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Kyla 5d
merrily through this world we go
purging in every toilet bowl
lol
Em May 13
i yearn for control,
take it into my own hands.
i control the lack of food,
let only my own metal draw red.
‘why would someone do that to themselves?’
i truly don’t understand their lack of understanding,
for it is oh so simple.
there’s no choice.
when the thoughts in your head grow too loud,
they break out,
morph into a multitude of monsters.
whether it be my blade - my oldest friend - or the scale, a newer addition.

surely i have developed Stockholm syndrome,
how else do you make sense of the
comfort, peace, and familiarity
found with my monsters?
thy blade only does showcases my deterioration, it in itself is of no real harm.
that, i must tell myself.

my monsters mean well, surely.

they only mean to help.
i’m begging for the next
“u good?”,
because maybe this time,
i’ll have the courage for honestly.
maybe this time,
my thought may finally
lose.

a long shot,
i’m aware.
but a shots better than a cut any day,
so much nicer,
quicker and simpler.
what a way to go out,
stain the floor forevermore.
really it’s a question of what hue
will coat it for eternity.
royal, majestic maroon,
or busy mush
from deep within my “brain”.
miss having one of those.
Anailen Apr 18
there is nothing poetic about the way i take up space
I hate how much space I take up
C Mar 29
I wonder if I will let myself eat cake on my birthday?
I don’t want 25 to be the year that I waste away.


Every sprinkle

is a number,

every morsel

fuels my hunger.


In the mirror,
stands my executioner.
Day three of swallowing the guilt
C Feb 15
Is it my voice, or yours, that I hear
When I pick up a knife and fork and put
It straight back down because
I haven’t earned my reward?

Are they my eyes, or yours, that trick me
Into thinking I’ve gained immense amounts of weight,
Even though my clothes hang loose and
I’ve lost two inches off my waist?

*

It’s ironic,
this disease;
it eats away at me.
The malignancy consumes me.
Recovery and progress are not linear, but they are near.
Millee Jan 14
Why would I eat if the lies inside me fill me up? 'Til there's nothing but half-truths trapped inside. I plead, scream, beg for someone to hear my cry but it's locked deep within me.
The pain I feel when I look in the mirror; why? Why do I hate myself?
Hate my hair,
my hips,
my thighs,
my stomach,
my smile.
I won't look anymore.
I can't bear to see who's staring back.
Shatter the mirror!
Distort the already broken image.
How much more damage could I do to myself before I'm through?
The scale wails when I approach; the fourth time in a day. When the numbers fall, I let out a sigh of relief, but when they rise…
What can I do?
What would you do if you couldn't be you?
Everyone's words are pointless. If its not the voice inside my head it doesn't matter. Nothing can satisfy my need to feel empty—to feel proud of the monster I’d become.
cleo Dec 2022
we were only kids
thirteen and twelve
you'll never understand the grief you caused--
i lost myself

adrift in a world of nightmares flashing always, never ceasing
you had me on the run
from everything that i was thinking, wanting, feeling

tracking calories and body weight to regain control
spiraled into darkness with drugs and alcohol

my head is and was and always will be such a mess
i swear i screamed out NO but all you heard was Yes

~

what the **** happened to you

and, more importantly,

what happened to me?
Ahlam Jan 8
Cheers to the mirror cracked and unkind
to the hunger that pampered comfort into my mind

cheers to the days when fullness felt like sin
when the emptiness begged and I let it in

cheers to the scars on my skin
ones I wish could fade
only to return
tied to my fate
you're loved regardless of what you look like
Myrrdin Dec 2024
This is the sweet spot
No sweet tooth again
Needing less from me
I'll be less than I should
C Nov 2024
“But I was so much skinnier back then,
And I looked so much better”
I hear myself say.
But I was drinking three meal replacement shakes a day
And passing out after running 3k.
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