#ftm poems on Hello Poetry

Jay G Oct 2014

Purple

I saw someone, two grades older than me in the halls with a purple shirt.
He was tall and had a huge grin and a loud laugh.
I heard the boy in the purple shirt had an B in Spanish
And a D in chemistry
And an A in foreplay.
I thought maybe he's had more than one girlfriend in the past few weeks.
At school he tells me he likes my shirt. Then turns around and tells another girl he likes her ***.
I realized then I wanted to be him. Because the girl was probably going to **** him, and not me.
What does he have that I don't.
Chin fuzz, a reverberating voice, broad shoulders, a ****.
That night I did one hundred push ups. That night I cried for one hundred minutes.
And slept for what seemed like one hundred hours.
When my morning comes my chest aches. When my morning comes my chest is still chesty.
When his morning comes his chest is occupied by a girl's head.
When his morning comes he let's go of a morning *** on his purple shirt.
On his purple sheets.
On the girl's purple cheeks.
He remembers someone, she is two grades younger than him.
She is small and has sad lips and a quiet sigh.
She has an F in math, and an F in history, and an F in foreplay.
He told her he liked her shirt, because he really did, because it wasn't purple, because it wasn't his, because it made her look strong. It made her look like a man. He then realized that he liked the color blue better, and liked the way it looked on her.

This wasn't meant to be good. It's just thoughts.

#teen #*** #trans #sexuality #ftm

Landon Cole Jaxcen H Oct 2014

BAAH BAAH! cried the black sheep

Oh my god, what have you done to your hair
Please tell me you didn’t buy those clothes with the money I gave you
What happened to the you that I use to know?
Why are you doing these things to yourself?
What have you done to my baby girl.
And there we go: that right there is just it.

Your baby girl isn’t the correct terms anymore
Don’t you remember when I was little,
All the times I ran around looking like I did.
You can’t tell me that you thought I’d really grow out of that.
When I was just a wee kid I think deep down I knew, I was just unsure of what it meant.
When I was only in the fifth grade I had a girlfriend, but we didn’t really know that.

Love, and what does that truly mean?
Favoritism, lying, shame, broken- hearted, depression, think on all of that.
Do any of the above mean crap to you now?
I know I’m not the favorite kid you don’t have to fake it anymore.
Face this, we all know that I’m the unwanted, the black sheep, bah bah.
Although I will give you that you both help me out a lot.

What is the reasoning behind this you ask, but I shall not give you the answer you want.
The reasoning is for me to explain that who I am is who I will always be.
Maybe I’ll even improve on the person I know I am supposed to be.
I know it’s not either of your faults that I didn’t develop the right parts.
I would change the way I am if I could because no it’s not easy, trust me I hate it too.
It’s a chemical imbalance they say, something you can be born with.

Why am I sitting here pouring out my heart that I already have on my sleeve?
I have no reason to believe that anything could even matter at this point.
We all know I will be me and you will disapprove regardless.
You say you love me in which I do believe that you both do.
My only thing is I feel as if I’m just not what you wanted.
Hell I wasn’t even meant to be so maybe that’s why I’m the black sheep.
Baahh Baahh cried the poor baby sheep.

Wiping the tears of my face now, I’m sorry dad. I’m sorry, mom.
I didn’t mean for this to happen, I hope you don’t mind another son.
I know it’s going to be heart breaking and mostly against God as you always say.
I know life isn’t meant to be perfect maybe that’s why I’m cursed with this pain.
The fear of it all is so scary I wish I could truly change.
I hope you know this has nothing to do with my preference in which I’m with.
For that sake is another topic we shall not address for now.

With all this out on the table now, I say it’s time to eat, feast on it with however you want my dear parents.
To the final tale about how the baby girl became a grown man no one ever knew about.

