All night Ive Just been sitting
here as I blow smoke. I must be a **** comedian  because my life is a joke. My obvious intention is to get ****** up. I am getting closer to self destruct I am just as cold as I am corrupt.  I for a minute lost myself in a blur as I was starting to flicker and fade
Instead of my light dying on it  has stayed. Far from my saving Grace I've strayed. Leading the ghosts I got for the heroes I have decided to trade. Hand well ******* played. I remain unafraid I don't have to sit here and throw shade. This is probably my last escapade. My last ******* crusade. I am a ******* renegade
That can not be ******* saved.
From my intentions I won't be swayed
Once again that enievidable has been delayed.
As the creatures conjure me they betray.
Night terrors rock me in the middle of the day I'm speechless I have nothing left to say
Instead of being good at it I'll only try to behave
what I'm feeling is not to  be displayed.
Listening quietly to the wind serenade.
Thinking back on all the mistakes I have made
The pen mightier than a sharpened stainless steel blade.
Life is still just a ******* cherade. That we've all played. There's a fine line between stupidly and being brave. You can't be the hero if you end up being laid in your grave. To living and dying by the sword you've become a slave. Washed in a ******* tidal wave. I have freely given all I have gave. Now is the perfect time for me to just ******* fade to black
I don't plan on ever ******* come back. That's not brag that's just fact.
Sick of all the chaos that I attract. Even if I am rather in apt I know that there's no doubt I will soon. Adapt.  Here we go again I am starting to feel ******* trapped. Like against me all odds have been stacked. From all angles now I think I am  being attacked. I have to make it out unscathed integrity still intact.
I hear music playing in the background even when the radio isnt on. That probably means that inside my head that something is quite wrong. I just noticed it because I have been this way so **** long. Trying to force myself to belong. Blowing thick clouds as I smoke strong. It's impossible for me to truly move on because I am already ******* gone. I evaporated along with the smoke from the ****. Like the music I always hear in the background I'll play on .

