I follow behind you
Bouncing as you go
So full of joy
I can't help but think
What will you become?

Golden hair flows behind
Tossed by the wind
Will it stay gold?
Or fade with age
Darken before my eyes

Less than knee height
A tripping hazard
Bruised knees
***** feet
Will you always be clumsy?  

Slurred speech
Words unfamiliar
Say what you think
Repeat what you hear
Will you truly speak?

A high pitched whine
Emotions uncontrolled
Chaos inside
But nothing is wrong
Will you have reasons to cry?

You wear a sparkly dress
Butterfly sandals
Marker stains
Claim to be a princess
Will you always love beauty?

Scribbles on paper
And tables and skin
Painting your arms
Driveways full of chalk
Will the world be your canvas?

I want time to stop
Still it flows on
Glimpses of the future
Even as she runs
Will I be there to see it?

She Showed Me How

She came into this world so fast,
A moment stamped into my past.
I was young—too young to know
How deep a father’s roots must grow.

I loved her, yes, but love alone
Can’t raise a child or build a home.
I stumbled, scared, without a plan,
Half-boy, half-heart, not yet a man.

The years moved on, she grew apart,
And guilt pressed heavy on my heart.
A bond undone, a missed first day,
A thousand things I didn’t say.

Then came her—my brand new wife,
A steady soul who lit my life.
She saw the cracks I tried to hide,
And stood not back, but by my side.

She didn’t scold the boy I’d been,
She met the man I am within.
With kindness, patience, grace so wide,
She drew my daughter to our side.

She opened doors I’d left closed tight,
Spoke softer truths, turned wrongs to right.
Invited joy where silence grew,
And helped me learn what dads must do.

Now laughter rings where doubt once lay,
My daughter knows I’m here to stay.
And every smile we share right now
Begins with her—she showed me how.

For all I missed, for where I fell,
She loved me through and loved me well.
And in her hands, I found my way—
A father formed, a debt I’ll pay.

© 2025 Shawn Oen. All rights reserved.

here's a grief no one talks about - the kind where the person you're mourning is still breathing.
Still walking around
laughing in rooms you'll never be invited into.
I lost you slowly.
Not to death, but to a choice -
one you made over and over again until it wasn't a choice anymore, just who you became.
You picked her.
Her voice over mine.
Her comfort over my childhood.
Her hands that never learned softness
against the daughter who only ever wanted yours.
And I learned, early, how to make myself smaller in the hopes you'd notice the space I left behind.
I learned how to swallow words like "Dad, why don't you fight for me?" until they tasted like nothing…
And when the world became too heavy, when the ghosts of my past clawed at my skin, I made myself bleed quietly in the corners of rooms you never thought to check.
I swallowed pills like prayers,
chased highs like they could rewrite the past, and still, you never noticed.
I grieve the father I-imagined when I was too young to know better.
The one who would have stayed.
The one who would have looked at me like I was something worth keeping.
Sometime I wish you had died
Because grief makes more sense when there's a funeral, when there's a body to bury, when love can sit at a graveside and say its goodbyes.
But there is no grave, just silence.
Just the knowledge that you are somewhere, living a life that does not include me.
You taught me what it means to be replaceable.
To watch a man
who held your tiny body once, turn away
because someone else made him cho
You chose her.
I tried to convince myself that wasn't the end - but it was.
Maybe not all at once, but in a thousand quiet ways
And the worst part is - I still miss you.
I still wonder if you think of me when the house is too quiet and she's not looking.
I wonder if my name still tastes like guilt when it crosses your mind
now you're just a stranger I share a last name with, a ghost
haunting the places in me that still ache for a father
I will never have.

I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which leaves me speechless sometimes,
Considering, it's you, who is my mother
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your support
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was your love
All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, was for you to care
You're not the best influence for me,
and that's why I have to go as soon as I can
I have to go, far far far far far far away from you
There's just no getting through to you
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean,
You choose to be addicted, and be forever mean
We are not one in the same, even if we share DNA
We are not one in the same, even if we have the same blood
I've tried throughout many years to get through to you
There's just no point, there's no use,
it's like talking to a **** wall
You're baggage is becoming too heavy,
and so now I'm choosing to let you fall
Because you are someone I can no longer be around
Every day you're trying to be an enabler
Every day you're trying to become a supplier
Every day you're trying your hardest to put me in the ground
And every day, I become more anticipated to break free
To break free from your voice, your sight, your touch, ugh,
Just to break free from you all around
This time, I'm not looking back, I can't fall back
I chose to be sober, I chose to be clean
I chose to do whatever it takes for me to be me
And to not be you, I don't want to feel numb anymore
I want to feel alive again, I want to be reborn
I want to feel the sun on my skin
I want to feel the wind beneath my wings
I want to do the things that I can't do when I'm around you
And it's because you make me feel, isolated, invisible,
That's what you have become to continuously do
I've told you multiple times I don't want to be popping pills
So stop fking asking me because I see red and the suddenly;
I get the urge to either hurt you, myself,
Or I get the urge to find something to ****
I escape this reality through my words,
so that I don't end up on the next 48
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is spiteful
It just ***** so bad because
you're my mother who is broken beyond repair
I've tried too many times, I've wasted too many words
I've lost count of how many breaths I've taken
And now, I'm honestly to the point now, that I no longer care
You'll never know any of this, or how I truly feel
Because I can't be bothered enough to tell you to your face
I just know I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be sober,
And I just know that I'm going to continue to keep choosing to be clean
While you're already dying, because you're addicted and so mean
So what's it going to take? Isn't it already too late?
you'll soon find your resting place
You'll find it sooner rather than later;
because of the path you've chosen
The path that causes so much pain,
The path that causes so much hatred
The path that causes so much disgust and disgrace
I'm an honest person for being your daughter
Which sometimes leaves me speechless,
Because it's you, who is my mother.
Which really makes me wonder sometimes..
Am I… even really yours?


Stephanie A. Ludwig
04/18/2025

She said to look away
From the body that made me

I'm sorry, mum
That you went through all that pain
To bring me into life
For me to just waste away
And wish I wasn't alive