You beat up yourself
militarizing doubts.
but I can offer you
some good armor.
I give many pieces
but you must equip them.
Please hear and equip
because my heart is breaking for you.

I am from my birth pillow.
I am from loneliness, sadness...
spaciness...
...I was always looking for something.

I am from dandelions and tall, tall grass.
The breeze sifted through the yard, and the
blades swayed in perfect synchrony.

I am from Christmas Eve at Grandpa's
house, and the low status gifts.  From
****** communication.  From stones, and Nelsons.

I am from living in fear,
and abandonment.  From,"You're like him."
And luckily from, "You weren't MEANT to fit in."

I am from the cross and communion, and then
realizing I cannot see his face in nature's mirror.
With my own reflection being distorted by the glass.

I am from Illinois, and Scandinavian blood...
From potato soup and at times, nothing.
I am from her absence, and how fast she left.

I am from burnt up, few remaining, and rare pictures.
I am from toys I once collected, now melted.  The pillow
I had now gone.

I am from the feeling I had a consumerists mark
on the world, but my impression is more.  More than
toys or things, I have who I am.  My memories.

I have my worth.

It's hard being someone
and even harder
being you

Some days I think I love myself..
Some days I think I’m trying to love myself..
Some days I think I’ll never love myself..
Under this Oscillation ,
burning at the pit of my stomach
is a constant awareness-
I’m yet to, truly love myself..

He pointed at the curve where my mass should be.
The skinny line wherein the whole of my being should fit--
based on what a man in a lab coat said once.
He dashed a tiny spec above it, where I was.
Out of line.
Not fitting in.
Against the rules.
I counted the tiny squares that separated me from my belonging...
… one... two... three...
Three squares from worthiness.
Three squares wrong.
Three squares from deserving love.
Three squares from good enough.
I stared at that dot a man drew for me and discovered brokenness.
I was five.

When I was drinking an drugging I wanted to feel numb
It was my friend
It was faithful
It made me steal to support my habit
Even though I was hurting loved
I was thinking of my own self an my needs
I was lost didn't know who I was
I was trying to find myself through my drinking an drugging
People begged me to stop but I didn't listen
I was thinking of my own selfish needs
Ideas mean an bitter to others
An when I got sick an tired. I didn't know witch direction I was going because I was lost
An when I realized who I was an what I was doing I hated myself
An when I got help
I took day by day, second by second
An after awhile of being sober
It helped me realize that I'm a wonderful person
I'm able to accept things better
An I'm able to look in the mirror now an see my own beauty an how far I came
I love myself now
We are not alone
We have each other to count on
Written by Julie Ann David