Beats my heart sporadically inside my chest
I know what and how I feel but mere words could never express
I am sick of this seemingly lack of happiness. Peace is just a fabled myth. If it's me you ask for all these years I've sought after it like it was an easy task.
Days seem to go by in a flash.
The beautiful pain burning down til nothing is left but ash.
As the dawn begins to slowly fade like the shadows from the night.
It's entirely possible that my eyes just aren't quite right
I have been gifted with a blessing, a curse of a different kind of sight.
That knows no bounds, no dark, no light
It sees all time both fast forward and behind. Sometimes I think I would rather be blind.
Being separated from these ties that bind
Have me searching for the comfort that very seldom I find. I travel far enough outside of my own mind.
These memories that soon fade into images dark disappearing fast
Were not meant to ******* forever last it does remind us of our past
where it wounds our souls so vast
Such pain we never could have seen in our forecast.
Sometimes my loved ones that are already on the other side tempt me to ride. Ride the pride.
I am hoping God let's all of these transgressions slide.
I try to take it all in great stride.
I struggle to push it all aside
For sometime now I have wanted to reclaim the tears I have cried.
I especially failed although I tried it to no avail.
In vain and desperation I find myself turning in full circles on this carousel.
Until I start to feel rather unwell. To be forever trapped in ones head is a special kind of hell
I want to think I am more than a throwed off character in a disturbing fairy tale. I hate when all the smoke in the room grows stale
Ask me no **** questions and no lies will I sell.
Thick clouds I blow because in fact I smoke strong
I've been standing at this impasse way too **** long
One day I'll figure out exactly where I belong staring off into nothing as I continue to hit the ****.
The person that I once was is now gone.
Perhaps one I'll get something right instead of doing it all wrong
A new rhythm a different melody, another tune
That reminds me that indeed somewhere out there is a neon moon. I go Stark raving mad and start laughing like a ****** toon
It feels like I'm being crushed under the weight of the pending doom
That has me completely closed in inside of the room
So that it is almost as dark as a tomb.
There are no rays of tainted light to cut through the gloom.
Randomly little pieces of myself are beginning to disappear so while looking out windows clear
I wonder if anyone that is there is even really here
The words that I write couldn't be more sincere I hold on tightly to the things I cherish and those that I hold dear.
Hold my throttle, Hold my beer, Hold my sorrow, hold my fear.
Hold me close as I hold you near.
Days often fly by like minutes and sometimes minutes drag on for what feels like days.
Not one of us is perfect we are all set in our own ways. I think I somehow I
fell right into the craze
I find myself reeling in a fantastic daze
Head up in the clouds of a purple haze
This is no passing phase. Silver tongued I can easily coin a phrase.
So often my chosen path leads me astray. The YouTube song list just blares away stuck on replay
As is soothes the savage beast that currently I'm trying to hold at bay.
Every other sentence I write sounds at least to me so cliche
It doesn't matter though no one listens to me anyway
I would much rather rule the night than seize the day.
Every word that is softly utter drips with so much disdain. It would do no **** the good for me to complain.
In this hell of my own creation I am destined to remain
These shadows truly seem like they contain
The more nortious bits of me that are often quite ****** and profane
My world will never again feel the same
Not since I lost my cousin Billy Wayne. To say the least that is a **** shame. Rather it's another Dimension or a different plane
I am here just writhing in the pain. It leaves me often as start to entertain these thoughts so **** inhumane. It's not an action that I could even explain. It all rattles around loudly inside my brain. I am not sane going crazy I am only crazy when I go sane. I thank God for this Mary Jane I have wrapped in cellophane.
A rose that you call by another name is just as sweet for it smells the same
Sometimes I wonder if I am really fine when talking to inanimate objects myself I often find
They say to error is human but to forgive is divine.
I believe that with this whole heart of mine.
I push down so **** deep all of this emotion
Pushing it deeper than the deepest ocean
Truly alive now where at one time I was just going through the motion.
What's going on there seems to be a lot of commotion
It's like somehow I was the one that was chosen. in a Single moment I was frozen
our destiny's are already woven
That sent a spark that triggered the implosions
That have broken me wide open
Sometimes I think that all of  us human are bound to make mistake after mistake
In my very ******* wake I leave everything on completely devastate
Especially as of late I have no doubt these problems of mine I alone create.
More often than not it's when I am not thinking straight and I am unable to concentrate
Life is what I complicate when these evil thoughts I contemplate
Feelings go ignored unable to regulate
The voices inside of head spark a debate
As their meetings I facilitate
I hate to hurry up just so that I can wait
I can't help but to ******* self medicate
Isn't addiction just great
When the voices I hear in my head adopt plans of homicide them I must exonerate
I try at least to keep them half *** on sedate
I'm a **** up you're **** straight
I've made a mess of my mental state
I don't wish to repeat my history
I have more than enough pain and misery
If just someone could save myself from me
Save myself from me and set me ******* free
There are so many things I  knowingly suppress
Still quite a few issues that I need to address
I just don't want to end up beginning to obsess digging in deep inside of my brains recess until I finally just ******* regress
Another world I see when I look towards the wild blue yonder as off this yellow brick road I begin to wander
There are deep thoughts I often ponder
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
I don't know what else I should say perhaps I've already said it all
Hopefully I will be able to stand tall perhaps if I move I will not falter nor will I fall. I just pray that this time I don't end up losing my mind in the bathroom stall of some forgotten yet rather ungodly hall
I strive to do better, to be more, to keep in sight what I am fighting for
Reminding myself as well as others that God opens a window when he closes a door.
I have no doubt I can feel it deep down inside my very core
We all wonder sometimes what kind of fate Destiny has in store
To God in heaven I implore
Please I can't handle going through anything painful anymore
Just like I am standing still time passes me right by
That is when I'm in desperate need of iron clad alibi
Some sort of fabricated fiction or even a down right lie
Would be better than saying I was out somewhere climbing higher to get myself high
Forever chasing smoke clouds and spirits but I don't know why
With all of my sin
I must contend
Not giving up but pushing on until the end. I hope that when I blowing in the rising wind I don't break that I just bend
Family decision we all have a different vision
All of us diseased by some sort of addiction
This woebegone tale is fact Instead of fiction
In fact it appears to be a family tradition
I myself am on another mission
To rewrite our story a drug free edition.
I am done I've said just about all I care to say tonight
My soul I truly did outpour with every word that I did write
Finally dwindling down the flames burning in my hell aren't so bright, they only slightly illuminate the night. I am higher than a ******* kite but that is quite alright for it is time for bed sweet dreams and good night don't let the bed bugs bite.

