My last words to you were “I’ll see you later”.

Not “you mean the world to me” or “I would die for you” or “I love you”. Nothing that mattered, nothing that was real.  

I wonder why we say that. “I’ll see you later”. It’s a promise. A ridiculous vague promise that we know we can’t always keep.

I want to try again. I know we can’t rewrite history. I know that no matter how loud I scream you will never hear me. But I cannot say goodbye until I have let these words out of my aching soul. So here they, far too late.

I understand why you’re leaving. I know it’s selfish, but I wish it was me instead of you. You were always stronger, more equip for this life. You always  lead me through pain, how am I supposed to face it without you?

I’d give anything for you to stay for one more moment. To make one more snarky comment. To hear your voice just one more time. We didn’t get enough minutes, but I suppose even forever with you wouldn’t have been long enough.

I love you far more than I love myself. It doesn’t always seem that way, but you have seen my heart and held it in your hands. Didn’t you notice how it beat for you, spelling out your name over and over again? Did you realize I love you unconditionally? Did you know that I would burn down the entire world for you?

I want you to know, that all those years ago when I told you I hated you for making us walk away, it wasn’t true. In fact, I knew in the deepest part of my soul that it was what needed to be done but I didn’t have the strength to do it myself. So, when I said I hated you I actually meant that I hated me.

As these words come off of my lips I am starting to realize that I cannot do this without you. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me alone. I’m not going to make it. I won’t survive.

But if you must, I hope you find peace where ever end up. This life took so much and made you so **** tired, I hope you can finally rest.

Before you go, I have one last thing to say:

You mean the world to me, I would die for you and I love you.

Standing in the doorway I see the man larger than life lying in the bed
Tubes running from his hands and head.
I had heard the news but couldn’t believe it was true.

Sitting in the chair I listen to the familiar raspy voice,
But it’s so weak and soft, everything this man is not.
Tears brimming my eyes I hung my head low
I want to cry,
I want to scream,
I want to wake from this terrible dream.

I couldn’t bear the sight of this man weak and feeble
I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him
So I said he would be fine, just keep hanging on
Before you know it we’ll be back to those projects left incomplete
I’ll tell you then how much you mean to me
I’ll say everything I always wanted you to know
But not until you’re out of this white wall death lingering hell hole

Standing in the doorway I saw the life slipping away
But couldn’t accept what was right in front of me
There is so much left unsaid but life is short is what they say
I prayed that he would have more time that day
But we all have to go soon or later

I love you grandpa
I don’t know if you realize it but you were like a father to me
If it weren’t for you I would have walked a very different path
I listened whenever you talked because I wanted to be just like you
In fact if I can be half the man you were I would be proud of who I am

I wish I had could have said what was on my mind
But life is short and it was simply your time
I love you but I must put my regrets to rest
Say my final goodbye
And though you’ll always be in my heart
Your memory won’t have the painful sting of things left unsaid.
I love you grandpa,

Goodbye…

I want my last words to be meaningful... Then again, everybody does. The sad truth is, no words come close to meaning. The fact that we have to take seperate words and put them together like a puzzle for someone to even understand it, which sometimes they don't, amazes me. I'm sure a time will come where a thousand pictures is worth a word, and not vice versa... Then maybe absence will be meaningful. Until then, I have no last words. None would properly fit the missing piece to the puzzle.

Once my soul takes leave,
I implore no mourning.  
I float free and liberated,
In the empty expanse of eternity.

How could we expect Righteousness to prevail
When there are none willing to make sacrifices
Such a gorgeous sunny day and i have to go
Yet what does my death matter
If it will incite the masses to rise to action

I gave her this look of undeniable honesty through my eyes, and expression.
I gave her this look that explained everything I felt about her, but I'm not sure she understood it.
I gave her this look, afraid it wasn't enough I grabbed her hand, and explained.
"It's going to happen, you and I. I've known of your existence as sure as I've known my own name. I've awaited your arrival as long as I've known of its meaning. I hold your hand in this moment, and my heart rate rises reminding me that I never want to let it go; to never let you go. I hold your glance in this moment accepting now the luxurious release of death, for you are the last thing I wish to see. As the future remains unwritten and my life could vanquish in a twitch I tell you now you are the realest thing I have ever known, and as sure as breath gives these words life shall I love you until time forgets my name, and the oceans turn to dust."
I gave her this look that revealed every secret I had ever had.