Let’s sow the memories in the field.
In the warm darkness, the past is not judged, and peace will come by avoiding the dazzling light.
Scattered pain will bloom into flowers.

All the unloved wounds will become daffodils.

I will come to love those flowers.
                                                       Hana.M

Even in a slanted world, she does not slip,
Even when she returns to a circle with no exit,
She moves forward as if it were the first time.

Living on a borrowed small leaf,
Filling her belly with a single drop of dew,
Rejoicing with her whole being at a petal carried by the wind,
I wishes to pass through life with steps slower than anyone else.
                                                 Hana.M

Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
healing
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
love
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .

I feel like most people
really don't understand me.
It feels really hard
most people drain me
most places drain me
It feels hard to be alive
most of the time
because I feel like
I'm from a different planet earth.
I feel like my soul is not from here,
I care about things that most
don't care about.
I feel at peace with sci fi
which  I definitly believe
is real
in other realities...
I believe in spirituality
not as a fantasy ,but as reality
when people pollute the earth
and I see it in real life,
It feels like my soul is crying inside.
I love animals especially cats,
I feel that they understand me and see my pain
without words,just a knowing.
I feel like everything is art
good and bad.
I feel traumatized
from everyone and everything.
I just feel like an alien
I don't know how to be human,
most of the time.

I just wanna feed  the animals& sing to them
grow my children to love themselves
fully &truly.

I would just love to meet people
who truly see me,
who don't wanna use me ,
or see me as a threat or competition
because of the way that I look.

I just feel tired
just so tired,
no matter how much I sleep.
I feel tired of this reality,
I wish I could escape!

indeed I am a smart ***
I see through the *******
and am not afraid to throw it back when it's slung my way

my sarcastic nature
allows me to laugh
at things that might otherwise be painful
it's also a helpful tool
to disarm fools
who try to make me believe their lies

my feeling on people
is based on trial and error
and life experience

I find that the truth is
you can generally assume that for the most part
most people
are thinking of themselves

their true motives are hidden by their words
or actions
when you really

look

and

learn

you then realize people
manipulate each other for self gain

when someone is making you feel zapped
you are being
used
one way or another

protect your temple

Needles pressing on my neck
waiting for the skin to break

Needles pressing on my eyes
trying to reach the soul

Needles stuck into my ears
this hurts more than they know

It's not their fault
it's not my fault
it's no one's fault
just breathe
relax
relax relax relax

Needles going up my nose
too much
too much!

The needles slowly break my blood brain barrier
become my very existence
i pop

Marooned  land-locked
    on  island  earth

Born with an orphan’s
    unknowable ache

Born with an empath heart
– always feeling too much –
mystic receptors wide awake
    in a highly sensitive soul

It’s as if I've walked along
      forever alone,
    one step at a time,
    lost in a restless nebula
from the earth to the moon

Consciously dreaming
      to steal away, 
bearing the weight of the sky, 
upwards over the mountain,
away from these chains
         that bind

    The maelstroms echo
behind silenced, probing eyes
with an unsated thirst
      to be wanted
    dead or otherwise:

Never understanding
    the reasons why,
spinning around in my head;
where "once upon a time"
        was hidden,
        buried alive              

A lifetime spent trying
    to unlearn the things
    I wish I’d never
    sought to know,
    clinging to the love
I've touched in my life
  evermore enwombed
       in my heart

    Passing milestones:
walking another barefoot mile
passing so many locked doors
    without keyholes
– way outside the lines –

    Choking on all
    the latent words
      lay fallow, 
      left unsaid 
Always looking for
something dreamt
but seldom manifest 

Growing so tired and weary
with no one standing by my side;  
no one to lay down beside me
    to take a rest for awhile

Just another chapter
in a timeless same old story;
  another dark star
      burned – out
      – vanished –
into the utter obscurity
of a sky so close and yet
       so far away...


Jesse Stillwater ... August 22, 2018