And the rustling of dark green leaves that play to me like piano keys

So many consecutive sentences I'd like to add up, gain insight on some estranged topic

Just like the patter of rain falling through tree branches, it helps staunch the aching but slowly fills me with a feeling

I would take a funeral, if it meant just a week more for me, a chance to see the sights I spent so long in

Even so, the ground bubbled, entranced a bit of mirth, swallowed up by the thorns and roots that choke out the light within

I still need them, they support the lofty branches defining this ideal, bittersweet if not for the shine having been worn off completely

Gone, but far from forgotten

Not forgotten in the slightest, the wall of misplaced altruism still encompasses my forest

I still pray for the trees, I do, when the depth of night slowly rotates over

Still...

Freezing causes wheezing,
Leaving leaf spores breeding down my trachea,
Allergens spin n turn sharply attacking the tools that physicalise my life with its ins and outs
Oh 2 see oh 2 breathe oh 2 feel free from the obstructions that structure my schedule to be dormant
Walk up the stairs hold on to the side "are you ok?" No Annie in sight,
Just I, end
is nigh
I roll my knuckles and pinch my palms
Shouldve cut my nails, shot shoots up my arms.
I knock 3 times on the bannister,
I Commit to it being my balancer
Eyes leaking, chest croaking
tight feeling  like I'm choking
Gasping hurts but needed to soothe the need of a response

"I'm fine, just a bit chesty"

Don't ask any more or i can get tetchy

Lecture me on meds im taking
if my rooms tidy or am i forsaking,
still smoking? buffing and *******  that sweet foam **** till it turns hard and golden tarred like caramel muck.  
Just my luck that the something that makes me feel at ease can send me bending to my knees
not for pleas
But to construct a wheeze
Leaving me
Starting every sentence with please,
help me.
Don't even know what im pleading to
Or Who is listening to the self harmer
With a clear thought that I deserve to be preserved and cured of this karma
Inherited from my grandfather which I didn't know until I was told to ask my mother.

Ask ma

She knows about your Asthma.

She's a self destructor
well known for being a self wrecker
A self pecker
leaving holes to be filled by watless ***** carriers
Frieghts of frightening memories
Sure one day shed love to tell me.
But she destructured herself
And left me for others to construct by themselves.

Destructing the self: is the art of not giving a **** but really not giving a **** to the point that there's no fcuks to give and giving a **** means you're affected by fcuks who dont give a **** or willing to give you an iota of optimism
A helping hand
A hope full of hopeful hopes
Hopping fluently between the structure of the destructed self
Which makes me feel woozy

As i struggle hard to say no to this tobacco
especially when it's been weeks
And the feeling of ease is punishing me for a past ive not seen but i realise in that moment we have much in common

Self destruction is our common denominator
Our choice is the same and is made the same
over and over again
Its still the same
results never change
And still leave us with this taint
That we are responsible for cleansing

So what more do i need to ask ma for?
She's giving me answers by her flaws. That's her gift to me,
her way of setting me free
well here's hoping she breathes easy.

Complete and utter destruction.
Mentally and physically.
You’ve destroyed me.
I won’t let it get to me now.
But I’m going to forever know, that you destroyed me.
And that’s the one thing that’ll sit in my mind.
The idea that you can live your life without any disturbance of me.
But I have to live mine, with you constantly in my wake.

The thought itself is destructive.
You are destructive,
and I was unfortunate enough
to cross paths with you.

Anxiety is a destructive friend
That comes and goes
Briefly filling the void
Making you feel at home
Within yourself

Anxiety is a destructive friend
That uses your weaknesses
Against you
Ultimately dragging you
Further down

I think I made you up inside my head and gave you a name so you’d come alive. I put mirrors behind your eyes to see them shine. I built a fire under your skin to feel the warmth that I could never find. I saved electricity for your fingertips and poison for your lips and a metronome for your heart.

I made you up inside my head, I gave you life in my heart, I made you real with wishes.

But nobody as beautiful and destructive as you can survive a resurrection only conjured of dreams, and so you let me go.

taking things too far,
it's what I've always done

somewhat desensitized
I suppose
you have become.

numb to my assaults
on your peaceful state
the calmness
you carry
so gently

As I crash around myself
with a raging
hurricane in my heart

I will use you up.
A lighter is coveted,
but not meant to last.

One day you're hugging me
Laughing till our stomachs hurt
Calling me your other half,
your twin.

The next day,
I receive your cold shoulder
Everything we were yesterday,
It's gone.

No more laughing,
But ignoring.
I don't hear your voice talking to me anymore,
But to someone else's.
I ask you a question,
you let the silence respond.

At night
I can't sleep,
trying to figure out what I did wrong.
What did I say?
What did I do?

I know you well enough,
To have a feeling what the problem is.
But I can't accept that feeling,
Because you're just too stubborn
To admit I'm right.
I'm being punished for being right.
Is that even fair?

But I want your company,
I want your voice talking to me
I want you next to me,
joking, goofing around.
I need that.

So I wait,
Knowing it's just a phase.
A phase that happens one too many times.

This cycle just keeps going on,
And I can't stop it.
Deep down I know,
That I have to let you go.
You're toxic.
You will be the death of me.
But I can't bring myself to do that.
I love your other side way too much.

So I just wait.
My heart continuously breaking.
I'm constantly trying to sew it back.
But what's done is done.

And one day,
All my heart will be given to you.
But your heart is far away talking to someone else.
Because I cared too much,
Trying to help you
Left me with this silent treatment.
Trying to speak my mind
Left me with a cold shoulder.

You said you loved me,
But sometimes I was just a stranger to you.
Maybe you were bipolar.
But that's no reason to forgive the way you treated me.