there was a lot that
you left behind on that
dreaded day

i don't really recall
being truly sad when
you passed

but i recall 18 years
of mental rehab and
5 years of on going
drug addiction
i replaced you with

my fuse remains
short and i remain
happy within chaos
that's all i remember
when you left

i know, i know
i know im getting
better without you
but mom and i's
relationship remains
dangling from the
warpath you created
between your 3 kids

i just have a lot
of questions ill never
have answered. i don't
think i miss you, though.
i just wish you could've
fixed the bridges you
destroyed before you
left.

I feel like a tourist in my own life
Standing idle and watching things go by
Never gaining the courage needed to participate

It's amazing watching skin heal and realizing you haven't.

Benzo, blur my mornings and bury my feelings.
Beat down my misery and banish my ecstasy.
Steal my sweetness and turn my stillness sour.
Spit out a new me, and the old me, devour.
You stick in my throat like a longing to say
something I had too soon, too easily forgotten.
Trapped and helpless at the tip of my tongue
is each little thought and each one turns rotten.
Now all my worries wash grey and bore me asleep,
as time stops his march and slows to a creep
that claws through my head, and the worries unsaid
are left to fester in a foul and filthy old heap.  
Though they may reek like flesh on a dying fire,
I could take them or leave them just where they are.
I have no heat, no bold and burning desire
to do anything but nothing, and, so, to nothing I retire.  
Leave me be beeping alarm that screams like a maniac
so desperate to jump to his next brewing thought.
Leave me be roaring traffic, so equally manic,
leave me here in my head to lose this loose plot.

Do not let them in,
sometimes insanity is
all I have of you.

There is so much screaming, a
mess of self-deceit flashing colours
around blinking eyes; we try always
not to let the light in.

Please, the night has fallen and
I cannot stop myself, these thoughts
of mine rise and plunder internal,
ripping pieces of machinery into
new formations, weapons

you smile at me and I take it as
an affront, you stay away and I
scream (please) I do not need you,
(please) I am only myself.

They sharpen inside and force their
way out, blood lying on my tongue
so I disgorge foul words and this
much maligned vanity.

Is it time to run you through the mangle
with me? We can flounder without falling,
but no purchase can be found for
our wandering feet.

No, I push you away and pull
myself asunder, but you do not
leave until I put the knife
to your neck.

i'll spend my night lying awake staring
at the ceiling waiting for him to message me
but he never does, i knew this anyway
i knew he wouldn't
eventually, after hours of crying and turning
and bleeding, i'll tire myself out and my eyes will close
and, due to my luck, he'll message five minutes later
but he wont reply when i reply
he won't talk after that
he'll tell me he loves me sometimes
just to try and stop me crying
but it doesnt stop me crying
lies do not comfort me anymore
lies do not dry my cheeks
but i'll eat them like my last meal
and then he'll disappear
and i'll leave it until he messages again
and i'll cry and i'll bleed and i'll punch myself
and i'll ignore everything good in the world
because he refuses to experience it with me
he doesn't want to experience it with me
because i am not good. i am worthless
and he knows it
and they know it
and i know it
and i'll imagine myself being ice like i was before
but somehow his embers have burned through me and it's too heated for me to
freeze over again
and i'll lay awake at night waiting for him to message me
but he won't
he doesn't
i knew he wouldn't, i didn't expect anything else
and he'll tell me he loves me
and i'll eat his lies like my last meal
desperately trying to find some form of solace
but i don't
they taste sour
i look at him like he is a diamond
and he looks at me like i am a pebble
and i am so filled with anger
so much fire, i'm not used to fire
i want to be cold again so it will stop hurting
but it won't. it's too hot here
i'll lay awake at night staring at the ceiling trying to figure out how i can become good enough
or even just enough
but it won't work
and i'll cry and bleed
i want him out of my veins

you are fragile
and the boy in the year above you calls you fat
and the girl in the row behind says you look like a rat
and you sit and think about it for a few minutes
minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days
and soon you've lost track of the last time you ate
and soon you've become obsessed with your weight
you forgot what colour your skin used to be
because your arms are covered in red lines
and you cry all the time

you are fragile
and the girl in the hospital bed groans
she is short and she is thin,
skin and bones
this girl is you
and there is only one thing you need to do
but again, all you can do is cry
all you hear the doctor do is sigh
you hear the boy in the year above has died
drunk with a car, an upsetting fate
and the girl in the row behinds period is late
when was the last time you ate?

you are fragile
and the man in the street smiles
he stares for a while
he soaks up any sadness
laughs at your jokes
you are happy -
madness
you remember what colour your skin was
and the last time you ate
because he has fixed you

*you are not fragile

stop pretending no one loves you
stop pretending no one cares about you
you care
if you didn't care you wouldn't wake up
you wouldn't give your lungs the oxygen they need
give yourself credit
you are the one who throws the blades out of the window
and listens to your head and your thoughts
you are the one who deals with your pain
and manages to drag you out of bed for a shower
every so often
you are the one who goes into recovery
because you want to live
no one else stays up to the late hours drying your tears
and listening to every deep breath and sob

and you long for someone to
although you already have someone


you are enough