the pain.

she envied the movie star like glistening smile.

she wanted to be like the girls who were carefree.

she wanted to be beautiful.

but beautiful to her was thin.

it started when someone called her fat.

"am I?" she wondered.

so she starved herself, maybe eating a ******* or two after mama told her.

but she spit them back up because she couldn't help it.

she wanted to be like the pretty school cheerleaders.

and she hated herself.

each time she stepped on the scale she cried.

the numbers soon went from 88 to 89

"im doing it wrong" she thought.

and she continued on going day by day with water.

swallowing and spitting back up.

eating more and more.

and spitting it back up.

she was slowly going insane, day by day.

she started slicing her wrists like meat.

she started crying herself to sleep.

she became empty of adrenaline.

she didn't want to wake up anymore.

i guess you could say that

pain, is an understatement.

You say, "I ate so much I want to go anorexic"
You don't know
but I'm anorexic
I'm a loose cannon
Doctor says I'm gonna die any day now
but I can't stop
All I think about is food, and calories,
and how good my hip bones would look if I was only 5 pounds lighter
I have no friends anymore.
But I'm surprised.
Even I hate me.
Even I don't want to hang out with me.
I have no life besides sitting at home thinking about carbs
As dead as I look from the outside I feel more dead inside
As cold as I am all the time, my heart is colder.
So don't you dare say you want this life
Don't say this is desirable
Because its not..


I hate myself.
If only I was skinnier...

When I was little I use to get sick a lot
I would sleep sitting up, or on the tile in the bathroom.
I would cry for my mom in the night as my stomach rids itself of the food I had eaten that day.

When I was little I use to stand in front of the mirror
I would turn from side to side, stand on my toes and **** in
I would cry to my mom, I thought I was fat. She told me I had a wide rib cage and I cried harder because that meant there was no hope.

When I was a little older I use to watch what I ate at lunch
I would sit with my boyfriend and his friends, I covered my mouth after each bite.
I would always be sure to leave food on my plate, and I never got sweets when I sat with them.
I would cry to myself- I thought for sure they were judging me by my plate

Now, I still stand in front of the mirror with tears streaming down my cheeks
I never eat breakfast or lunch, and I eat half my dinner.
I no longer cry for my mom when I rid myself of any food I have eaten-
instead I pray that she can't hear.

It's not like you wake up one day

     and you suddenly hate every inch.

It happens gradually
    
     an inch at a time.

I remember where mine started

    and how it grew like wild fire.

Until it consumed me
  
     an inch at a time.

It wasn't even good anymore
It was just a
HABIT
To fill the empty
VOID.

A glue that I mistakingly
thought would
hold all of my
BROKEN
pieces together.

This pain inside of me is
DEEP
and
UNRELENTING
Burning with endless
REGRET.

This is what I feel
24
hours
a
day.

Everything is an
ACT.
Every positive thought
I must
PUSH
through my brain
as if
lifting
a
HOUSE.

This has been my struggle
All day long,
EVERYDAY
for
21 years.

Fighting and slaying and eventually saying
"I give!  I give!"
to my
RELENTLESS
Dragons.

By nightfall I am
EXHAUSTED.
Dreading the continuous
BATTLE
of tomorrow, the next day, the next, the next....

It's an endless merry-go-round of
GROUNDHOG DAY.
The same battle
The same
DEFEAT
most everyday.

How to escape?

The therapist told me (21 years ago)
She saw women's lives
RUINED
and
LOST
and turned
UPSIDE DOWN
and
INSIDE OUT
over the endless years they've been
SURVIVING
this
DISORDER.

And I thought mine was just a phase.....

And I thought I was getting better

      but then I woke up on the tile

the water had lost its heat and the burn had moved to my throat

Hey you,
I know your heart is hurting. I know you feel like nobody understands. I know you feel alone in your struggle. I know you're tired of pretending like everything is OK. You tell people you're fine, but on the inside you're screaming out for help. While the world is having their silent night, you're having your silent battle. The thought of tomorrow doesn't bring you joy because you feel your best days were in your yesterdays. Your eyes are heavy, but your soul is peace-less. Dreams only hurt more so sleep has become your enemy. Fear drives your thoughts, not faith. The fear life won't get better. The fear loneliness will never leave your presence. The fear your prayers aren't received. Be thankful for your struggle because it's making you stronger than ever. I know you can't see it right now, but you surviving everything you've been through is going to be HOPE for so many lives. This world needs you. Find the FAITH to keep fighting. It will get better. I love you. Victory is yours.

"Rejoice in your sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope." Romans 5:3-4

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." -Isaiah 43:2

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

The peace you're search for, you already have.
-Trent #RehabTime

Kick me while I'm down.
Beat me til I'm spitting blood.
Let me beg for mercy
Tell me I'm too ****** up to love.
Watch me fall apart.
Hand me the blade to cut myself.
Pour the ***** in my soul.
Tell me I'm too gone to help.
Tie my hair back,
As you push my fingers down my throat.
Watch me cry and hate myself.
Tell me I'm stupid to emote.
Batter me With misery
I'm just a *******.
I'm nothing more than a waste of space,
So treat me like it.