Heavy on my mind all these thoughts have weighed.
  Instead of being good just try to behave.
Life is really just a ******* charade
Everyone always trying to throw shade.
Randomly the memories just invade
as I am attempting to evade.
It's here that I cannot be swayed
for every lost soul I have Prayed.
I continue to masquerade
as down my face the tears cascade.
Listening on!y to the wind deep in its seranade.
I travel on this my own escapade,
probably my final crusade.
I have never been ***** made.
I remain unafraid.
I'm a ******* renegade.
I hope all my transgressions I hope have been forgave.
I may be a sinner faithless but I am washed in the blood of Jesus so I'm someone you cannot enslave. It's still a hand that has been well played.

Cold chills run up and down my spine like someone is a walking on my grave.
Me from myself can someone attempt to ******* save.
This dirt road I took it on myself to just have it paved. Far from it's beaten path I have strayed.
My hero's for ghosts I really did trade.
I think perhaps my welcome I have over stayed.
There is still blood staining my switchblade.
To pitch black I'm here just trying to fade
Every year that passes feels like it has been a decade. By the creatures that I conjured I have been betrayed. Covering the  stench is death's bouquet.
I can still smell the corpses as they decay.
No one listens to me anyway.
Every other sentence so cliche.  
Falling from the sky mayday mayday, mother ******* daymay.
I refuse to put myself on display.
Like a flame burning out I flicker til I am blown away.

Thick clouds I tend to blow for I just keep smoking strong.
I am trying to just keep moving on.
The person I used to be, She is long
gone.
Searching out the place she might feel like finally she does belong.
Rather it been right or just plan wrong
Up all ******* night long
I stare off into nothing just ripping the ****.
Grass always greener  when it is Someone else 's lawn.
Brains over brawn.
I have gave chase to what I think could have been a supernatural phenomenon.
Someone help me catch this ******* leprechaun.

I have been through so ******* much that I still I am writhing in ******* pain.
Mere words alone just could never truly explain.  
The sorrow that not even both my heart and soul can seem to contain.
Every word I utter drips with much disdain.
It's really quiet a **** shame.
Not one single things every remains the same.
I often find the thoughts so inhumane
are usually the ones I attempting to entertain.
I talk to spirits that exist in a completely different plane.
I am not sane going crazy I  am only crazy when I go sane.
A rose that you call by another name  emits a fragrance just the same
Hazel -Green eyes can't even cry in the ******* rain. Twisted thoughts keep rattling around in brain.
It's so hard for me to try and maintain
unless I have Mary Jane.
**** it Cuz. I still ******* you Billy Wayne.

The calamity of the chaos is in very creation.
These drugs I use for everyday recreation.
I get the highest in the lowest location.
I have no idea how far away is my destination
I don't even have a rough ******* estimation
How quickly begins the so called escalation
When It is already a dangerous situation
I have prayed for a life changing transformation
Instead of the possibility of eternal damnation
I'm currently actively seeking solace as well as salvation

A cause that was somehow better off being lost you see
The only person that I actually aspire to be is just me
I m not sure that I have become just who I am suppose to be
That's just part of this so-called  broken ******* mentality
That has led the way to my very distorted sense of reality
Placing all these principles before such varied personalities
How could I create such a travesty and tragically
Throw a ******* from a balcony so ******* casually
Callously creating another casualty. A ******* brutality
It's another ******* fatality  that has become an actuality

