I talked about you
like you shaped mountains
as if you had the power to reconstruct
centuries of settled sediment
into something I would lose my breath trying to climb
I spoke about you,
I swore you put the stars in the sky
just for me
but took them as my eyes adjusted to the dark
and I could finally see.
I talked about you
like you were the milk in my morning tea:
just enough to keep it warm
but not hot enough to burn me,
as if you never hurt me,
it's funny.
how I talked about you
like you would move mountains for me,
or build me a galaxy.
I used to love tea,
and now I drink coffee.

tea that steeps too long
leaves a bitter taste
the very same way
we held on too strong
to something gone
we wasted months

I soaked up
years of your self hatred
and now I am here.

Cavities now rot my teeth,
I spent months trying to sweeten
the tea we let steep
for far too long

Slam the door,
one more time
it shattered enough windows last week,
all the items in the house fit through the three that cracked,
the frame was intact
but the glass had been smashed,
just enough to fit a small bag already packed,
and then shove myself through

slam the door,
one more time,
this time I'm not coming home.

I was born in the Autumn,
on a brisk orange morning,
early October,
before it turns grey,
but after the crimsons have gone away
52 degrees,
leaves already fallen and
wet beneath our feet

I was born in the fall,
it's no surprise I feel this way,
everything that gives me life
someday will die

*** used to have meaning
I used to feel it
not plead for anything to make me believe I didn't need it

and now it is nothing
it is a hobby or past time

I miss mixing my soul with another
instead of trading sweat with someone I didn't even bother
to ask their name

Yours was the only one I cared to know

What they don't tell you about love
(before you fall in, of course)
is that no metal on earth
is stronger than it

So you can weld yourself together,
using heat from others,
piecing whatever steel you force your heart to become
to cope with a loss,
but the loss still won.

How can I feel so full of love
as the sun rises every morning
sunshine fills me up,
unthaws my tired bones

but as it softens,
the sun sinks into the lake by my home
I feel it return, that chill in my spine,
reminding me you are not mine anymore,
and I am hollow again,
missing you, again

when will this end?

Notice how when you crush a flower,
it crumbles to the ground,
withers at the roots,
and loses its hue to the bottom of a boot,

but there it goes,
to learn to grow new,
gathers nutrients from the Earth,
to rise and try again,

just like me

You got a call at 7:42,
It was your dad reminding you to drive safely,
the clouds were getting darker, covering cobalt blue skies,
the ones we tried to sit and admire with bare eyes,
but ended up just taking pictures of like we always do.

We captured pearly white clouds and softening sunsets,
the way I feel with my friends is unforgettable,
and even on days where I feel like the pain I feel,
the one that reminds me that I miss you still,
is spreading through my body like a cancer,
one that is too far developed to treat,
I am reminded by the grass beaneath my feet,
that I have this beautiful planet,
I have the sky to myself,
I have clouds that shadow when I've had too much sun,
and trees that cover when the sky comes undone,
and a storm begins to drench us in shame,
and I got a call that was not the same as yours.

I got a call and heard the word "cancer"
and all I could think of was the way the clouds rolled across the sky
becoming greyer as the water continued to rise,
all at once the green grass lost its hue,
and I fell into the Earth
as I was consumed by the thought of losing you.

My second first love
won't be so rough,
well it might be
but it won't be so bitter.

My second first love
won't be so hard,
well it could be,
it is love after all,
but it won't be the same as before
where we fought about who hated themselves more

My second first love
won't be so hurtful
because it will be true
it will be kind, patient,
understanding and soft

My second first love won't be so hard to lose,
because it won't be with someone who leaves as they choose.

My second first love will be with myself.
before I ever offer my heart to someone else who could break it,
I want to make it hard, make sure it's reachable but not breakable.

My second first love won't be scary,
It won't be jealous or insecure.
I want to make sure I love myself harder than anything else,
so my third first love feels like nothing else has felt.