For Katie & James
It’s so easy to talk, it’s so easy to compare, but you aren’t the one that is standing there, feeling myself slip through the crack, worried that I might not come back.
And as I sit there doing nothing in particular with a stack of schoolwork piled up on my desk, I can feel it eating into me like a weight on my chest.
I can feel myself wasting time and I sit there not knowing why.
So, I wait, do something else but as soon as I finish that menial task, I come back to a pile of work that seems so much taller than before.
So, I repeat and repeat until there is nothing left to do, so I look around and suddenly I see you.
Food the saviour to all my problems, your there wrapped up in plastic ready for consumption, always.
You never break my heart and you rarely disappoint.
Whenever I need a text or a call the I will never receive, your there to fill the gaping hole I feel inside.
So, I eat to fill the hole, and for a split second I feel happy, content and I don’t feel empty, sad and lonely, like I am spiralling out of control down some lonely gaping hole.
But then it comes back, and I feel lonely once again, the hole now ten times bigger.
So, I eat, and I eat, and I eat even more, till I’m left crying on the bathroom floor, my guilt eating me up and the hole even bigger.
wishing that the ground would swallow me up, wishing someone would just pull the trigger.