Right out of my fabricated skies, I have a bird's eye view.
If I was ever to be a shining example it would be a lesson in what not to do
What the right way is I can honestly say I haven't a clue
I'm just going to continue to do what I am used to
Then when I get the to fire I'll just walk right through
Surprisingly enough the times I've ended up getting burned are very few
In indelible ink your book has been written. just as in blood mine has thus far been penned
From the very beginning to where it will someday finally end
Words I have whispered have been carried off by the rising wind There have a few people I once met that I never heard From again
You tell me is that an epic fail or a solid win
I really do not know I guess it would just depend
I have lost myself somewhere in this world of make believe and pretend
It's so much better than the broken reality I once lived in
With these demons of mine I must contend
Before I break I.just wonder just how much I can actually bend
The room is perfumes with the scents of sweat *** and
sin
Way down deep I hide this pain within

Now is the time I may need someone to be an iron clad alibi
Rather they spin a fabricated work of fiction or tell a down right lie
I'm sure it sounds better than I was out climbing higher just to get myself high
I am here still chasing smoke clouds and spirits yet I don't know why
I keep trying to separate me from myself and I
I tried to go back and reclaim every tear I did once cry
Never once could  I ever get passed the by and by
Cuz I swear when you passed a part of my soul did actually die
High as **** through these tragic skies I fly

I tried not shed  not one more tear but the grief the sadness and the pain combined sent me a message that was all too clear
In these Windows bare tainted moonlight shines is anyone that a there right now even really here.
Hey hold my throttle, hold my beer
So for just one more moment I can hold close as those I hold dear.
I wonder is the end really drawing near.
I ******* miss you cuz
These words I write have never been so sincere
I must be losing my mind bits of me are starting to disappear
It feels like it's been at least a decade since the passing of yesteryear
I have pretty much made it my career
To sit here until the dust settles and the smoke begins to clear
This whole **** time I've as here in low -gear
Guarding this premiere of wayward life on this forgotten frontier
If I was truly a long lived Pioneer
Easily I would persevere
I would ride though quite sincere
Warning others like a modern  day Paul revere

The dead do not see they just seemingly seem to stare
The secrets that I harbor to ever seem  Spill I will not dare.
emotions that are just as raw as they are bare
Feelings i do not care to share
I don't have a minute that I can even spare
My heart is sinking into the depths of my very despair
The pain I feel there is nothing that can compare
I  could burn the whole world down with a solid flare
I know the places I have been but the places I will go I don't know where
Tension  is so thick in the air
I can't hear anything but the music blare.
Even though I am wide awake I fall into nightmare
Nefarious shadows seem to be lurking everywhere
of these dangers please try to be aware

Thick clouds of smoke I blow because I tend to smoke rather strong
So rather this be right or this be ******* wrong
Awake I have been  all night long
Just staring off into the nothing hitting the ****
This seems to be the place that I actually belong
I have tried my **** best just to move on
I hate to admit it but the person I used to be, She's long gone
She left right  before the break of dawn
Inside of herself she had already withdrawn
The greenest of all grass is usually someone else's lawn
Here I am. I am just rambling on and on
Off into the wild blue yonder I wander when l stepped off of the yellow brick road
They say if you never slow down  you'll never grow old
I guess I am ready it is time to *******  lock and load
Like laundry I know when to fold
The older I grow end up just much more corrupt  I am cold
If you hadnt asked me any questions no lies would I have sold
the bombs in my head simultaneously explode
I have come to a crossroad
p time in this earth is just in fact borrowed
The sinister darkness it does seem to forbode
Around the lost souls I have quietly tiptoed
Teetering on the very brink of psychotic episode
Cracks big enough to hide bodies in are in my moral code
I will reap just what I have already  sowed
my mind is already on complete overload
No one has to tell me I already know that I am thrower
I went straight off into beast mode
Everything about me is completely uncontrolled
Into the dark dead night So alone I've stro!let
My location  undisclosed
Corpses of mine enemies are starting to decompose
I suppose that's just the way that it goes
Who really ******* knows
I have been indisposed I am no doubt unopposed
Yes I really am one of those
Awake for days on end now I am starting to doze.
I've got places I need to go
Buzzing off of these highs and lows
Please no more tells of woe.
Let's just listen to rock and roll
While we rock the bowl

leaving some of us wishing that we were dead.
some slivers of images that have come to pass
flying by, haunting for they never seem to last
Teardrops fall full of so much pain
masquerading as unpredicted rain.
like shattered glass rain down torn bits of my soul
The comfort I have found comes from rocking this bowl

