I’d be lying to myself
if I ever thought
that this feeling
ever went away
it’s always rooted
deep inside of me
yes,
the feeling of
wanting to die,
it’s always there
because no matter
how many pills I take
It’ll always be here
rooted in my heart
a perpetual feeling
that’s too unusual
for me to be feeling

the pain that I feel
is unbearable
not the sickness pain
but the pain within
not one thing
but all things together
my heart hurts
my head hurts
everything hurts
all the time
it truly never stops
sometimes I forget it's there
but other times
it's the only thing I feel
and when it's
the only thing I feel
it makes me
not want to
exist anymore

today is my birthday.
the day i was born.
the day my faith was just started.

today,
i got a new number.
i got a plus one for my age.
nothing different.
it's just an ordinary day like usual.
but at the start of the day, i got surprises from my beloved people.

i am so grateful, for everything, today (and the other days).

i spent my time with my person & had much fun.

but you know what,
once i entered my room, the feelings changed.
i put my things to its own place,
i changed my clothes, the feelings got worse.

i laid my body on the bed,

and BAM

my tears broke.
it just broke

my feelings reduced me to tears with its own "things"

one thing..
i don't usually feel blue on my bday
but today,

i can't even validate my feelings.
everything just messed up the moment i laid my body, or should i keep walking?
is it my fault to gave my body a rest?
i shouldn't be stop, right?
the head keep talking.

and my heart sinks.

My last name-
Because it is tied to people
Much greater than me &
That I refuse to let any man
Try to take it away from me.

My grey eyes
That no one will
Ever convince me are blue.

The fact that I somehow
Managed to walk away
From you.

That it's my number
That'll forever be
his emergency contact;
Even though I missed
The most important emergency.

That I AM good at math,
God ******.

That I write poems
About someone who
Isn't even real but
I know that you're here,
Right now,
Telling yourself
That this is about you.

i aint afraid of nothing
   but myself
myself is all there is

i can see me sometimes clearly
   but mostly
cloud of doubt

called the ghosts of heaven
   to fill me
with all blessings

sometimes see the the devil
   in a fog
of make believe

myself is all there is

He who doesn't know me is myself.

How characters from thousands of movies lived within me, made me think I am them.

And I am all of them now.

And we dont fit on the door now.

But we can still filter the world through the curtains.

I was greeted by
unearthly
midnight
or stellar light

I'm hypnotized by
the evening clouds

I espy
the busy
passers-by
or the silly
vagabonds

The round
earth doesn't pause
Proxima Centauri
doesn't pause
Ursa Major
doesn't pause

Colours change
The game
continues

I close my
eyes
This is how I can perceive
the sound
of silence
This is how I meet myself
I'm neither
a nihilist
nor
a hedonist
I'm simply
a monotheist

A gust
of wind blusters
My gossamer
scarf flutters

I open my inquisitive
eyes
I discover the mysterious
scene