When you read those corny books about breakup they tell you that no matter how hard you think it might be, you'll get over it. You'll get over him. You'll get over her. You'll get over late summer nights where you swore you would never need anything else. And you felt solace in a book that promised happiness at the end of the road and so you tried to stop missing him. You tried to stop missing her. You replaced them with other people. You kissed that short, skinny boy with greasy hair to see if his lips compared to the ones you grew used to. They didn't. You kissed that tall, chubby girl to see if her lips made you sing like the way you were making music for all those years. They didn't. Nothing you tried to replace your first love with was the same.

And that is the point.

When you fall in love for the very first time, they don't tell you that it's going to hurt when it ends. Well, they might but hell if you'll believe it. You're blinded by something that we would all beg for another chance to do over and I swear to God I would do it the same way again. You were blinded by a force so strong you simply cannot move on in 3 months. Today was supposed to be your 3 year anniversary.

And it wasn't.

When you fall out of love the first time they don't tell you how or when you will get back up. They don't tell you that you will check his Twitter every day. You will see if her Instagram pictures of you two remain. And they don't tell you how badly you'd rather take a knife to the gut when you see they moved on already. It feels the same anyway.

When you fall in love for the second time, though. Everything is different.

When you fall in love for the second time, you wish everything was different. You beg your brain to not **** this one up. You bargain with your heart to let yourself have one night to enjoy what it has for once.
But the games you let sink into your blood and permeate your idea of love come back to life when your heart starts to beat again. You notice different things about the second person you love, like how their hair never stays in their hat the right way or the way they fall asleep laying on their back but always end up on their side holding you really tightly and how you finally feel okay with them, for once, even if it's just for a night. You notice that their hands are a different shape than the first person you love and that they might shape clay differently and it might not hurt you as much as before and you notice you're absolutely terrified of replacing someone else's hands so you use your own to push them away as hard and as far as possible.

And for the second time, you ****** up.
For the second time, with someone new,
you broke all the rules and you hurt someone who loved you.

They don't tell you how to fall in love a second time because they're so shocked you could ever love again after all those nights you spent screaming into your pillow until you lost your voice and fell asleep remembering that one park you used to hold hands at 16. But they will not tell you how to feel that way again because something sunk it's teeth deep into your skin and its venom changed the chemicals within you and now you see love as a game and I'm sorry because it isn't.
I'm sorry you have to hurt people to show them you're changed and I'm sorry that you are stuck in this wave of not knowing who will come into your life and make you sing again.

When you fall in love for the first time, it is in that one park and you swear it's the best feeling in the world. You swear you can fly.
When you fall in love the second time, please don't let it go, you know what it feels like already to watch love die.

The devil on my shoulder has the same mannerisms as you
So I naturally gravitate towards all he promises to give me
A life with no pain, a bed and a name
All at the cost of losing who I became when I loved you.

The devil on my shoulder swears he loves me back
So I naturally give him chance after chance
It's a disease, to see only the best in people
When they could easily rip your heart out and dip without a thought
All at the cost of losing you and getting lost

The devil on my shoulder smells an awful lot like you
Worn out hoodies and the same pair of jeans
the cheap cologne your mother gave you in January
The devil on my shoulder says he's heard of you before
But you scared him away and he's never been terrified before

My red scars have been replaced
and now pink bug bites remain
I fill the dark with sunsets
from the top of the park where we laid.
But I did not think of you today.

My summer heart beats steady,
July winds lifts me up,
the grass underneath might leave little cuts.
But they leave room for me to breathe.

I watch the sunset every day,
I take in every color,
I stopped waiting on a call
from a past- life lover.
I do not miss you at all.

I lay in the light,
reds, oranges, sherbert pink skies,
my skin takes in all the earth gives,
The sky wraps itself in mid July,
ribbons for clouds decorate the sky,
I do not ache for you this time.

Instead I crave the palette,
the warm hues of summer scattered,
those colors fill me up
they remind me who I was
three years ago in June
before I lost it all to you.

My scars were replaced
by ugly, pink bug bites,
my heart was replaced
by warm, itchy nights.
But I wouldn't change a thing.
My soul is hung up on a string.
Out on display for the world to see,
finally.
And every night, while it dries,
I have a chance to bring to light
everything your winter nights
tried to hide.

I wonder
where does your heart lie?
where does the extra go
when it's time to put on a show?
You live as an emotional exhibitionist
but golden lips trump hollow veins
you only show the world
your trophies and save the rest
for your pillow
so I wonder
where does your heart lie?
Who scared you into thinking
emotions are for the weak?
That sadness reaks of vulnerability
and that missing someone is unspeakable,
I wonder,
where does your heart lie?
The soul you expose
for the world to know
is a sliver of the pieces
that make you whole
you show only gold
when copper lies below
and I wonder
where does the rest go?

5 years ago I was angry
vengence flooded my hollow veins
my skin was rough from self inflicted pain
my scabs turned purple, my eyes turned red
I was hateful and tired and bed ridden

5 year ago I was scared
fear swallowed my soulless insides
my hair was thin from all the gin
my nails were brittle from scratching at cement
I was weary and timid and bed ridden

5 years ago I was nothing
revenge conquered my purpose
my hands were cold from nights awake
my smile was jaded from faking
I was not who I am today

5 hours ago I was me
Right now, I am new
I threw away my hate
I swallowed my pride
and I decided to love my life

5 months ago I forgave you
5 years ago I could never
5 hours ago I forgave me, too
and 5 seconds ago I was new

Time ***** dry of what drive we have
hands tick and cause us to feel like collapsing
but I got tired of the scrapes on my knees
from praying to God for some sort of relief
so I decided to be that for me,
and I forgave you 5 years ago
I forgave me only 3
but it is behind us now
and we can move on
because 14 years ago
I thought I was wrong

5 years ago I was different
my body had seen better days
my heart only 15 years old
was ready to give in
I found forgiveness
in the darkerst corner of my ribs
I broke off a piece
to let some air in
and have been healing
ever since

Every argument was useless
you never heard a single word I said
and now I climb mountains
to get your voice out of my head
I'm still better off without you
so don't come after me
I'm climbing at a steady rate
and soon I'll reach the peak

I fell apart 127 times before I stopped trying to put myself back together. What kind of force were you to steal my foundation and my willpower too? What kind of God would make our paths cross for long enough to build an empire, and watch us as we took that time and set everything on fire? There is nothing left of what we built, ashes cover anything green. The proof of our conquests lies under rubble too heavy to remove. Water fizzles off rocks that waited too long in the sun for enough energy to create life, and then we are nothing but steam. I stopped being able to reconcile with your energies last fall when we were apart because everything you sent my way dug a hole in my spine and I finally collapsed on December 9th. I fell to my knees at 6:33 at night and the pit in my stomach is still there even though you are not.

I haven't stopped trying to put myself back together since you left.
At least I can say I have that going for me. You took a lot but you didn't take everything.