My heart is beating inside my chest so sporadically,
my thoughts are twisting up quite erratically
Who knew that my life would be affected so dramatically.
it was almost ******* automatically.
Everything  progressed so drastically.
I did everything that I did quite savagely.
It was all turning out fantastically.  
who knew my story would be so poetic tragically.
Did you know I was a walking talking catastrophe.
so of course There a parts of my life quite unsatisfactory

Confusion sets in
where to begin
uncomfortable in own skin
Buried deep within
scent of *** and sin
Cannot let them in
will never let them win
Insanity over again
beginning of the end

I was born with a lyrical mind
All of the **** time
I write **** out in lines, Lyrics and rhymes
Someone like me would **** sure be hard to find
For I am sick, twisted and one of a kind
I have a lot of issues, I wish I could just leave behind
We already know time is not something that we can rewind
My character was assassinated now I'm hard to define
**** this unhealthy lifestyle of mine

This **** fairytale
Is demented as hell
I turn full circles on the carousel  
Until I start feeling rather unwell
Hoping I don't fall into these worlds somehow parallel
I really tried but to no **** avail
I would have to say that's an epic fail
My mind has been a prison that for so long kept me well
To spend 24/7 in your head is a special kind of hell
Inside of the nefarious demons dwell
Ask me no questions and no lies will I sell

I ride across the desert but unlike the horse I have no name
A rose called something else would smell just the same
I admit mere words alone could never begin to explain
This strange rattling I hear inside my brain
I'm not sane going crazy because I'm only crazy when I go sane
I am just here writhing in all of this pain
Rather I'm in a different dimension or just on another plane
It doesn't matter because nothing feels like its the same
Ain't that just a ****** shame
These **** thoughts that a pretty much inhumane
Are sometimes all I seem to ever entertain
**** It I miss you more and more everyday Billy Wayne

I am just a **** up getting ****** up to **** up I am rather inclined
I guess that's just the way that fate has always had it designed
I keep traveling outside the parameters of my own **** mind
Searching for something I will probably never ******* find
in the sinister darkness I find myself strolling blind
looking for the path to which I have been assigned
These memories of mine serve to remind
That bound by blood I am to these ties that bind

I blow out thick clouds, I smoke strong
It seems to sometimes help, e to just carry on
Especially when at this impasse I have stood way too **** long
Staring Off into the the nothing pretending that nothing is wrong
Just steadily hitting the **** ****
wondering where it is that I ******* belong
Whoever I once was that person is now long gone
LIke a **** cartoon I have been ******* drawn
Just chilling wide awake in the wee hours before dawn
Inside of myself I have almost completely withdrawn

Most of the **** time I am no doubt higher than a kite
Still mess with me and I'll cut you from ******* to appetite
They have always said that my eyes just aren't quite right
The hurt in my soul I pour out with every word that I write
The White Hot flames in my hell **** sure burn bright
As I hide my self away in the shadows of the darkest part of the night
You cannot take me down at least not without a hell of a fight

I am a hermit, I am a recluse
This **** drug abuse
Is just a crutch that I use
Neck in the ******* noose'
What's good for the gander
Is good for the goose
Wish these demons would just turn me loose
Like a time bomb that someone needs to diffuse
I have somewhat gone right back to my ******* roots
For the **** that I have done I have no **** excuse
SO before you wage war on me can we call a truce
Or would you just ******* refuse

Inside good and evil seem to coincide
I'm out reclaiming all those tears that I have cried
Trying the best I can to take it all in stride
It's myself that I always seem to be beside'
The real me I tend to always ******* hide
I'm someone's ride or die that dying to ride
I want to ride the ******* pride
please Dear God let these transgressions slide
So I can see my Cuz on the other ******* side
I know I failed but I really ******* tried
My tragedies and catastrophes seem to just collide
my patience is rather short supplied
There's very few left in which I feel I could ever confide'

