He suddenly became quiet.

He didn't feel like getting any of his thoughts
out into the world anymore.
He felt that nothing mattered
and that his presence was defined
only by the clothes he wore and
not by the words that wore him out.

He started wearing shirts. Up 'til the last button.
He became numb
and all of his dumb
fears
became brave
in one instance.

No one recognized his face anymore.. for a while now. They were concentrating on other things,
and when he finally recognized the truth
that was staring at him from the mirror,
he decided to hit the "snooze" button.

He couldn't find any reason to get out of bed in the morning,
nor to go to sleep at night.
He was in limbo,
in a purgatorial state of mind,
with one foot set in irrelevance
and the other one stepping in the **** of inadequacy.

He felt weak
and small,
although he was never thin,
nor fit.

He still loved everyone and wanted more from them,
even though nobody wanted more of him.

He often felt like the screaming guy in Munch's painting
- surrounded by color, light and everyone's rear end -
Oh, what a wonderful state of mind!

He stopped setting up his alarm.
It felt useless - everything had already happened, anyhow.
His life started showing the MUTE button in the corner of his internal screen.

He suddenly became very quiet
but despite all the silence that was surrounding him NOW,
there was a lot of noise in his head.

As a child
You always taught me
Family was important
Regardless the situation
I can always count on family
I believed that
However
Growing up
We weren't the perfect family

I was allowed to spend time with her during the weekends
And you, well mostly grandma
The weekdays
She wasn't perfect either
But at least
Before she died
She made me felt loved

I can't believe after all these years
You made me turn my back on her
Yes she could've ****** up
Or maybe you ****** up
Well I wouldn't know would I
Cause I'm always the last one to know about something in this family
But anyhow
She still gave me that love
Even til this day
I could feel it

Always wondered if she took me with her
If we left together
If I moved away from you
How would things turn out to be

You always said that she was this
And she was that
And I wasn't even able to defend her
But now that I'm older
And I'm figuring things out
I'm figuring you out
I'm finally able to realize all the faulty measures in this family

Why they both left
Yes
You may be right one out of three
But I'm going to prove you so wrong

I thought I got my heartbroken enough by my past lover
And now that it's healed
And I'm finally able to believe and trust someone
I'm content
And then there you go
The feeling of my heart breaking
Because of you
Just saddens me

I've never said you're a bad person
I've never said you've never carried your duties and responsibilities
Yes you have and for that I thank you
But besides all that
Just because of it
You think I'm going to stick around
To tolerate the mess you created
The person you are

Years I kept in inside me
Years you put me down
Never believed in the things I do
Always assuming the worst of me
Believing the lies people feed you
Over me
And you call yourself a -
It breaks my heart to even say it

I kept it in me for years
Never said anything to anyone
Thought that maybe one day
You'd realize
But as the years go by
You're becoming worse
Bad to worse as a matter of fact
Your favourite line that you love to use on me

I finally found the person that I am able to tell my deepest secrets
Not because I want him to judge you
Even then
I'm afraid because I don't want him to create this image of what an individual you are
Because you're still that person to me
However I'm a goner
I need to let **** out
If I keep this in any longer
Trust me
I might lose my ******* head

In this whole loop
I can't trust anyone
Not you
Not them
Not anyone

I don't know what the future may hold
Yes I may be with him for the rest of my life
Or I won't
That's for Him to judge
But it's alright
Because at this exact moment
He's the person I believe in
He's the person I love
And willing to make sacrifices for
He's the person you said that's not right for me
Well you're wrong
Dead ******* wrong

He's the person, the only person
I'm able to be my complete self
Without being looked down on
I may be foolish at times
Make stupid decisions
But that doesn't perceive me as an idiot
Am I right
Or nevermind
Who am I kidding
You'd say I'm wrong
So nah

I'm leaving
Could be now
Or tomorrow
And whenever
However
When that happens
I promise you
You don't have to see my face anymore
And unlike her, she came back
Oh, how sweet
But no
I'm not her
I'm not anyone you're trying to make me be
I'm a cold-hearted, selfless *****
Only to you though
So don't worry

I treat the people I love with gentle and care
And I found my family
And that's me
Him
Friends

Some may disagree with my doing
But I make my decision
I am living this life
I get to do this
At least this
For my sake
I'm done
Good riddance

Stares are made towards fame,
but how many hearts are crushed?

Singly taken one by one,
until I am one of them.

something sweet like
licorice
burning down my throat
absinthe makes me gag
blurry moments
fill my head like laughing gas
life is a cycle of
breaking chains that I didn't know were there
tearing them off
sobbing or standing in the wind until
your pores are clear of them

//

my face is numb
trickle down spin
my legs over his
(a gentle caress)
time is irrelevant sometimes

You're not displaying sentiments of sadness and deepened emotion simply because you wish that I, through hearing them, may feel a sense of calm and clarity over what has been done.
No.
You're speaking this ******* so that you feel less guilty, that you lessen the pain on yourself, knowing that you've said I'm sorry to the person who calls themself victim.
You ease your conscience whichever way you see fit.
And I'll ease mine.

I do not
have to tell you
not to notice me.
Your eyes rest,
and then skim right by
...my features barely holding
a place in your mind.
Sometimes
I like it that way...
...but sometimes
I wish to have
some sort of...
relevance
in your life
in your hopes
in your dreams...
Sometimes
I wish
I wasn't so irrelevant
to you...
-IrisMaddenPoetry