Here, I wrote a bridal guide,
A rule book for future brides,
No matter if you're fair, fat and wide,
Or not, here's some dependable asides,
First, keep degrees and jobs up to date,
With some mates you can't relate,
You never know when the rats will turn,
To being a doormat, is what to spurn,
Keep some getaway money set aside,
This is important in a bridal guide,
Always update your roadside assist,
Without that, car bingles can get you miffed,
Ditto home and car insurance too,
Note these well, I say  to brides like you,
Never take drugs if to Bali you roam,
Then you shall definitely not be coming home.
Herein, I wrote a bridal guide,
My  rule book for future brides.

Here comes the bride
Proud down the aisle;
If she knew what I know
She wouldn't smile.

Here comes the groom
Such a handsome gent;
But I know his secret
He's warped and he's bent.

(Refrain)
Fountains of beauty
Such a handsome pair;
I hope someone told them
To wash their ***** hair.

There stand the couple -
See them plight their troth
Shall I tell you something?
I've had them both.

There stands the priest,
Dressed like a swell;
He's nothing special:
I've ****** him as well.

(Refrain)
May blessings from Heaven
Downwards descend;
But don't let the best man
Catch you if you bend.

**(Final Chorus)
Here comes the bride
Legs open wide
She's no vestal ******
As I think I have implied.

Seduced by clichés of love,
We signed on for wedding doves,
Being at those wedding receptions,
All clichés of norms' conventions,
Having a cream puff wedding day,
An expensive way of getting laid,
All clichés for the bridal industry,
Trite cant, and hypocrisy,
BUT--the appliances outlived everyone!!
Wedding gifts when once were young,
On film noir weddings I ponder on,
As these golden years I wander from,
All that phony hypocrisy,
Cliches and norms of society,
D.I.V.O.R.C.E.
(Who didn't hate going to the in-laws for tea?)

The tradition of marriage,
Bourgeois blackmail and baggage,
Is it all a bargain for men?
Is this what white weddings meant?
All the love that is lost,
And what is the ultimate cost?
A divorce court pizza,
Magistrate smirks like Mona Lisa,
Four corners, one for each,
Dog gets the crust, if it can reach,
Cats get the anchovies,
Were white weddings for phonies?
When is the revolution?
Blancmange brides for pollution,
Bridesmaids-Little Bo Peeps on crack,
Does society cut us some slack?

We joined the bourgeoisie,
All ends in tears and hypocrisy.

It's torture,
The way that he stalks her,
Mina, Mina,
Like some childish chant,
He calls her name,
We chant too,
Master, master, notice us,
Love us, want us, worship us,
Because we worship you,
And I have seen seasons pass in an unblinking eye,
How can I sleep when you are always awake?
Entertaining guests in the parlour room,
My pallor turns deathly when you speak her name,
Your next engagement is the chill in my tomb,
The fear I feel in her heartbeats makes my teeth hurt,
They turn into fangs with the bitterness I spit,
When you take her throat, I see red,
But I cannot admit these things to my absent soul,
By you I am vilified,
Like Christ I'd rather be crucified,
My wedding dress you nullified,
Let light stream in and burn me alive,
Burn me dead,
After aeons since the first I thought this bond was unbreakable,
1, 2, 3, women you have guided into your hell,
Still your thirst is unslakeable,
- But what did I expect?
Denn die Todten reiten schnell.

(Translation: Because the dead travel fast.)