Like shards of shattered glass rain down these torn bits of my soul
Colder and more corrupt I am the older that I grow
So incomplete now that I couldn't ever again feel whole
I am spiraling fast right out of ******* control
As for awhile now I have been impossible to console
Trying to soothe my savage beast with loud rock and roll
This pain inside of me is something I can't seem to let go
Falling straight down into another ******* rabbit hole
I find comfort in rocking this ****** bowl

Hole inside of my soul that nothing and no one could ever fill
I am nothing if I am not at least attempting to be ******* real
Even though I self medicate and numb what I don't want to feel
Will the wounds that I seem to forever carry ever begin to heal
Everything surrounding me always seems so **** surreal
My best kept secrets never would I ever dare to spill
Before God in prayer I continue to kneel
Fountain pen still mightier than stainless blades of sharpened steel
I do my very best never to even begin to reveal
All the pain that I desperately try just to conceal
I personally just do not seem the whole appeal
I think perhaps I have gotten the short end of this raw deal
Now I am standing here feeling rather ******* ill

A mess I have made of my whole **** life, What a waste'
Maybe I am just that a waste of ******* space
The cold emptiness is something I am attempting to embrace
For every time I fall so far from this side of saving grace
I end up just trying to somehow just save face
Stuck right here in this pythons place
Where things I used to pursue now gives ******* chase
Catching up to me so quickly It's like I am standing in place
What have I become? How could I be such a **** disgrace
There memories I cherish that I can never ever seem to replace
All of these mistakes that I have made that I just cannot erase

I am just a sinner that has in fact been rather faithless
Running though time that is for a fact completely fadeless
I am running from the ghosts I got for Heroes traded that are now faceless
Even when it has been proven I have side stepped destined greatness
I am thankful that God Remains so gracious
Our sins seem to just enslave us
From ourselves there is no one out that can save us
I am not at all one of those that are courageous
My valor isn't one of those that have been seen as contagious
I am just part of the bloodstained spaces of this forsaken oasis

On empty today runs my so called devotion,
even if my emotions are still quite deeper than the ocean.
I guess I was basically chosen
in this moment I was chosen
to be frozen.
Into my very soul
my greatest love has been interwoven.
who knows me better than I do ?
The answer is suppose to be not one.
One slip of the tongue could leave me completely undone.
The insanity of it all has already begun.
I am so ******* spun.
I leave everyone on stun.
I keep on repeating my mistakes like I am a ******* rerun.
I reinforce my rules with my shotgun.
You can not ******* fix me because believe it or not I am not that kind of broken.
My inner beast has already been awoken.
I am waiting on the implosion
that's going to break me wide open.
Everything else from me has been stolen
I guess I will go see what's up with all this commotion I  stepped outside and I went into a convulsions
the fire burned from several white hot explosions.
**** that I had almost forgotten that quite fatal are my ******* emotions

I remember well when I learned that  it doesn't lessen the pain if you allow the tears to fall since then it has been almost 20 years and I now seldomnly do I cry at all.  im a perfect  **** up  that's  perfectly ****** up  and I fall right back into yesterday but I was ****** up then too so it's quite okay.

desperately I am seeking solace and salvation. I need to be released from this Hell of my own creation. I tried to take step back so could assess the situation. I know that I'm seeking life changing transformation although I cannot offer any kind of explanation.

I haven't yet quite forgotten that I am indeed a bad *****.
I don't ******* like it when I have to flip that switch
I pray it all goes off without a ******* hitch.
**** sure don't need to be trapped inside of another ******* glitch.

I was taught better than the way I sometimes react  truthfully in fact
against me all the odds have been stacked II brace myself for the impact. Praying I will come out of this unscathed  integrity intact I
things aren't quite what I am used to but I'll adapt. Even if I almost snapped
when I realized I was being ******* laughed at.  
I no l longer have to live like  that.
I have no reservations about ******* fighting back


The things that once I did actively pursue  now are what gives me chase
Uthey catch up so quickly it's like I am running in place. I am always falling so **** far from this side of that saving grace that i am constantly just trying to save face.

