It's a fascinating experience indeed
To know you're unbalanced
To know there's something wrong
To be really very confident
and to have red flags waving
But people are easily fooled
So you enjoy your high
Knowing you should listen to your therapist
Knowing she's absolutely right to worry
Knowing you'll disregard every one of her warnings
Knowing you'll lie over and over again
Because you want to be free
From the ******* of the pills
You just have to know
If they're what's ****** you up

I find myself in an uneasy stupor, amix of stress and reality.
It seems that no freedom from medication can change the bleakness of reality.
Whereas before I was beholder of every dream, now I live in my own dream-like state.
As though my mind is always at sea.
Like a moat my eye is, from which my feet cannot carry me.
Dependent on the clarity of others.
My eyes beget no sharpness.
As one half-asleep my tale unfolds.
I live halfway in bed and halfway outside it.
No one to save me from this reality.
My daydream journeys are as real as my wakefulness inasmuch as they both carry my soul away.
My right eye cannnot be open
My left eye cannnot be closed.
Every thought takes me to a place.
Every though takes me from here.
No word can be spoken from one place, but is spoken from half here half there.
My inner eye can rarely meet my outer one.
I can't fully get out of my sleep.

Oh, sweet boy.

Why did you only love her
when she was medicated?

Was it her that you loved -
or the pills that she swallowed?

I'm not afriaid to die, I don't necessarily wanna be alive
I used to think I could never take my life and leave my family hanging, but I can't help this pain from my heart aching
One day it'll be alright that's what I keep hearing, but they ain't there when my mind is goin crazy
I didn't ask for this but if you did I'd say its ******* *******

Speeding through traffic, thinking to myself I want to let go of the wheel
My thoughts are suicidal, my manic mind is my one true rival
I didn't grow up with the best role models, hold up gimme a sec, I gotta finish this bottle
Faded as **** to numb my mind, with every sip I unwind
Blurred vision, slurred words, that's my negative grind
Turn around look up and feel the vibes, starry skies are my favorite nights.

Mary Jane and Tina ease the daily pain, but I also love smokin c
It puts so much strain on my body, and thoughts on my mind that're draining me
Thank the higher power or whatever the ***** out there for my family
The love they have for me helps me spiritually and emotionally
I'm talking about my mom mostly, she's my person

I appreciate it, through all the conflict
There's no resist when I need somethin
I can always count on her, I know I can get overwhelmed in this realm we call life
But that's when I grab my pipe and break a bud off the stem, smoke it, become myself again
I'm not stuck anymore, I'm free to be me  
I've dreamt of this reality because my childhood felt like an eternity
It's gonna be alright cuz the people all around got me
All this anxiety and in constant panic mode,
Some days you just gotta breathe and get through, just do you
No counting the seconds or minutes, stay present within your surroundings even if you feel like you're drowning
Deep breathing to know that you are okay, and that your soul is at peace for the day
My feet standing their ground, I'll make it sound with each step
Just let me do me, just let me breathe.

Call me a medicine man,
and yeah, I'll be there for you sure,
dedicated to you only,
to help the one without a cure.

    Once I step inside your heart
    you'll begin to doze off,

and those shaky hands will be soothed
while letting your head rock to and fro; can't be helped.
You'd be my tiny little sleepyhead
holding that little dose in your palm

    and you'll soon wander off
    deep into the neverland of your own version,

forgetful of human senses:
the striking smell, the taste to savour,
the sound the music that is ever whimsical,
the bright light and the dim dark.

And I reckon you already like it
all surrounded by the forgetfulness
—the numbing sensations nullifying your will to rise,
and the pleasure finds shelter within you.

    Then in your dream
    you start to want me more,

    not knowing the impending consequences
    of forgetting all about yourself,

of drowning
further into the river
that we all call the sorrow,
and of falling faster and farther

until you know nowhere to return.
I call out "Wakey-wakey," then,
prying open your eyes and every doors
that'll lead you outside with haste

—the light shines upon your pupils
still drowned in tears,
bewildered, with your legs wobbling.
Yet you're no longer my sleepyhead anyway,

    so walk on, off with you,
    carry on with your stiff legs

    —though you pretty much look like
    you'll need a stick just to stand upright -

    and do come see me
    if you ever need me again.

I've noticed a pattern with you.

You seem to care for me,
but hate buying me the
medication I need

You roll your eyes
or shout at me for
finishing them
like they are candy,
addicting

Maybe pick a side
Please, it's getting really confusing

Two nights ago

You asked me to take
every two days
to 'get me used to it'

I told you that I
might need them
You disagreed

If they were cancer meds,
you wouldn't be encouraging
or rather
forcing me to do this

So I've decided to stop swallowing
so that you won't ever need to buy
me anything