never meant to feel this way
though I knew this day would come
it looked like cookie dough and fuzzy socks
not bleeding knuckles or holes in walls
bed ridden for weeks and dehydrated veins
i never meant to feel this way
i never thought love could hurt this bad
especially after the superpowers i once had

how many men
do i have to fill myself up with
before i am able
to get the feeling of you
out of my chest

I zone out sometimes and in the back of my mind
I can still hear your whispers that sent chills up my spine
and though they're three years old I hear them boldly,
quiet hushes play louder than music I turn up all the way
so that no one can hear me screaming about how it's been a year
and I have not healed yet
sometimes I wonder if I ever will or
if this is what I am ****** to forever,
I asked god once if he was real simply because
I could not feel anything for days,
I searched frantically in cigarette boxes
for cement feelings gone and lost,
I found ***** change and pocket lint, but
not love, nor pain and I thought
only he could take that away
but it went and came
in viscious waves
that drag me in and
tides that drown me in memories
I forgot how to swim for survival when I spent years
with my head barely at the surface just to catch my breath
I tried to leave behind last spring in hallways of buildings
marked "condemned" now
and I asked him what it meant, God,
to not believe in him but to want to
because someone had to be at blame for this pit in my chest
I tried to map it out by pinpointing stars that mimicked sharp jolts
on my heart but I only connected old words you said
into sentences that still eat away at my brain in my head
and I wonder what the **** I did to deserve this
unbearable rememberance
for someone who forgot me well before they even left

you said alright
when I said I was leaving
and I should have known there
to pack my bags and stop treating it
like some well-written romance novel,
because your care was fleeting the first time
you saw who I really was and I forgot what it was
to trust someone with absolutely everything
because when you left I had absolutely nothing

one time
in your best friend's basement
you told me that you never wanted to love anyone the
way you loved me
and I haven't heard a word
the same way
from anyone
since

numb to pain
and what a sweet freedom she is-
liberation from sinful, teenage lust
broken from chains
that once held me to mountains
i climbed to prove my love

but i don't know her anymore,
i can't feel her anymore,
she left last year in a panic and
i remember watching her eyes fade
that time i told her i could hold her hand forever
love was scared to stay
and so i blocked her out
one brick more every time she left and came back


and now i see her on the street
everywhere, in new towns and old
but the world does not warm up when i spot her
i don't feel flutters in my stomach and
the sun does not shine brighter as she walks by
i simply smile to be polite
i don't know her anymore


numb to pain,
how lovely a skill
to detatch from everything you once loved
at the snap of a finger
and to watch the repurcussions crush worlds
without batting an eye- how graced to know pain enough to beat her
how lovely a skill
until you wish you could just feel something
anything, at least once more

I ran out of things to write about the same day I ran out of almond milk, and I thought, well man, now I'm ******.
My cereal was dry and my hands were shaking as I tried to put into words how you made me feel dead for three years but how I thought that was living. My cereal was dry and I tried to make sense of all the ways you stole from my bounty and painted me as a thief. My cereal was dry and I still blamed myself for you leaving.

People ask me what went wrong,
And I can't tell them because I don't know.
One day I was crying because you weren't next to me, the day before you told me I was the reason you were falling apart so I spent 6 months trying to put you back together and the last three sitting in my kitchen eating lucky charms out of the box with my hands and trying to piece back together what you left, my cereal was dry and I still don't know quite where we went wrong. But oh,god am I sick of answering when people ask if you ever hit me.

You didn't have to.
Your condescending attitude left bruises I still ice on nights when I wish you had hit me instead. At least those wounds heal and don't resurface every time I hear one of the thousands of songs we listened to in three years.

I lost my whole music library when I lost you and someone once told me that the love of your life comes after the mistake of your life but never told me how to heal from the former or what to do when you realize they never had to.

My cereal was dry and I've been sitting here for 10 months now wondering what to say to people when they ask what happened. I didn't know back then and I fear I never will. My cereal is dry and I'm just sitting still.

I wanted a globe tattoo
to prove to the world I had ambition
to ditch the small town I was raised in
and make myself something huge

I wanted a globe tattoo
to portray adventure and fun
to leave on foot and not stop running
and make myself something new

I wanted a globe tattoo
to tell the world I was speical and kind
that wanderlust floods my mind
and not the constant fear of being stuck in the town where I met you

I wanted a globe tattoo
just to convince myself I would ever be able to make it out of this town

I got to thinking about how you never think about me,
not once in eleven months or during our anniversary week,
does it make me weak to wonder where we'd be by now?
My throat would still ache from yelling and you'd still be down about how you're stuck in the city with no way out,
but it's funny how fast a year went by and that I still wonder if I cross your mind
when I know I don't,
I just can't accept that I was never more than a lesson to you,
one you never internalized.