after the flood has passed.
So now, I sit in my bathtub moving the water with my feet, remembering doing the same in the river water last time you made me feel pain.
a.n.F

that night that you told me you felt so alone
i called you, and we talked for hours.
we poured our feelings out to each other
like we used to on those nights when we hadn’t seen each other
in a while
and we just felt lonely.

you told me you felt so alone
and it made me feel relieved
because, you know,
i feel pretty alone, too.

and it made me feel relieved because
i thought maybe now,
even though we were still technically alone,
we could be alone together.
together, alone?
maybe just less alone?
whatever it is...

i just thought, you know,
why do this to ourselves?
why do you like doing this to yourself?
why do you like doing this to me?
i don’t like doing this to us, you know?

you said you still cared.
and, maybe you do,
i don’t doubt that maybe deep down, you’re telling the truth,
and its not all *******.
but i also don’t doubt that you don’t love me anymore.

because maybe you care,
but you don’t love me anymore
to care enough, you know?

you don’t love me anymore
to tell me to stay, this time.
is there a this time?
is that what this is?
are we just falling back into this poisonous cycle?
is it poisonous?
because all of the hurt i’m feeling right now
is not from when we were still together,
it’s all from afterwards.
doesn’t that mean anything?
that the only reason
i feel so empty
is because i’m not with you anymore?
the only reason
we feel so alone
is because we don’t have each other?

that night you told me you felt so alone
i called you, and we talked for hours
and i told you this:
that even though this phone call is so sad,
this is the happiest i’ve been in weeks.
and that was true,
i felt happy because finally,
i was, once again, talking to you.