A sinner faithless trapped in a time that is fadeless God he is so gracious even when we have been  side stepping our destined greatness thankful  to still be in his good  graces. With the ghosts  for the heroes I traded I could be trading places

Painted faces
Vacant spaces
Fatal cases
Faded pages
Lost hope
Exhaust smoke
glass bowl
or whole
Flowers grow
powers flow
Hours ago      
Our soul
Family's position
Family decision
Family's addiction
Family tradition

Woefully tragic and that ****** up ****
I don't have to like my past and I don't not even a little ******* bit
Maybe one I'll ******* get over it
Until then I don't even give a ****
To the dome I take every hit
Attempting to get ******* lit
Doubt I'll ever ******* quit
These are the puzzle pieces that just seem to fit
I am not someone that's easy to forget alone in this darkness I intend to sit
at least I am not a ******* hypocrite
nor am I counterfeit
My wrist I have contemplated attempting to slit
when at the end of my very wit

Crazy thoughts run through my mind
of times that I thought I'd left behind
but bound I am by blood to these ties that bind
time isn't something that I can rewind
i travel outside the parameters of my mind searching for something I'll never find

I follow the shadows just as still as they are dark
constantly stabbing myself with jagged bits of my broken heart
So easy it is for me to fall completely apart
It's been that way from the very start

Bombarded by the memories that were not meant to last
as time passes by me so **** fast
A hole in my soul that's so **** vast
a tragic ending I can't seem to ever get passed.

Mindful that words can cut like a knife
why do I insist on living this kind of life

I am living like I am already three fourths dead
all these visions trapped inside of my head
Humanity I don't have a ******* shred
the disease of addiction in so wide spread

Rattling around inside of my skull
my vessel is nothing more than an empty hull
I once was silver now I am tarnished beginning to dull i
n conversation there is now a lull

picked to pieces I chose to idol
I am not stupid nor am I suicidal
my emotions wash over me like waves of tidal
I am my own rival
I am only interested in survival.
Heartbeat is something that is vital
maybe my stories will one day go viral.

Tomorrow isn't promised and today is a day I shouldn't waste
I do so anyway even if I do it in haste
My ghosts for the heroes traded have chased
Like they have challenged me to beat them I raced
The consequences I have faced
these mistakes that have never been erased. This side of goodness never have I graced

