Nobody knows what
I feel inside
Because it is a pool of memories
Too deep to swim in
Beyond consolation

Nobody knows the
Pain I deal with daily
Its like a card game I'm addicted to
And a losing one played by fools
Beyond encouragement

Nobody knows the hurt
I carry with me
Its a glass pane that has shattered
And the broken edges have carved out a piece of me
Beyond recognition

Nobody knows the regret
I pull like dead weight
Its as heavy as the sky on earth
It is always hovering over my head
Beyond reconciliation

Such is isolation
Inescapable
Complete.

i dont think you understand
the quiet turmoil in my mind
every second feels like an hour
and every hour feels like nine
im spiraling
falling down the rabbit hole
of what not to do, what not to be
what not to think, what not to dream

i romanticize the darker things
the ugly things, the crueler things,
the taboo aspects of life
im fixated on you
as an answer to all questions,
as an end to all my strife

you are my biggest secret,
my fondest promise,
my disheartening delight,
my comfort in the unknown,
and my conclusion of the night

as much as i hate to say it
youve always brought me the most
fellow feelings,
the most solace,
and the most reassurance
you are always my last option,
you are the devil on my shoulder

its a sad thing, really
that you will ultimately be the end of me.

it’s miles deeper than me,
this new world.
everyone, save for
earth’s new collection of bodies,
wishing this would please,
please blow over.

leaving your house, i knew
you couldn’t come with me.
thrice-dried leaves clatter
and scrape the street
between mine and yours.

out of your sight,
finally i cried.

the wind froze my dripping
face & i spat venom
at painted women
that passed by,
painted in ways
that i love to paint
myself. not unlike me
at all, really, whose crime
was only to bear the villain’s face:
unbothered.

So patiently I wait
To see what form
My madness will next take

Between the nightmares
And broken sleep
I long for calm
A quiet peace

Yet shelters have become
Far less available
In the storms that have been brewing
For quite some time.

I feel the rain
Gentle at first
Leading me to a moment
Of ignorant calm
I can handle a little bit of rain

But a typhoon
Is another matter entirely

I beg for forgiveness
For something
That is entirely out of my control
Because “Sorry" is a word
That I know all too well.

I dig at my insecurity
Because no one should have to deal with me
So I start to isolate
Shut myself away
Locked in a room
With a typhoon
And no idea why I can’t breathe

So I lash out
At those around me
Unaware that the window, I’m looking out of, at them
Doesn’t show them the storm
That as raging within me.
And because I can’t open my mouth
To beg for help
They can’t see
How very lost I am.

But somehow
The storm breaks for a moment
So I scream, and beg and ugly cry
About everything that is drowning me
And in that moment
The glass shatters
The typhoon rages for all to see
My facade in tatters on the floor
My madness clear for all once more
Shelters are built.
Protections are forged.
I’m supported and strengthened
I feel brave, I feel sure,
And slowly but surely
The storm passes on
A brief hint of sunlight
A battle is won.

But I start to panic,
To wonder and fear
What if you all decided
To abandon me here
Who could blame you,
I’m broken and beaten
And I’m hard work to support
And I’m never who I’m supposed to be.
What if next time, the storm doesn’t break
What if can’t get help before it’s too late.

I don’t want to hurt anyone
I just want to help people heal
So please forgive me my illness
Let’s pretend it’s not real

I’ll keep facing the sun
Live my life true
And try my best
Not to burden the very best of you x

What do theologians call a life without events?

The lights of my prison-like room dawn before sun's first blush.
I open sand-papery eyes as my AI announces the morning.

I begin the puppetry of morning routines:
I study my pale inmate face as I polish the porcelain.

I look less of a drowsy-angel than a zombie as I splash cold water
on the face with an almost determined lack of expression.

I’m absorbed in an ocean of predawn cold
as I 5-mile-walk away my sleepiness - this small freedom
- keeps me fit and acceptably sane.

Later, bathed in hot indifference,
and clothed in exhausting obligations,
I dine, at my reserved table, with my gang of irritations.

Soon I’m ready for another taxing day
of waiting for the disease to run its course.

The question is:
“Are people still collecting
memories, these days?”

"This isolation
isn't bothering me much.”
I say, if I'm asked.

But I’m not sure that’s
true. After hundreds of nights
of dull solitude.

I think each night might
carry a value - of dear,
and unmeasured loss.

Loss of memories
- because they never happened.
How have we all changed?

The words lost from my lungs,
Breath stolen by the virus
That has yet to cross my threshold.
But the fear and the pain,
So real,
On the faces of everyone
Just trying to make it through the day.
The same day
Just on repeat.
The same day
Just on repeat.
Over and over again.

I can see the pain
Through the screen.
Connecting virtually
With people who this time last year
I would wrap my arms around
Not a second thought to be had,
And now,
Arms empty,
Heart hurting,
I can only watch on a tiny screen
For fear of losing you to my selfishness.

They say there’s light now,
At the end of this long tunnel.
But at times I am so blinded by the darkness
That maybe I’m looking in the wrong place,
Because I can’t feel the warmth
That the light should bring.

I know this is not forever,
We will grow and adapt.
Learn to live and thrive.
Relearn to hold our loved ones close,
To sing our songs out loud,
To stand side by side together,
And feel the warmth of the sun
Without fear.

But in this darkness,
Though I cannot hold you close,
I’m right with you,
Walking side by side,
Just 2 meters away,
Just 1 phone call away,
Right in our hearts together.

We will get through this to brighter things.
I am right here with you
Always
***

I'm feeling stuck in place
I wanna run but I'm in empty space
Floating around like I did yesterday
This can't be all there is for me no way
I'm feeling stuck in place

Moved away
But all my problems they remain the same
I dress them up so they look unafraid
But I still wear them comfort zone to blame
They're feeling stuck in place

What to say?
I hear old words fill up my head all day
And when I want to share they hide away
They say I'm shy and ask if I'm okay
I'm feeling stuck in place...