Hair down to shoulder,
Gray peppers my sideburns;
Where do the years go?

I remember the restaurant,
The one Grandpa
Had brought us to –
Window panes in patriotism
And pancakes atop, “America,”
The world revolved,
“America,”
And how we’d made it
“Home” –
So came the syrup, destiny
And fervor caked powder plate.

He knew of my toil, ills, and tolls
Pandered atop horizons
Hindered Mao and red
As we sat near dawn over coffee
And something south of
Conspiracy – opposite my dream
And collusion to **** said
Destiny,
But it was still, “his
America,” not mine and he’d
Sleep when I wouldn’t.

So it pained me, resonant a twitch
Within this small inch of
Remnant family, to tell him,
“We’re going back,
We’re leaving tomorrow,”
And, “I don’t know when I’ll be
Home,” gramps,
“I don’t know if I’ll ever be home,”
And he’d say prior ever’d silent –
“Good luck sleeping on that one,
Son,” I just know he would.

~~~

My memory of grandpa
Was that his hands were red
Showing me some pictures
A kid's book before bed.

The bones were raw and gnarled
The sinews looked all sore
The skin was thickly callused
Spotted, lined and scored.

They showed wear and tear
They echoed his toil
Grandpa was a farmer
A tiller of the soil.

Grandpa couldn't read
But we could laugh and look
His hands delicately turning
The pages of a book.


SoulSurvivor
(C) 5/12/2015

The day you left I was so depressed
All I could do is reminisce on a time of happiness
Even though you were not here, somehow you felt near

I think of you all the time
And then I begin to cry
Knowing you’re not coming back
Oh, how I wish I could change that

I miss you more than words can express
I feel so empty like there’s a hole in my chest
Wishing there was something more that I could do
How could someone just take your soul and leave me so blue

Everyone whispers about Death
The passing over
The moving on.
Everyone talks quietly and in murmurs
About The Great Beyond
As if death can hear you
And wishes to remain anonymous.

But Death is final moments and
Taking your last breath.
Dying is the ugly part.

Dying is getting smaller
Just lying there in bed.
It's frailty and exhaustion.
And a growing sense of dread.

Dying is holding a hand that has no strength left to squeeze.
Talking to someone who can't hear you.
Listening to their breath wheeze.
It's waking in the idle night
And learning to dose morphine.

Death is very simple.
You close you eyes and die
But dying is counting your ribs
having bones for arms and legs
Making hard decisions
And trying to say goodbye.

Dying is praying when you've never believed in God
Hoping it will be over soon
So life can start to move on.
It's a constant feeling of guilt and remorse
Of thinking shellfish thoughts.
It's waiting
And waiting
And waiting
Until suddenly you're not.

No one talks about dying.
Just the end result.

Breathing the modern air,
living the old way.

Today is your birthday
and I woke up hoping
to see the sun
but no sun appeared
instead, the heavy rain came
and tried to wash off that pain
I every day try to oppress
the pain that every year
on this December 1st
I can no longer hide

Today is your birthday
and I miss you
I miss you
like I did last year on this same day
like I have been doing since you left
like I always will

I reach out to hold beard of this old man,
On balcony edge he makes me stand.
"It's scary Grandpa, don't leave my hand."
"Worry not my child, won't let you fall on this land."

Sparrows chirping as we feed them sprout,
Flying here and there, I laugh out loud.
Pointing to the sky, "Look at that white cloud."
I learned so quick, he felt so proud.

Bought me different chocolates every night,
I'd sit eating happily, enjoying every bite.
Pretty dress, like a fairy, wings he made me wear,
"Look at me now, I can fly, I swear!"

"This is our stable," I point to the grass
Grandpa carried me on his back at last.
Like a horse, he'd ride smoothly on the floor
Five year old rider, shouting "Off to the door!"

Toys on the table, every day a few,
Puppies and bears all red, yellow and blue,
Tricycle and tents, small pillow fights,
Without his kiss, I wouldn't sleep at night.

We stole cashew nuts, while grandma prayed,
Ate them quick, before her eyebrows raised.
Small trips around the city in our car,
So many stories and learnings he'd shower.

Clapped at my dance moves to every song,
Scolded me for everything I'd do wrong.
Fell on my ankle, losing his balance once,
Couldn't walk that day, but I loved him, I'd pounce

We get a call, a call late at night,
My parents pack bags, rush to the airport flight.
Silence hurt every now and then,
Mom and dad didn't know where to begin.

"Grandma, say something!" But she doesn't
He was here and then he wasn't?
So much more to play, and so little time?
I shed tear every time I remember his rhymes