Life is like a ******* free throw,
you've got to know,
just when to let **** go.
Cold and barren is my very soul.
I get colder the older I grow.
Looking like a freak show,
that's out of control
I'm impossible to console.
Got up and went has gone my get up and go.
Not my first ******* rodeo.
Yet still I take it slow.
Turn up the radio,
I am afraid so,
don't **** up the status quo.
Rock the boat to and fro
rock and roll in stereo
rock a ******* bowl
the formalities I forego.
I hide away in a shadow
laid low
language as colorful as a rainbow
in the darkness I blindly stroll
so incomplete that I can never be whole please can I have a drumroll
as I tunnel down another rabbit hole
get caught up in the undertow
heave ******* **
the afterglow.
I belong way down below.
What comes next hell I dunno.
Riding ******* solo
take the low blow
even so take the evening slow
do as I ******* say so
travel to the places even angels fear to go gung **
geranimo
enemies start to fall like a Domino.
Although
I have reached a different plateau
bravo.
Hands down I am number one
I cannot be outdone.
I can't stop what's already begun
you will die tired if you try to run
I am ******* spun
I do this **** for fun
I don't need a gun
my baseball bat is set on stun
the games I have won.
Mercy I ******* have none
I'm almost ******* done.
Take it straight to the dome
higher than a drone
better leave my *** alone
bad to the bone
your ******* I will not condone
spinning like a cyclone
my mind is blown
whoever I was once was is long gone another demon's spawn
like a cartoon I've been drawn.
Waiting on the break of dawn
brains over brawn
grass always green when it's someone else's lawn
I am not just another pawn
even up the score
leave them wanting more
who knows what lies in store
rotten to the very core
to the heavens I implore
guts blood and galore
walk right out the door
I don't need you anymore.
I am command
do as I demand
things keep getting out of hand
hand over the contraband
you don't seem to understand
chasing dragons in my ******* Neverland nothing ever goes as I had planned.
Short attention span
now get in the ******* van
we've got a job to do
stop acting as if you are brand new
chased by the things we did once pursue. Don't you have a ******* clue
I trust very few
well really just two
if one isn't me what makes you think the other one is you
out of the clear blue
I see you clearly in my rear view
the situation you did badly misconstrue
on the horizon so blue
come someone no one knew
give the devil his due
let the sharpened blade of steel run through. Another day another dollar or so they say not that it matters not to me anyway
it all sounds so **** cliche
same old ******* **** just on a different day. Is that not always the way
hell to ******* pay
over the game we ******* play
can't keep the demons at bay
we all seem to go so far astray
cigarette burning the window sill joint laying in the ashtray
song list stuck on replay
nothing golden here long enough to stay can't you smell the stench of decay
cover it now with death's most fragrant bouquet.
At least until the spirits fades the **** away I know I am just out trying to get faded seeing through eyes so jaded
attempting to appear somewhat educated. Self medicated
half *** sedated
not enough religion to be loved just enough to be hated
never once have I hesitated
I've just hurried up and then I've waited.
My heroes for ghosts have been traded underestimated
even when I have concentrated
I have made things so much more complicated
the **** I have comtemplated
this **** is over ******* rated
it's all in the mistakes that I have made
even though I'm unafraid
my welcome I have overstayed
the pen mightier than the sharpened blade
a true ******* renegade
on a final escapade
in a shallow grave we'll all be laid
as we have fallen prey
to the ones who will slay us all one day.
I'm silver now tarnished dull and turning grey
not who I portray
myself I betray
life full of discord everything in such disarray
nothing on display
so without further delay
I give it all away
another day has come and gone just that fast
haunted by the memories that never seem to last
bombarded by fragments of the past
hole in my soul so **** vast.
The crowd is amassed
they've all been aghast
everyone is out getting trashed
before my eyes my life has flashed
pitch black when everything crashed
looking for what I had stashed
half *** smashed
perfectly ****** up I'm ****** up all the time
outside the parameters of my own **** mind
time I cannot rewind
bound by blood to these ties that bind searching for something I doubt I will ever find
trying to keep it kind
what does fate have desgined
the stars have aligned
which path have I been assigned
a character I've been wrongly defined.
To **** **** up I am rather inclined
far be it for me to be the one to remind
that the past I can't leave behind
in chalk the bodies have already been outlined.
It's about time for me to ******* go I believe don't be so ******* nieave
it's not that hard to conceive
it's getting harder and harder to breathe
I must take my leave
I was given a reprieve
I have no time left to grieve
into the oceans water the ****** weapon I heave
feels like the world's weight on my shoulders I'm attempting to heft
cant get right I've went so far left.
This case is open and shut
I am stuck in a rut
out in the open like a sitting duck
spitting out the pieces of my broken luck
the definition of disorderly conduct
ready to just ******* erupt.
That much more corrupt
falling from the sky in a manner that is quite abrupt
don't you dare to interrupt
just do precisely as I instruct
if I don't I am ****** if I do I am ******
out in the storm trying to get thunderstruck reeking havoc and running amuck
in this addict's mindset I am stuck
this wall took me years to construct
justice I obstruct
your senses I abduct
I am just about ready now to self Destruct. Free falling from the sky in a tail spin
this may very well be a battle I will never win uncomfortable as I am in my own **** skin air perfumed with the scent of *** and sin notify my next of kin
that I am headed to the ****** bin
for trying to slay the beast with a bobby pin
insanity is doing the same **** over and over again
a foe hell no I am a fiend my friend
this is the beginning of the end
with my inner beast I must contend
even if I do not seem to comprehend
try to defend my world of pretend
really is this the way around the river bend into the crowd I blend
no more broken hearts to mend
further down I decend
time to make amends
ready to say amen
just so it can all begin again
the battle no one will ever win
I leave here not Nessa but Silver her evil twin.