#depressed #black #trans #sheep #male #ohwell #helpme #sorrynotsorry #ftm

Landon Cole Jaxcen H Jan 2014

Please Dont Stop and Stare

Every since I can remember I have thought it was a trap. .
I remember my grandpa teaching me how to shave with the cap on the razor, I just went through the motions ..
Playing in the dirt and plowing the field made me happy.
I ran around the house in long shorts and no shirt
My hair was never to be fixed up
You never would catch me in a dress if I could help it .
Bows were never the things I wanted to wear
Once I started to develop I was told to wear a shirt at home, I couldn't understand it.
I just wanted to be like my brother.
There is just the thing, everyone wanted me to be more like my sister. .
For a few short dreadful years I had to play my role as a girl.
Why I asked myself why did this happen to me?
Would I ever get to be who I was supposed to be?
How could this be?.
What did I do to deserve this?
Could I fix this if I try?
But Mama I'm not attracted to a guy I would say
She would be furious all I knew was I could try to make her better.
I just had no emotion for quite some time.
Only few selects got me through that rough time.
But what is it, why did this happen to me?
I wasn't switched at birth, but simply didn't develop right.
I'm missing some of my parts, you gave me the wrong ones.
These arent what feels right and it hurts, why do people stare?
Please sir, No sir, Thank you sir, yes it's joy everytime I hear it, but why can't it always be those?
Is it really to hard to have given them 2 sons and 1 daughter, then it could of been she's just the favorite because she's a girl.
Why couldn't you have made me who I was meant to be?.
The guy that I know I really am, the guy who treats woman with respect, the guy who is kind and polite, the guy who has manners when the time is right, the guy who repects all who repects him, the guy who has a sensetive side, the guy who is just one of guys, the guy who all girls wish they had ( yes I have been told this many of times) , the guy who always finished last due to a big factor of all the parts being wrong.
Thankfully I found the girl who would love me for who I am no matter the luggage I carry.

Hurting On The Inside,
The perfect guy trapped in a female body.

#boy #trans #male #sorrynotsorry #ftm

Skypath Sep 2014

Sickness

Your fingers pull at shower-soft hair
Getting longer but not too long
Your eyes are dry but so is your tongue
Because you can’t find it in you to cry

Your chest is tight but it’s not the shirt you wear
It’s your ribs closing in on your lungs.
Your insides are crushed beneath the weight of their words
Pronouns buried like landmines beneath your skin
There’s a sickness inside you
Gnawing on your bones
Black tar sticky in your stomach
A violence pressing against your organs

You’ll feel better when you’ve changed your body
When your voice is deep and there’s hair on your jaw
You can take your shirt off at the beach
And flirt with girls at the coffee shop

Until then there’s no one who can understand
No one to get why you stand before the mirror
Running your hands over your flattened chest
Or practice walking like there’s something between your legs

No one asks why you’re not happy with cancer
Because no one is happy with cancer
But no one understands that your dysphoria
Is a sickness
And its terminal

#depressing #sorry #trans #transgender #ftm

Skypath Sep 2014

She

Extra lessons after school
Explaining how you are not yourself
Such small words used so simply
Cut like knives through your chest
'She'

Paraphrasing arguments
Summarizing discipline
Faceless family with too much on their own plate to understand
Why you don't like what's on yours
'She'

Tightness in your chest not because your binding is too small
But because it isn't
The name of a state has never hurt so much
'She'

You look in the mirror and grimace
Shower so fast you don't have to see yourself
Roll their words in your mind until you're leaning over the toilet
'She'

Humming summer days fade into early autumn nights
Long days enforce what they have already told you
Dress code laws repeated by tongue
And hasty dressing in changing rooms
Hoping they won't notice you
'She'

But you are an active volcano
There are wolves in your chest and lions in your brain
And they can't change you
You get home and look in the mirror and sign into skype
A simple word that only drops one letter
Has never had so much power

He.

#and #positive #tw #trans #transgender #negative #warning #trigger #ftm

Leo-chan Aug 2014

Does time really heal?

Day by day I wonder what it would have been like if I came out more girly and more of what my family expected and how life would be so much easier that way. But yet I wasn't, I grieve everyday because in my mind I know what I want to be and I know who I want to be but reality has won the war so far by making my appearance say other wise. Its not easy. I try to tell myself "Do it. They'll still love you" or "if they can except me as gay they can except me as transgender" but deep down I feel so bad for my family. I know they're just waiting for me to say " just kidding" but I'm not. I want to leave and never come back so I won't hurt my family, but its so hard knowing they need you. But its not the real me.

#gay #depressed #hurt #help #transgender #lesbian #ftm

Leo-chan Aug 2014

who am I?

No I'm not depressed because I'm fat.
No I'm not depressed because I'm being bullied.
No I'm not depressed because I didn't get what I wanted.
But I am depressed but only because of the simple fact that the person I want to be and the person I am are two different genders.
No one wants to help a transgender child.
No one cares if we have feelings or not.
No one understands that the wrong pronouns can upset us.

But when they do...its too late.

#depressed #hurt #boy #transgender #different #ftm

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